A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have an ongoing issue with finances to the point that we actually split for a while . He earns a good income and I have up my job to support him in the businesssHe makes all financial decisions often without my knowledge . I am planning to go back to work but even then he will be controlling ( and risking ) large amounts of money that we have accumulated that are half mine.I feel that the only way I will ever feel I have any personal say of financial independence is to leave even though I don't want to . How much control is he entitled to when he is earning all the money and will always earn much more than me . He feels entitled to invest in shares cause he earned it and I stress Surely , the fact that I could technically leave and take half today means that staying in the marriage I should have a say ?I raised our kids whilst working full time , I contributed greatly ( although the bulk of the money comes from his business) yet I feel like a child in this relationship and am trying to regain myPersonal power
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male
reader, Garbo +, writes (3 April 2015):
 It is not chauvinism the way I have described itunless you two have some power issues among each other. My wife runs a retail beauty business I stay out of that completely unless she asks for some computations, spreadsheet or to do he taxes. I am happy to be nonexistent there or secondary. We don't have power issues and maybe the money issue you are having is actually just a symptom of some deeper, power notions, mistrusts and/or views of each other that you two harbor that are rather unhealthy and the money decisions are the surface effect on it. I would look more into how you two interact with each other and to what aim you seek interaction. So you are doing the right thing by doing counseling because your reply indicates that there are deeper troubles there and not just who decides about money. Then again, I apologize that my view is something you did not want to hear and that perhaps I am unable to describe what non-power relationship is to you but the reason that I replied to you in the first place is that your post is so full of power envy problems butbitvwasnt so clear that it is so stubbornly strong between both of you. So I understand why you rated my answer as poor... and thank you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): Ps : Garbo you sound just like my husband . He would want me to make all the boring day to day decisions aroynd what Internet or I suranxe to use ( which is basically necessities) but when it comes to the big dollar like
Investing in shares and mortgages he considered himself the authority . As I explained to fhe counselor this feel extremely chavanisti and in
His words it is a form or faux equality where the man will allow the woman to feel like she contributes to financial decisions but in effect she is simply
Choosing service providers whilst he wield the majority power of the bulk of the money
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): Thanks for the answers here . I actually spoke with a counselor today who explained that unilateral financial decisions undermine trust and equality in marriages and that ultimately that is what we need to strive for.
In terms of who is better financially , we are born equally skilled yet I would
Rather not have all our money invested in shares simply because he feels
That's best . It needs to be a joint decision where our money goes for
Sure
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (3 April 2015):
He is not entitled nor are you but if you are aiming at the same thing and want the same financial outcomes then the one with most financial sense should do the decision making.Is he a good financial manager? Is he better then you? If so then let him do it and have him acknowledge and keep you abreast of what he does and what his plans are.Conversely, if he is a disaster at managing money yet insists to do it, then there sure is a problem with him which he needs to acknowledge. In my case, we share our expertise. For example, my wife has no clue about stocks, portfolios, mortgages etc so all that is on me but I have no clue about health insurance, cable, cell phone plans, Internet etc. so that part of finances is on her. Whatever she decides I go with and vice versa. The point I want to make is that who decides does not matter but outcome does so if your outcome is good then don't fret or think you are of less value.Marriage is not a power relationship. However, if your man is inept but insists then you need to do something about it and you should do something about it not because you want power but because, at that point, your marriage needs fixing and somebody has to selflessly step up and fix it.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (3 April 2015):
 When you are in a relationship that has only 1 person controlling the money, it feels as though they have all the control, period, which is not good for a relationship at all, which I think you realize.
If talking it out doesn't work for you, then you do have to think about whether you would be better off leaving to save your sanity, unless he suddenly sees sense and realizes how much of a big deal this is to you.
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