A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’m a little confused and hurt by something that happened last week and need advice please.A friend that I’ve know for over 10 years made a lunch date for us. We used to meet up often prior to covid but with restrictions etc… we have seen mess of each other but still speak every other day.Now admittedly we are both still anxious about covid and only been meeting in each others gardens.Last week she suggested we go for lunch- she said she knew a nice quiet restaurant where we’d feel safe and booked us a table.We should’ve been meeting Friday lunch time but on Thursday she called to tell me that with the rising cases of covid in our area she wasn’t comfortable having lunch so cancelled our table. She then told me she was no longer going out to eat with anyone and keeping contact to a minimum until next year as she was getting anxiety. I completely understand her worries and told her so.Now on Sunday I saw she was tagged in some photos on Facebook with a group of friends at a restaurant having Sunday lunch. She was smiling, raising her glass etc…. She looked completely relaxed and not at all anxious as she had told me.I stewed over for a couple of hours about what to do and I then sent her a text asking how she was and that I was surprised to see her out eating as she had cancelled on me and told me she was no longer going to eat out and meet people. This was 4 days ago and I’ve not heard back.Her pictures she was tagged in on Facebook have also disappeared!I honestly have no idea why she’d lie to me- considering out of all her friends I’m the one that she bombards with her problems and im the one barely going out - so I’m the least likely friend to have covid (if her excuse to not meet was genuine about being scared of getting covid).Do I text/call or just leave it? Why would she lie to me?
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male
reader, Kofcalifornia  +, writes (17 November 2021):
You are just her simp. She doesn't value or respect your friendship. She hasn't reached out to you because you are sending out stalker vibes. Dont call or text her anymore. If she doesn't reach out to you again be prepared to move on with your life. Have some dignity and worry about your own life. She doesn't like you the same way you like her. I know how you feel and trust me the best thing to do is move on like she obviously has.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2021): I have to agree with youcannotbeserious that was my thoughts as well. I had a friend last year who was absolutely obsessed with Covid and her fears were constant to the point she even set up a "support Rosie" group. She effectively drove everyone away because no matter how much we all tried normality and to be there for her it was relentless, I was honest with her but to no avail. You are of course entitled to how you feel but for people who don't have that constant fear it's hard being around someone who seemingly thought of little else. Hopefully your friend will explain in time but I don't think its as black and white as her just being an underhand shit friend.All the best and I hope you overcome your fears and start going out to live your life again
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (5 November 2021):
 You have known her for 10 years but do not know her motives, so a bunch of people who don't know anything about her, except one side of the story, can't possibly know her reasons for doing what she did. We can only try to guess.
Perhaps she is fed up of living her life in fear but doesn't feel comfortable doing that around you, as you are so fearful? Perhaps that is why she effectively told you she would not be seeing you for a while, hoping you will have become less fearful by next year? Perhaps she just wanted a dose of living "normally" again? Perhaps it was a special occasion she felt she had to attend?
I have to wonder if she is really as fearful as you make out, or whether she goes along with it to show support to you because of YOUR fear? Perhaps the two of you feed off each other's fear and she wanted a break from that?
Perhaps she really pushed her boundaries to attend the gathering? I do have to wonder how you know she was "relaxed", just from a couple of photographs. Anyone can look relaxed and enjoying themselves for snap shot.
Whatever her reasons, it sounds like she has distanced herself from you for the time being. It is up to you whether you choose to allow the friendship to just disappear or whether you choose to pursue it and see if you can get to the bottom of why she felt the need to lie to you. If you do the latter, I would advise being prepared for what may be some uncomfortable home truths.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2021): Was the photo posted on social media actually taken on the weekend or was it taken perhaps a long time ago?
I would leave it now and wait for her to reply. In all likelihood she lied to you, or changed her mind and decided to take a risk. You'll have to decide if you are willing to forgive her for lying. Is the otherwise a good friend? It is she generally flakey? Does she often cancel on you? Have you caught her lying before? If she routinely cancels or lies then perhaps she isnt such a good friend after all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2021): She lied to you.red flag there.
I know you would wonder why go on with this friendship?
You know people are just people
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2021): I'd leave it until you've cooled-off. You caught her in a lie, and you justifiably called her out on it. There was no reason to lie; other than the fact she decided she rather not go out with you, but with some other friends instead. If it wasn't for social media, you would have been none the wiser.
This subject happened to come-up between a lady-friend and I recently. Why do people lie when it's unnecessary? Neither of us could reach any reasonable conclusion about it.
I think there has now been a breach of trust, and your feelings are hurt. She didn't even have the courtesy or courage to apologize; instead, she leaves you hanging.
When you schedule something ahead, and make other people plan around it; unless there is a serious unforeseen emergency, you should meet your obligation. That's friendship, good-manners, and simple courtesy.
It would have been better to have been upfront the day she called; and just ask you if she could reschedule your lunch date for another time. Giving the reason was unnecessary. Lies are never a better substitute for truth or honesty; even when you fear you'd hurt someone's feelings. I'd rather you hurt my feelings with the truth; than to lie to me. What are you going to say, or do, if the person you've lied to catches you in that lie??? Now she's too ashamed to respond to you.
Don't press it, as far as chastising her. Leave it alone, and let her stew in her guilt and embarrassment... presuming she feels any remorse for lying to you. If this is a first-offense, give her a break.
I know you'd like to truly scold her, or maybe even end your friendship. Let this rest for now. When she does finally contact you; I think you should simply tell her that you'd rather she be honest with you. Your trust and continued friendship depends on it. This is presuming you're a fair and reasonable person.
You shouldn't monopolize her Fridays; or hold her to your usual Friday-tradition from this time forward. I guess you won't trust her to schedule lunch-dates in the future. Maybe place her on probation for the moment. This is merely an option. You decide.
If this really rubs you sorely, and your feelings are truly hurt; I couldn't blame you if you put a little distance between you. Forgive her all the same. I'd demote her from her present position as someone you can trust; to someone you are fond of, but not worthy of the honor of being a trusted and loyal-friend. Time does not necessarily maintain people in good-standing. People change...so do you and I!
Aside from her lying to you; just understand that sometimes people do want to break old-habits, routines, or traditions. Spontaneity or change is also a good-thing. The things we share and do with our friends shouldn't feel obligatory or inflexible. Being two-faced isn't included in the rulebook of friendship! You can count this as a violation, and let her off with a warning; or consider it a deal-breaker. If your past-history as friends accounts for anything?
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (3 November 2021):
 You caught her out hook line and sinker, thanks to social media.
She blew you out with a lame excuse, then goes out and has lunch with her friends, not the sort of friend you want in your life. She knows she was caught out, so this is why she is now ignoring you.
I would not now even be bothered with the reasons why she lied to you. She lied, a huge red flag. I would just leave it now, block her and move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 November 2021):
 You called her out on her lie and she is now ignoring you because it's EASIER to ignore you and delete the "evidence".
Is this really a friend?
She wasn't scared of Covid, OP
She either had other plans that Friday or she didn't really want to go to lunch with you. She is full of shit.
Personally? I'd ignore her back. Go about your life, go hang out with other people, see other friends if you want to. If she comes back and gives a GOOD reason or is just honest with you.... then maybe you can chalk it up to a "shit happens" IF you want to.
Sometimes people show us who they really are. And sometimes people are just people who occasionally mess up.
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