A
female
age
30-35,
*iagara
writes:Hi,Basically, I have a friend that I've been studying with this past summer, since we are both taking the same summer class. He'd ask me to study a lot, and I would be fine with that at first, since it would force me to study.However, I'm starting to get really annoyed at him. It's been about three months and he calls me every day to hang out/study/eat dinner/eat lunch, etc. I don't know why he never lets up. I'm fine every once and a while, but I really feel suffocated. I didn't feel this way for the first month or so, but this has continued for so long that it's really starting to get on my nerves. We see each other every day for class, and then he wants to study for a few hours after class. In that same day he'll call to see if he can eat dinner or lunch with me. On the weekends he calls to see if I am free to study. I don't know what to do, because we are friends (although he's been so clingy that frankly I'd rather avoid him for a good year). So I'd feel really rude if I just stopped contacting him all together. And it's not like he's doing anything bad besides being clingy. He's really helpful when it comes to studying. But I feel like he is like a dog that's starved for attention and follows me around all day. Just the other day, I told him I was in a rush to go somewhere, and so I walked off quickly. I look behind me and he's running to catch up with me!!I don't think he is like this with his other friends. I know he has other friends. He just clings to me!! And he has a girlfriend, but she is in Taiwan for the summer. Which means he has more time to cling to me. Yay. He also knows I have a boyfriend. Unfortunately my boyfriend is out of town for the summer too. I usually don't pick up the phone when he calls, but he calls all the time anyway. This behavior is really making me furious. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts on what I should do? I really can't take this anymore.
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (30 July 2011):
 Hi,
I feel your pain, I know how this could be driving you crazy, but I couldn't help myself but laugh, specially when you told him you need to be somewhere, you were walking fast and he was running after you...
This to me is an innocent puppy love, because you both are in a relationship, this is pure friendship, yet he's in your face 24/7.
Like the other people mentioned, he's just lonely, wants attention and for some reason, he's obcess by you? Its a sad case, because like you said, he didn't do anything wrong, this guy just like you too much and enjoy spending time with you.
Best thing to do is to nicely make excuses, lie to not see him, talk to him, avoid him all together. Avoiding him, ignoring his calls will only make things worst, will make him angry, rejected, and could end your friendship... I am sure you don't want that, be enemies, after all you have classes together & rather you like it or not, will have to see him daily.
Politely, make excuses, lie, be brief and get away from the situation. I feel bad for him, but its not fair to you either.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (30 July 2011):
 Have you tried telling him that he's smothering you? The guy is probably just lonely. Maybe no one puts up with him for long because he acts like this, so he doesn't have many friends?
Just tell him that you really enjoy studying with him, but you're feeling overdone because it's so constant.
If you don't want to be so frank about it, the other option (which is what I'd probably do) is to say that you're really busy, so you want to make 2 or 3 days a week where you two have a scheduled study session. Then, if he calls to hang out at other times, remind that you guys made a schedule and say that you have to get back to what you were doing, then hang up. Give him a little structure and it might get better.
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A
female
reader, EvaTheDiva +, writes (30 July 2011):
Oh my goodness, you are a patient woman! I'd have gone crazy within two weeks.
Do you think he realizes what he's doing? Is he socially awkward? If he's oblivious to what he's doing, you may actually be doing him a service by being honest with him. The challenge, of course, is being honest and *tactful* at the same time.
He sounds like a sweet guy who doesn't realize he's too present. I say let him know you love spending time with him but that you need some space to do your own thing. Then after some time, initiate contacting him so he knows he's not forgotten :)
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 July 2011):
 hiIt sounds like he needs some more hobbies and some other interests. And you need to set some boundaries, just for your own protection.You also do not have to explain where you are going, nor who you are seeing. It is also ok for you to honestly sit your study partner down and establish boundaries that suit your situation. He has a girlfriend. You have a boyfriend. Both are LDR. But you do not need to fill a void in his life.He is not, and is not ever going to be, your love interest. Your study partner is more needy than you and less independent than you. He may also be a little besotted with you, due to him showing signs of needing to be with you, too much,If you find your study partner does really help you focus on studying, then set times in your diary and make it very clear that you do appreciate studying,. That he motivates you to try harder. But that outside those study times it is important that you each get on with getting to know other people. It will be in the best interests of both of you.If required go to the first meeting of a group he thinks he might like. But make it clear that after that he needs to find the courage to attend the other group by himself.Similarly with volunteering. If you approach a group together, and do a stint together. make it clear that your involvement can only be a 'one off'. But suggest it would give him a chance to meet others.Or he could enroll to learn a new skill. When I was at Uni I would stop sometimes and make a cushion for home, or make an outfit for my child (i sew) as it relaxed me and allowed me to achieve something at the same time.And very gently, after telling him that you appreciate the study support he continues to give you, also tell him that you will be more refreshed to study with him if you have regular planned breaks from him. That way you come together to study, refreshed.He maybe a person who is more prone to be over-anxious. Keep an eye on your friend over this and maybe ask him if he sleeps soundly or not. If not, then as tactfully and kindly as possible, suggest that he get a check up with the Doctor. As you would not want him to get so anxious and not get it checked out.While being checked for a physical issue my doctor asked me once if it bothered me that I don't sleep well. I replied no, because I just pick up some activity, a book to read, or something else worthwhile. He applauded me for my attitude that I refuse to worry about it, but that's me. And I have always felt perfectly able to cope with less sleep. That's just me.But for some people they do get very over anxious about things others might not be bothered about. For those people, yes they do need to discuss it with their Doctor, and very very honestly. Doctors are there to help people. Be as kind as you can to your study partner. Possibly your study partner is very lonely. Maybe a little over anxious. And not aware enough to understand that his clingyness is annoying.But if it is affecting you then he needs to be told that he needs to start joining some groups, maybe offering to volunteer to help others. Keep an eye on him, to see how he reacts. If he shows extreme stress then ask him to come with you and see a Doctor. Living away from home and starting university can be very lonely for some.
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A
female
reader, Aunt Lucy  +, writes (30 July 2011):
Tell him you enjoy studying with him, but that you need some space to regroup your thoughts and relax after a long day. Phrase it so that he understands, in order for you to study more effectively with him, you need time to recharge. If you don't get that time, you will not be able to study with him as much.
I am going to assume his study time with you means a lot to him, and that he likes you to a certain degree--you may possibly remind him of his girlfriend, or he may be wanting for affection because she cannot give it to him.
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