A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend and I find her to be rather stressful. I am a very positive person but she is a very negative person and I find she is draining on me, my energies and my positive vibes. She calls me every day and every time she whines and moans about everything...the smallest thing; someone upset her, somethng went wrong, work etc etc. I am an outlet and she calls me I try to make her feel better then she goes away happy and I am left feeling stressed by her. Sometimes her name flashes up and I just feel dread and I can feel my head hurting when I speak to her. But I feel terrible to just ditch her as she has a terrible past-her mum died as a child, she was raped, she is alone, no friends, no family etc....and if I abandon her like so many other friends, bf etc I feel it would be self destruct for her as she has come to rely on me so much. I often times try to motivate her to be positive and point out how her being always so negative and stress would only make things worst and attract more negatives. And she agrees but will just carry on doing the same - every single day. So i really dont knwo what to do - I dont want to be blunt because she is VERY fragile minded already and gets pushed over the edge very easily....She does see counsellers but she counts me as her best friend so of course tells me every thing. But I just cant cope with her - I have tried going around the subject to make her stop beign this way and be more positive etc. I am not the sort of person to be nasty and just come out and tell her as it is blatantly or give her an ultimatum change or else.....that is just cruel not to mention she wont be able to cope with that. So I dont quite know what to do! thanks all
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female
reader, RubyBooth +, writes (17 June 2008):
Your health is a major issue here. Your a very kind person and a good friend but you have to put your well being first. Talk to your friend and tell her how her negativity is affecting you, explain how frustrating it is to have her accept your advice but never act on it. For your sake and hers, you must insist that she works on her personal development - tell her you will only continue to support her if you see that she is making progress. Talking and counselling can only do so much and can become self indulgent. The only way to change - is to change.Tell her the negativity has to stop. If someone has upset her, ask her to think about why it happened, tell her to be honest with herself about what part she played in the incident. She should write her thoughts down and come up with strategies on how she will deal with similar issues in future. When you have supported her to do this, tell her you will not discuss this problem again but will be happy for her to phone you when she has put her strategies into action and has something positive to tell you. Be firm.She needs time to think through her problems herself. Negativity can become a mindset, only she can change it. Remember, friendship is a two way street, if she is a friend she will be concerned for how this is affecting you. Listen to those headaches and do the right thing for your physical and mental health.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (17 June 2008):
 Excellent advice from Birdy.
You could also try this, though it sounds like you may done this already.
"Hi Sally, nice to hear from you. Before we talk too long, I just have to tell you that I cannot cope with hearing anything negative today. I'm sorry for that, maybe tomorrow will be better, but today, I need to stick to positives. I hope you understand! Otherwise, I'm going to have to cut the conversation a bit short."
If she cannot manage not to be negative, then do what I have done when I could not cope with the conversation any longer. Wait until you're speaking and cut the line, in the middle of one of your sentences. Then turn off the phone for a while. This of course is the coward's way out, but it helps to end the conversation in a way that isn't too obvious you've hung up on her.
You can then call her back after a few minutes, and go back to point A, no negatives today, please.
Then repeat, day after day.
But Birdy's much more grown up advice is better.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (17 June 2008):
 Women don't like conflict. Most women will dump a friend an never see them again, simply to avoid having a negative, difficult conversation with them. You didn't say what exactly YOU get out of this friendship, other than listening and supporting her. Friendships do have to have some give and take (but none are prefect). If you feel that you can come to some kind of compromise, say, sit her down and tell her that you will leave only 10 minutes for complaining, and then move on, and insist that she stick with it. Alternately, you could tell her that you can only see her one night a week. If she truly doesn't get it, you actually would be a good friend to explain to her how she does go on and on. Some people get even more self-involved the more therapy they have, the more they focus on themselves.
There are books that explain how to make friends as an adult. One is called "The Friendship Crisis". Perhaps you could give her a copy. If push comes to shove and you can't explain how you feel, you might consider letting her read this column. Although you have said that she is wearing, it's obvious that you are fond of her and have her best interests at heart. Good Luck to the Both of You, hope things work out.
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