A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, i just need your opinion guys. Im with my partner for 5 years now. For First 3 years we are fine.. but slowly is changing. He used to be a good hard working man, but then suddenly it changes. Last year he stop working, he said he has not in the mood anymore to work. Financial is not much problem to him because he has apartments to rent on. I also not deoending in him 100% financially cos i have my own source of income. The problem is, since he is not working, he is always on tv, he sleep late, very late like 4 or 5 or near 6 in the morning and wake up like 1 or 2 in the afternoon. I am very adjusted person. I just deal with it even its really not easy. But now is getting worst. Maybe because he has no job, no exercise, no friends, no activities just movie, eating and sometimes going with me to shop a food for us which is just 2 to 3 times a month. He is easy to get angry, whatever he see, do, he is angry either its a person he see when we buy something or in tv, complaining all the time, everything about me and worst even to him self, that he got back pain, thats he is gaining weight etc. And its always ending in big big big fighting. When he see me just chatting with female friends he is already thinking im chatting with another man. ( i understand he has trauma because of his ex wife who cheated on him ) but this is not my fault. Im not a cheater like his ex, i never cheated on anyone.. this everyday anger, shouting, fighting is making me more and more sad everyday. He is not the type of person who will just sit down and listen. He is a type of person who has answer in every words that will come out from your mouth. He is the type of person that always correct and im really having a hard time and slowly getting tired. I dearly really love him, but i dont know anymore how we could get through this. Im not young anymore, i dont like this kind of game anymore. I just want to live in peace.. i am not expecting a perfect relationship, i am not even asking him to seal our relationship by him marrying me. I am not even expecting any material matters from him, i just wanna live in peace. I know he love me, but his temper is not easy to deal with.. i dont know anymore what to do, my nervous system is already shaking when we are fighting its getting already into my stomach. Im always asking god help me, i am not a type of person that is changing a partner just easy like that, but i can not handle the stress he is giving to me.. please people give me a advice... thank you all
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2020): OP, you are being abused by this man. He is not showing love to you, when he accuses you, and when he is blaming you, for his own failings, ie gaining weight, bad temper, laziness etc. Two blessings in your favor: you two are not married and you have your own source of income! You should move to another domicile. Make sure to remove you name from any shared credit cards, loans, bills etc. If you have any shared savings, take your share, and remove your name, from that shared account. Do Not Rent an apartment or house, from your boyfriend, as that will compound your troubles! You can find a new man who will treat you with love and affection. You can even stay in touch with the ex, after you leave him, but you must not let him control you, or put up with his nonsense or accusations. Make him show kindness and respect to you, or have nothing more to do, with him! Best Wishes OP! Stay Strong!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 June 2020):
 Hi OP,
I'm sorry yo feel so stuck and lost at the same time. I think you know that the relationship you HAD is no longer healthy no longer good. For either of you. HE takes his own laziness and frustration out on you. Which is absolutely unfair. He tries to control your contact with friends using the "my ex cheated so you must be too" excuse.
He is stagnating, unhappy, unhealthy and abusive.
It might not have been obvious in the beginning just how he really is, but now that you SEE it and LIVE it, it's TIME for you to decide DO I want to keep doing this? Can you see yourself with this man AS HE IS NOW in 2 years? How WORN down do you think you will be if you stay with him? It's affecting your health. First physically but also mentally.
I think it's time for you to take a GOOD hard look at what you have here and either say, no more or figure out how to suck it up. But really, you can do BAD all by yourself. Why live in misery with someone who treats you this way and calls it love?
You might think HE still loves you, so what?
This isn't love , OP
You know what the next step should be. I know it's a hard one to make. GET your "ducks" in a row. Have ALL your important documents packed and keep it somewhere safe (not in the shared home), Find a place to live, REMOVE your name from all shared bills and lease (if you rent) pack your stuff and leave.
He isn't going to change because he doesn't think HE is doing anything wrong. The only change you can make is to BETTER your OWN situation. Which means... end it and leave.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2020): Dear female anon.
Having read your comment I felt obliged to write. You see I suffer from the same symptoms as you. I can not walk or work after having a meal so like you when I have to work or walk or if I have to attend to something or go somewhere I also skip the afternoon meal to be able to move about. I hope you see a cardiologest asap because like me you probably suffer from narrowed arteries and weak heart. Don't be scared because with proper medication and diet this can be corrected but you must see a doctor because heart desease is a serious business if ignored. I have endured three angiographies so far and stents have been placed in my arteries and have to take several pills daily to keep healthy. Most important that you can help yourself by do things to improve your health besides medications like eating healthy, daily walking, keeping in shape, losing weight if you have extra pounds and give up smoking if you are a smoker. I hope I have helped. Good luck and good health.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2020): Hi
You are in an abusive relationship with an abusive man. Always talking over you, answer for everything, no sensible discussions that ever move anything forward, interrupting you, controlling your actions with anger etc etc. Does it feel like psychological warfare?
Listen to me carefully. I have been in three abusive relationships and my health is now shot.
My nervous system now works against me because of the stress and anxiety I went through. I now cannot eat and function. I have to eat at the end of a working day, with NOTHING all day, because otherwise I couldn't work. Then when I've eaten in the evening, I cant move for hours without debilitating breathlessness, heart banging out of my chest, throat closing. Horrible. I used to be fit and healthy, a good dancer. Someone who could dance and sing for hours.
The last man I was with caused me so much anxiety before I got out that my life and health has changed for the worse
even though I have finally got rid of him. Fingers crossed.
When you said that you shake and your stomach feels the stress, I feel for you, I was exactly the same, I twitched so much I couldn't get the fork to my mouth sometimes. I'm worried that if you concentrate on the fact that you love this man and not on your long term health, you'll end up ill with it. Don't be like me.
Please read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. An excellent eminent psychologist who worked one to one with abusive men and he will explain to you their mindset, their tactics and the fact that you are on a hiding to nothing by staying with him. It sounds as if you have managed to keep your independence. Good. You are in a position to leave. Read the book but don't let him see that you are. He could turn nastier. They often do when they realise that you might be asserting yourself.
Think of your health and think about the fact that this man does NOT have your best interests at heart. He can see what he's doing to you, but he doesn't care as long as HE'S happy. Your wishes, wants and needs don't matter in an abusive relationship.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp  +, writes (11 June 2020):
Sorry if this sounds brutal but it doesn't sound like he has any wish or intentions to change so you basically have 2 choices: take it or leave it. You cannot force him to behave decently. That is all down to him. Surely it would be better to live alone in peace than in constant anticipation of fights? Neither of you are happy with the way things are going. Sort out somewhere to live and move out. Why would you want to stay with someone who makes you feel so bad?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2020): I'm so very sorry for your dilemma. Once you're mature and over 40; you just want to enjoy the sweet fruits of your labor. You work hard day to day, and you try to build a life; and when you come home from a hard-day's work, you want to settle-in and relax. Get cozy with your partner. Not have somebody waiting there to start a fight!
It's very difficult for women to leave men who've become abusive and aggressive. They often stay in relationships based on what they used to be. Once a relationship has declined into fighting and verbal-abuse, or violence...it's time to make a decision.
You've indicated he's not the type to reason with. Then what was he like before? You don't just turn into a monster out of the blue. The negative-traits and bad-habits were always there. You're maturing now; and you no longer have the energy to delude yourself into believing he's a keeper, after all these years. He should have been tossed out on his bum years ago! Instead, you're waiting to see how bad things can get. Here you are, writing for help.
Sweetheart, you know what you've got to do. You didn't have to come here to ask.
Does he drink or do drugs? That's when decent people abruptly change, and might become mean and abrasive. They can also get spoiled by too much love; when you let them slide for too long, by dismissing their bad-behavior. All because you don't want to be lonely. "Better a bad-man, than no man at all!" I'm quoting a former-colleague of mine. She was in her 50's, and dating an awful guy! She finally married him. They've moved-on, and I haven't heard from them since.
When you first met him, I suspect you saw red-flags. You figured he'd change once he felt your love. You thought he'd change once he knew how much you love him. Sorry, he doesn't love you as much as he used to; if you are now writing for advice on what to do with him. You should put him on a catapult and launch him into space!
You learned to tolerate his bad-behavior, and thought you could handle it. You were in your 30's, still single, and was probably looking for a husband. He had some noticeable flaws. He wasn't always so nice. You must have thought that's just his way, or how men are. Now fast-forward to the present. How do you like him now?
The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. You become a martyr, and will allow him to trample you into the ground.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."
If you continue to stay, he will grind you into nothing. That's what far too many middle-aged women do, who are stuck in bad relationships. They fear living life without having a man. Afraid they'll never find another one. I find no logic in letting someone systematically tear me apart, and beat me down...emotionally and physically. All because he supposedly loves me?!! There is no sense in using love as an excuse for sticking around to let somebody grind you into a pulp. Watching the years flee-by, as he gets progressively worse. Makes absolutely no sense at all! You can do bad all by yourself...why do you need his help??? Truth is, he was always mean and surly. You were younger, hoping for marriage, and felt you were able to handle and absorb it. Thinking you'd fix him; and whip him into shape with love and affection.
When you use love as an excuse to stay with a person who is cruel and uncompromising. Nothing is keeping you there but fear. He knows you won't leave; and he also knows he can treat you anyway he likes, and you'll take it. There's always that fake-jealousy act, as thought he's mad; because he thinks you're cheating. He knows you're not cheating! He uses that as an excuse for being abusive. Making it all your fault.
You'll get fed-up!
We will all advise you to remove yourself from the situation. You won't. You'll keep seeking ways to change him; or wait for some kind of miraculous change.
You probably fear being over 40, and approaching your 50's, means life has now limited your options; and you have to stay with a mean and abusive-person who thinks you're stupid. Yes, he thinks you have to be stupid, or scared of him. You're not stupid, but I do sense you're scared of him. Boyfriends are disposable, and easier to leave than husbands. It takes a legal process to leave a husband, it takes a kick to the curb to get rid of a no-good boyfriend. If he won't leave, then you have to.
Here's how these dramas usually end. You'll suffer for as long as you can bear it. Then one day you will have enough, and you'll leave. That's how it has to happen. His love won't mean spit!
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