A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:What am I going to do about my mean friend? I have a friend who I have known for almost 30 years. I manage with her meanness because everything else about her is so good. My partner is not the sort who can easily forgive this sort of stuff though. He hates being manipulated into buying almost every drink and dinner. She also got him working at her house when she got separated. It was only for a day but she knows very well that we have an awful lot to do in our own home as well. She gave us stuff she did not want in exchange which I then had to get rid of. My man helped her to please me, but has just ended up feeling cross and manipulated. Now that she is on her own she seems to need her friends even more, which is understandable especially at this time of year. My partner is resistant to asking her over or joining in because she has been like this. I have told her in the past about it, but she has not changed. Do I have to tell her again now? If I do how can I say that she is putting people off? I don’t want to hurt her feelings but it seems like she does deals in her head to justify the amount of held she gets and that it is necessary to pay for the joy of being her friend. It is a standing joke amongst many people who knows her and she just won’t/can’t see. I will hurt her very much when I tell her. Advice? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (18 December 2007):
 People who behave in this manner know full well what they are doing, and they won't stop just if you ask. If they did, they would lose the advantages they are extracting from you. They will go on and on until you make them stop.
Don't say a word, but don't invite her to join you. I think you need to consider what your partner thinks about her. It would sort of spoil the celebration for him. As to her, if words have not worked out, then I supppose concrete actions should let her see.
A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (18 December 2007):
 I don't want to seem callous, but I don't understand how she is mean, apart from the drinks and food thing. Obviously she should offer to pay her share.
But just asking your partner to help her out for one day at her house, and she did give you stuff in return, it doesn't seem so bad to me? Fair enough it might have been junk to you, ubut did she know that? If she had of got your partner at her house for a month knowing that you have alot of work to do on your own house, and not offered you a single thing in return, now that would have been out of order.
You have been friends with her for a long time, maybe there is alot more which you haven't mentioned.
As this is really upsetting you, you do need to bring it up. You said you have talked to her aboue it before but she hasn't listened. Maybe you were too soft, she might have just dismissed it. You have mentioned that you are scared of hurting her which made me think you were too soft on her.
Sometimes the truth hurts and sometimes people really need to be HIT with the truth for them to realise how they have been acting and how they have been hurting people close to them.
I would suggest writing her a letter, that way she won't have the chance to cry or get angry to your face when you're talking to her, which would probably mean you would back down.
If she has a letter, she can sit down and read it and really absorb what you are saying. It sounds like she has been hurting you for a long time, so why are you scared of hurting her? You have to get atough with manipulative people. They won't change or respond to any other way.
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