A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in an 18 month relationship with an extremely insecure girl who has been controlling, needy, and jealous of my past. I have often been aggressively accused of things that just dont exist. In spite of this difficulty, I have rode the storm because I love her.I am now feeling shocked because my friend has seen and spoken to her on a dating site and she has told him she has been single for a year.I asked her about this, and she turned violent and yelled that she has been set up and I am just looking for an excuse to bail out because I have got someone else. I just cannot get a honest answer. What next?
View related questions:
insecure, jealous, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 October 2016):
 End things. I know it is hard and you love her, but she is not going to change. You will end up unhappy and miserable. She is not to be trusted and you deserve so much better.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 October 2016):
 If this was the other way round (i.e. a female was asking the question about a male), everyone would advise you cut loose and run - as fast as possible. The answer is no different just because you are male and asking the question about a female.
Firstly, nobody should have to suffer violence of any kind in a relationship.
Secondly, people who are cheats often project their cheating onto the partner, convinced that they too are cheating.
Lastly - and most importantly - what is it you "love" about this girl? And why do you think you don't deserve to be loved and respected in return?
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (22 October 2016):
 If you can't get an honest answer then stop asking the question. She's been caught. What else is there for her to say?
Even without this secret dating profile, she's already given you plenty of reasons to show her the door. You don't need anything more.
She's overbearing, unstable, abusive and totally self absorbed. Now she's trying to hook up with someone else (I suspect to balance the scales in her head, but that's neither here nor there).
I don't see you being able to fix this one, so if you choose to stay don't expect any improvements.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 October 2016):
 Honestly, there are two red flags here: on a dating site pretending to be single and becoming violent. Both are very good reasons to break up with her. You don't need an honest answer because she's not going to give you one and you already know what she's done. Let her go, this time, OP. I'm sorry.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2016): No-one should stay with someone that is violent towards them - end it.
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (22 October 2016):
 I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. Unfortunately, one of the classic signs of a cheater is that they constantly question YOUR fidelity, whether as a smoke screen to distract you from their own transgressions or because their own cheating behavior reminds them that you could be cheating on them as easily as they are cheating on you.
If you two are not in an open relationship and she is on a dating site presenting herself as single and reaching out to other men in a romantic or sexual context, that IS cheating - if not physically, then emotionally.
So, up to you to determine how you want to respond to cheating in your relationship. Personally I'd end things ASAP. Violence is a red flag on its own. Violence alone would be enough for me to leave a relationship. She may (or may not) be smaller and lighter than you, but that does not make violent behavior towards you any more excusable than it would be if the roles were reversed.
And that doesn't even take into account the tricky nature of trying to rebuild trust in a relationship where trust has been broken. If your girlfriend had had, say, a drunken night of poor judgement, that would be a lot easier to fix. You could ask that she limit her drinking and include you in her social outings until you felt able to trust again. If she had gotten too close to an ex or someone who pursued her aggressively, you could ask that she limit contact with that person. But this is her out there completely sober, trolling for attention from whatever man is willing to bite (and insecurity is no excuse). You can't ask that she limit contact with the person she crossed boundaries with because that person could be anyone in the past and anyone in the future who offers the attention she wants. As long as she has internet access, you'll always be worried, and with good reason.
I think you are best served to break things off with her as quickly and cleanly as possible. If you share a home and it's yours, make sure you have your ducks in a row to evict her legally if it comes to that. If you share a home and it's hers, I'd suggest collecting anything important to you for safekeeping before you break the news. Have friends present if you expect her to be physically violent in response, and don't be afraid to involve law enforcement. Domestic and intimate partner violence is not just something perpetrated by men towards women, and if your partner has been unstable, it's important for your own safety to plan accordingly.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes moving forward.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 October 2016):
 End it?
You already describe her as " extremely insecure girl who has been controlling, needy, and jealous of my past."
That doesn't sound like a guy who is HAPPY with the girl he is with.
Why keep dating her when she is " extremely insecure girl who has been controlling, needy, and jealous of my past." ?
She isn't going to change no matter how much you love her.
You CAN love someone and NOT be with them. you know?
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 October 2016):
 She's quite clearly just becoming irate because she's been caught out, if I were you I'd be running and wouldn't look back.
...............................
|
