A
male
age
26-29,
*on29002
writes:We're 2 guys. Weird as it seems. Both of us are also in high school. We've been friends since school started last year, in September.Funny thing is, I'm gay--if you asked me on the street, it's what I say (truthfully, I don't label myself--but when society inquires, it's what I reply with) too.Weird thing is, I made a list of all things I want in men--and he defies some of the list. But I've managed to want him badly. He has ADD and does drugs, which are extreme no-no's on my list. I mean, I have Asperger's, but he has ADD but doesn't control it. I've learned to control my AS impulsivities; but if someone who's meant to be my significant other does not, then we have a severe problem. His personality? He's always teasing me, poking me too. We connect well around each other, and that's what I love about him. We have had deep discussions before; one was after I came out to him (he's fine with it) and he simply asked me "Is it a choice?" and we kept talking. But I've always wanted to have deeper conversations like that more often with him... I just wish we could hang out together though :/Be that as it may, he does smoke cigarettes and marijuana. He's also told me that he tried quitting 3 times, but relapsed. I believe it; addiction is a tough hump to stop. My grandmother smoked until she died; plus, her husband did too, and he died from lung cancer August 28, 1987. So smoking habits run extremely deep in my family; my aunt smokes and her husband also.Out of our family, my mom and I are the only ones who don't smoke, drink, or do drugs--that's why I made half the list.Back to him--When I'm around him, my demeanor is odd. I have an out-of-body experience around him too... like I've been Touched By An Angel. It's because I'm attracted to him though. A friend of mine said not to go for him, that all he wants is a fix--and if I had the money I'd put him in a rehab and tell him talk to me when he sobers up. But anyway, the reason he even does drugs and smokes is his parents. They're strict on him. So his worry-remover is the weed.Something sad he told me a week ago was that he's moving to Spain in June to live with his older brother. He's of Spanish ancestry too--his father's Spanish. But anyway, I'll miss him desperately once he leaves.I've even asked him to hang out a few times.4 to be exact.I've always been available, but he's never able to make the time. His thing is, if I don't smoke weed like he does--the bond between him and some of his friends--then I'm not "in" the club of his close knit circle.I'm trying to be in that circle without doing drugs and cigs, and have him like me--but not everything is 100%.I guess that's why my situation is what it is.I don't want to lose him--so now it's Crunch Time. I've to think fast.... I've wanted to spend a longer amount of time together than the time we spend together in our gym and algebra classes. I have tried repressing my feelings for him, but I just have accepted the fact that I can't help what I feel/who I feel romantically attracted to.The sad part is, that the only form of communication we both have right now is school--we're in the same algebra and gym classes. I have no phone--he has an iPhone. He's also moving to Spain this June, he said to live with his brother... he told me it's because he "hates it here" where we live. The more ironic thing is, he told me that on Valentine's Day this year. I was sad about that :/So--should I tell him? And if I shouldn't, when would be a better time?
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drugs, grandmother, money, smokes, teasing Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 April 2013):
 I don't see what would be the point in telling him. In two months he is leaving to Spain, so it would be very hard to maintain a relationship even if you already were lovers or friends, and you are neither because he is interested in neither option. He does not want you as a lover because he is not gay, and he does not want you as a friend.. for whatever reasons of his, anyway it's undeniable that you care about this friendship way more than him, you asked him 4 times to hang out and he always blew you off !
Moreover, not only this is a person who has no room for you in his life, but the opposite too is true. You would not want him as a partner , if he were gay, because he does not fit your criteria for a good partner, and you would not want him as a friend because that would force you to be around a crowd of smokers, drinkers and potheads which you don't have much in common with.
So, why would you tell him anything, to turn a crush into drama ? You just have the hots for this guy, you find him attractive and intriguing regardless of your incompatibilities, it happens a lot, but that's not some deep meaningful love, it's a skin level crush that would never work out IRL. Let it go away on his own, you'll miss him at first , it's possible, but if you make a point in not cultivating your infatuation and in going on with your life and business as normal, pretty soon it will be over.
A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (20 April 2013):
 I pressed send too soon. I wanted to say, stick to what you believe in and what's important to you. Let this guy. Go to Spain. A couple of years down the line you'll barely remember him. That's the thing about crushes, especially when you're a teenager. At the time they consume you and you feel like you'll really need that person in your life, but in hindsight toy will see how little you had in common and how much better your life is because you didn't waste time on them.Be good to yourself.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (20 April 2013):
If you are trying to get someone to like you, someone you've obviously known for a while and shared intimate conversations with, then that person is not the person you are meant to be with. Three person you are meant to be with should be someone who likes and accepts you for who you are and who wants to see you and makes time to see you. From everything you've said about this boy, he is not for you. You also say smoking and drugs are absolute no-nos for you, yet are prepared to accept them in him. Why? If something is a deal-breaker for you and them you just throw it out of the window when the first guy comes along, you're not really respecting yourself. We all have lists, real or imaginary, of qualities we would like in a partner, and sometimes we do have to compromise a bit. I would prefer for my partner not to smoke but my last boyfriend did and it was ok. But normally cigarettes don't greatly affect someone's behaviour unless they are missing it. Drugs do change how people act. Stick to your beliefs on this.
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