A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My dilemma actually has to do with my best friend and her boyfriend. He supports her financially, pays all the bills, and even takes care of her newborn whom ended up not being his. He forgaveher once for cheating. Well, here recently sshe's had sex with two men behind his back. One who I have reason to believe MAY have HIV. Not too sure. She's my friend, but her man doesn't deserve this at all. Everything in me wants to tell him, so he can get the heck out before she brings him a disease home because she will never quit cheating. And having unprotected sex with other men. But then again she's my best friend. Whatdo i do?
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (12 April 2014):
In the end I think if people are being hurt to that extent then you have the right to do something. Yes it will hurt or ruin the friendship but I can't imagine myself living with such guilt. The only wrong thing is doing nothing.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 April 2014):
 I hope all is well and no one is being put at risk now. Best wishes to you and I do sincerely hope that your friend finds the help she so obviously needs. And I do hope that newborn has the chance for a long and healthy life.
Be brave, be kind and tell the truth. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (11 April 2014):
 If she is your best friend then you have to talk to HER and tell her how you feel she is acting out in the wrong way and that she needs to slow down BUT realize that she might not take kindly to your words as you are supposed to be her friend and so this is a double edged sword.
If you tell HIM then you betray HER and so, again, you could end up being the one that gets the flack for it, here, too.
I would probably stay out of it all together if I were you and wanted to keep any friendships, unless there is smething else going on here that we don't know about, like you have some kind of feelings of obligation to the guy, then do as you see fit - but honestly, these things never seem to end well and if you know all of this personal stuff about your friend then you must talk to her in order to get the info in the first place (if you're hearing it anywhere else then it can't be trusted) and so work it both ways and let her know how you feel.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2014): I couldn't be friends with a person who does this.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (11 April 2014):
 It doesn't matter why she is the way she is. There are plenty of people like her in the world and life is too short to waste trying to figure them out. What matters is how you deal with it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2014): If this is true, tell the boyfriend she MAY have HIV from cheating on him and he should get checked. Then, you tell her you don't want to be involved and you're tired of covering for her and never contact her again, even if she tried to talk to you.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 April 2014):
You know what, nobody needs friends like her. Tell him what you know and be done with her.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 April 2014):
So if she won't come clean, tell him and prepare for the end of the 'friendship.'
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 April 2014):
And this woman is your best friend?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe won't come clean. She's already used me as a scapegoat to him bc he found the texts between her and that man in her phone. She told him my phone was dead so I used hers. She's already had unprotected sex with her bf! I warned him indirectly, told him if I were him I'd watch out and kind of gave him the low down. She said if she has HIV she's gonna accuse him of sleeping around and giving it to her. Then she said who cares a lot of people have HIV that's why they make antivirals. I don't know why she is the dayshe is.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (10 April 2014):
Normally I would advise you to say nothing and stay out of it, but this situation merits speaking up.
Her behaviour is outlandish, self destructive and dangerous to others so I would tell her boyfriend and I would write her off as a friend.
The company you keep is a reflection of the type of person you are.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 April 2014):
Just saw your followup. So your friend is a prostitute? A sex worker, only one without ethics? Is she also an addict? If she's stealing food and money even though she is being supported then perhaps she has an addiction to feed. If she's been disowned by her family then her behavior must have been really egregious.
In which case, telling him is even more important. Think of the newborn's health as well as his.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2014): I'd tell her boyfriend just because she could give it to him in the time it takes her to tell him.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 April 2014):
P.S. One of my good friends is a doctor who used to take care of HIV patients as part of his practice. He said he lost track of how many patients came into him, suddenly HIV positive, bewildered because they had done nothing that would cause them to contract the virus. No transfusions, no IV drugs, no unprotected sex with someone who was not their partner. The shock and the horror when they found out they were infected by the virus because of the selfish and irresponsible behavior of their partner was something that touched him deeply.My doctor friend would tell you to tell him now, today, without bothering to warn your friend, so that he can be tested. You would not pass his red-face ethics test at this point.After all, there is a newborn involved here and if she's been this reckless, that newborn could be carrying that virus too.Basically, to sum it up from my perspective, a person who endangers the life of someone she supposedly loves is not much of a friend to anyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe've tried dozens of times. Her family has disowned her. Because as of a week ago she stoles $500+ dollars from them. She's done the same to me. I forgave her for breaking into my house and stealing my child's food last year. She has sex for money and has sex just to have fun. She only wants him bc he pays the bills and has two jobs thus supporting her and her kids. I question our friendship a lot. I've known him for years too so he has became a friend. Its so confusing at this point in time.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (10 April 2014):
 If you have any reason at all to believe that this man has HIV you should tell her boyfriend straight away. It is actually a criminal offence for someone to sleep with another person before telling them they have HIV, but to be honest even if you have the smallest speculation that this guy could have HIV, you need to tell him and quick! Did she know this guy could have HIV? Did he tell her or not? If she did know and went ahead with it anyway then she is incredibably selfish and shouldn't even be in a relationship, however if he didn't tell her then she also has a right to know and needs to get tested as he had also broken the law if he does have it and didn't tell her. As for the more difficult part of this scenario, try imagine it from this guys side, put yourself in his shoes, as thats always a good way to decide what to do. If you were with someone, and they had been cheating on you, possibly with someone who could have HIV, while you were at home looking after a small baby, and you partner had a bestfriend who knew all of this, would you feel your partners bestfriend was entitled to tell you? Or would you atleast want them to tell you? I have no doubt this will effect your friendship if you do tell her boyfriend, and if she had just been cheating with people who weren't speculated to have STD's then I would say that if you didn't tell him it wouldn't be your fault as after all it is nothing to do with you. However as there is a risk she could of contracted HIV and could pass it on to him, then I suggest you tell him, as if he did catch it, it could ruin his whole life and that is big thing to have on your shoulders. So if I was you, I would just go ahead and say it, because no one deserves to catch anything from someone they love. I know this must be a really difficult decision and it is a horrible situation and I have no doubt you will do what it best. Good Luck x
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 April 2014):
How is it that you are best friends with a woman who has lots of unprotected sex to the point that she gets pregnant and sleeps with men who may have HIV? At a certain point, I think I'd tire of the drama and self-destructive tendencies.
Anyway, I think you give her the chance to alert her man about the risks to which she's exposed him, say, about a week to come clean, and then I'd tell him if she hadn't.
Another sneakier option is to send an anonymous letter from the point of view of one of the men, but I think the more honorable course is to give her a chance to tell him.
Of course, this means your friendship might be at risk here but I think if you know that this guy may have HIV and don't tell her boyfriend, and he contracts it, you are basically as guilty as she is of giving it to him. You had the knowledge but chose not to share it. I don't think that would pass the integrity test.
On the one hand, you have a friendship and a perceived loyalty to that friend. On the other hand, you have knowledge that indicates your friend could be doing lifelong damage to another person, putting him at risk of life-altering or life-ending diseases. I do think that one trumps the other, but that is my call from my comfy chair.
Apply something here called the red-face test for ethics. Simply put, just take a minute to picture yourself explaining your decision in front of your other friends, your family, this man, and the child in question.
Life and health win out over friendship, to me. If she's willing to lie to and cheat on her man, she's willing to lie to you. Her own ethics are in question, she would NEVER pass that red-face test.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2014): So find out from the guy you think may have HIV whether he does or not.
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female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (10 April 2014):
Like you say, she's your best friend. Telling her partner will cause ALOT of trouble and you'll look like an evil person for trying to help. So don't tell him. Instead talk to your friend. If you can't make her see sense, try her other friends or her family. If you were my friend, i'd expect you to be on my side...always. Their relationship is theirs, and although you're rightfully concerned, you have to stay out of it. Not the answer you were hoping for i'm sure, but it's the truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt takes at least 3 months to detect HIV. By that time she could very well spread it.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 April 2014):
In the case you've described I would tell him. If you do it outright she will find out, no matter how much you make him promise he won't tell her who tipped him off.
You could write an anonymous letter, with any kind of proof you could offer, or some other method of telling him. Tell him that you're only telling him because of the disease risk.
He probably already suspects or outright knows and is too insecure to leave. So you might be risking your friendship for nothing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2014): She's your best friend, not him. So tell her to tell him and tell her to get tested for HIV. If she refuses to, then tell her you'll have to tell him as you cannot stand by and watch her pass on HIV to him, because it's illegal to do that.
OP as far as her cheating constantly, he probably knows and frankly your loyalty is to her, not him. If he's stupid enough to forgive being cheated on then he deserves what he gets, except HIV or any kind of disease, he doesn't deserve that and if there's any risk of that then you need to make clear to her if she doesn't tell him, you will.
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