A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel stupid writing this but I’ve been struggling with this for a while and I just…I don’t know what’s going on. Ever since I hit my second year at uni, my motivation has plummeted. I had (and still have) a lot of things going on at home, like my chronically ill mom, my mentally handicapped brother and my dad who has heart problems and turns to alcohol more often than not to cope with all this and the fact he’d been laid off from work. I try to take care of them and dad pulls a lot of weight, but it’s…exhausting. I used to be able to concentrate on one thing for a long time. I used to have iron discipline. I was a straight A student. This continued in the first year of uni. Then somewhere along the way I just got…tired. My attention span became birdlike. I stopped exercising because I just feel tired all the time. I can’t focus on anything, I can’t finish an assignment, I can’t listen to one song for more than 5 seconds, I can’t sit through a TV show episode, I can’t write a story. All I can do is stare blankly at the wall and wish I had something to do but everything I could do or want to do is just supremely unsatisfying. I have such a hard time getting out of bed. This never used to be a problem. I have stalled a year in my education. A year! I know I’m gonna be in debt, I know I should get this final thesis done and get out there in the world, but just starting the damn thing seems like trying to get The Ring to Mordor. I feel like such a failure. I wake up hating myself every day. I waste days, weeks, months, just…staring at walls, losing myself in books, sleeping. I mean, I still do my chores at home. I clean, I do laundry, I help my mom and my brother. I keep track of my dad’s drinking habits and try to talk to him when they get worse. (He doesn’t think he has a problem but he finishes a bottle of strong alcohol every two days, mixed with coca cola.) But I do just enough to get by. Or maybe way too little. Like, I don’t take my mom shopping anymore, because the idea of just going anywhere and arranging the transportation and the nurses exhausts me. I have trouble listening to my brother’s stories. I know it makes me a bad person, but I just zone out. I need to take charge of my life and do something. And I try, but I fail every time, because I’m just tired. I have been tired for 3 years. I don’t know what to do. Thanks for listening.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 April 2014):
 That's great that you're getting help! Sorry that your first encounter with medication started rough for you. Understand that those type of pills take a while to help level the chemistry in your brain to help you. Depression or anxiety isn't just a reaction to your external circumstances, it often is a hereditary issue. Since you mention your dad, think about why he is drinking. Most chronic drinkers are doing it to self-medicate for an undiagnosed depression or anxiety. That would explain a lot about your dad's coping skills.
Don't let the stigma of pills keep you from them. Think of them like crutches -- when you need them, they help you. People wouldn't think twice about wearing glasses or contacts to assist a vision impairment, or a splint or brace for a sports injury, yet when the brain undergoes a condition, people start making comments about "happy pills" or "crazy" (you're not!) or not having the strength to "gut it out". No one would ever say that to a guy with a broken leg, so why say it to someone coping with the medical condition of depression, which is often marked by the abnormal measurable imbalance of serotonin or other hormones?
Keep talking to your doctors and counselors, and allow yourself to use all the tools in his arsenal, including pills and coping skills. You worry about your dad - but keep in mind, that if you stick with this program and help find the right medicine for you, you will inspire your dad to maybe stop his dangerous self-medication with alcohol and have him seek real help that will do him good! Imagine you being HIS role model for a change!
I do want to make one thing clear - Taking Anti-depressants is not "pill-popping". Pill-popping specifically involves using medicine in a way that is NOT intended, such as someone who has no pain swiping or illegally buying someone else's Percocet and taking them to get high, or someone else illegally taking Xanax without a prescription and taking them with beer, or faking or exaggerating a back condition and doctor shopping in order to get a truckload of illegal valium or vicodin, far more than medically necessary.
Pill-popping is NOT someone taking that Percocet or vicodin with a prescription and as part of a multi-faceted treatment package, or someone taking Xanax under a Dr's supervision and working closely to help the patient achieve a quality of life.
Since anti-depressants take a while to work, stay in communication with your doctor. Keep a daily diary of sorts monitoring how you feel physically and emotionally. That will help you a lot and help your doctor a lot in what is working and what isn't. I heard one doctor describe the way medicine works in treating depression as saying that depression/anxiety is like a building being on fire, and that the correct medication is like slowly putting out that fire, and that medicine such as Ativan, valium, etc. numb the patient and is like emotional novocaine and is used well to help get people to the point where the A-D is helping. Alcohol has a similar action - numbing the issue without helping it.
Sorry this is long, but keep in there. If one medicine isn't the best fit, don't give up, and the worst thing you can do is take one pill and get upset and give up. You and your doctor working together to find what works for you is far better than letting your dad tell you that you look like a drug addict, criticizing treatment, and staying in the ruts you both are in.
Hang in there. Life is tough, but you're showing maturity by getting help!
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (12 April 2014):
 Good for you! It's great that you're taking positive steps to seek help. That's often difficult to do, so I commend your courage.
I'm sorry to hear that you don't think the first med suggested, Paxil, is for you. Keep in mind that there are quite a large number of these meds exactly because people react differently to them. Tell your doctor that you can't accept the side effects of Paxil, and ask to try something else. Please don't give up just because the first shot was a miss!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your kind responses! It makes me feel less alone in this. I managed to arrange a meeting with a Uni counselor on monday. I'm a bit nervous about it, but I know that tackling this on my own hasn't worked so far. I also visited the doctor again and explained the situation in full (before I just said I was tired a lot and didn't mention any of the other stuff).
He echoed what you all thought: depression. He said there's medication for it that I could try and I agreed. I'm not a pill popping person, but if it can give me a little nudge, clear that numbness a bit, that could help, I thought. I got Paroxetine and I took the prescribed dose yesterday evening.
Today I'm reminded why I don't like pills. I couldn't sleep, my pupils are as big as saucers, I'm shaky, trembling allover and I was nauseous. My mind is hazy and I don't think I'm even fit to drive today. My dad says I look like a drug addict. It's hilarious. I'm gonna wait until it wears off and I'm never going to touch it again.
I'll keep you updated on how monday goes. I can't type for long as seeing the screen kinda hurts my eyes.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 April 2014):
 Hi there, I hope you are well, were you able to make contact with the university's counseling service? I hope so! :)
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A
male
reader, drew22 +, writes (11 April 2014):
 I'll echo what the others said somewhat. What you have is depression, I also had it a couple months ago. Mines was also caused by family (extended) but luckily I had my mom and brother, my boss, my friends help me up out. One thing that I found helpful for me was to always try to talk to the people that make you smile, it sure got my mind off things. Force yourself to listen to some motivational music or watch something inspirational on tv (like Joel Osteen). You need to get help as soon as possible. Pm me if you want some more advice or even some motivational songs, I've got a few really nice ones I think may like.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 April 2014):
Go and see the doctor and explain your symptoms. Depression isn't detected through bloodwork, though it does have physical effects.
And if you are in the US, yes, most universities provide that service for their students. After all, it's a stressful time and often people need some help. Nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, it's just something that people face from time to time and it can be helped, provided you reach out for that help!
Go be brave, make the calls needed and then relax, allow yourself to be helped!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses.
I went to the doctor and had bloodwork and other tests done, but they couldn't find anything. So it's not physical. I took last summer off, and used a big chunk of my savings to swing by some friends I have in hawaii for 3 weeks, and that was great. I felt so refreshed. It was my first vacation in 4 years. I had my phone off most of the time, no computer and just spent a lot of time doing fun outdoor stuff and hanging out on the beach.
But then I got back home and back into the same routine...and while at first I seemed to have my groove back a little it didn't take long (maybe two months) for me to just sink back into this listless state I've been in. And now it's just...I was supposed to be done with my studies by now and I feel so terrible about it, but it's like wading through glue. My parents are expecting me to graduate this summer (they're already disappointed I didn't make it last year and even more disappointed I took a holiday instead of studying to make up for lost time) and I HAVE to make it this year.
I didn't know uni's offer student counseling. I'll look into that. I just look at myself and I'm so unhappy about who I've become: this person who can't motivate herself to do anything. Sometimes just meeting up with friends seems tiring.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (10 April 2014):
 It sounds to me straight away that you could be suffering with depression. Does everything to you seem like a stuggle? Even things you enjoy? Does the thought of having to do anything make you feel tired or weak? Does the thought of having to get out of bed every morning make you just feel like you want to stay in bed forever? Does it seem like you don't enjoy anything anymore? If your answer is yes, its very likely you are suffering from depression, and I wouldn't be surprised. You have so much on your shoulders, anyone with all the stuff you have going on would feel tired and un-motivated. It sounds like you have got so used to your routine of caring for your family and the needs of others you have forgotten to care for your own. However you can't possibly carry on like this if you are feeling emotionally drained and even though it may feel like you simply can't, you need to take a break or you will carry on chugging away until the engines break down. Is there anyway maybe someone else could help you care for you mum or even be with your brother sometimes? Anyone or even a service which could help with the chores and strains from you everyday life of caring for your family? Is there anyone or anyway you dad could get some help or be convinced to when it comes to his drinking? I suggest you look into this as you need some pressure lifted from you as it seems you've been so busy in this cycle of life you may of forgotten how to enjoy it. Many people think of depression as someone who is always crying and is suicidal but infact simple things like constantly feeling tired, losing enjoyment things, lake of motivation and just feeling glum or miserable each day can also be signs of depression. I think you should talk to you local GP or doctor and see what can be done, he may choose the route of anti-depressants or the route of talking to someone each week, I think either or would help you a lot as sometimes you just need to offload to someone. Also if you could get in touch with any friends (even if it feels like a struggle) just so you can try and have some fun and have someone to talk to, as I reckon that would help. The trick is with depression, that when you feel like doing something and then you get that part of your brain says you don't fancy it or can't be bothered is to do it anyway, as then you slowly start to enjoy the things you once did, and if your halfway through it and your brain isn't having any of it, do something else. It will take time but it does work, even having a day of trying to do something different can make a world of difference. Sitting and doing nothing will only make it much worse. Just keep on at it, and your motivation will start to come back, but I definitely suggest you see a doctor, and see what can be done to ease the pressure you have on you from home. Good Luck x
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 April 2014):
I agree with the others, but I also think you're showing signs of classic burnout. When is the last time you took a vacation away from family and school?
You cannot carry your family on your shoulders, and that isn't your job no matter who has manipulated you to feel otherwise!
If your mom is ill and your brother is mentally handicapped, there are a bunch of resources to help care for them! Your dad needs to lay off alcohol if it's impairing him as well. You need to stop tracking his drinking habits. He is an adult, and he needs to deal with it on his own.
Your school should be the most important thing now. Your dad has the choice whether to drink or not or if he's an alcoholic, your efforts to compensate for it in regards to your mom and brother are actually enabling him.
As for you, if you're burned out to the point of debilitating fog, seeing a family practitioner and getting a referral to a therapist will rule out physical causes and getting you some help. Universities also have counselors to help you as well.
Remember, you need to care for you first before you take on everyone else's issues.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (10 April 2014):
Your question is quite suggestive of depression. I agree with SVC, get a medical to rule out physical issues. Discuss your situation with your GP -- if they diagnose depression they will have recommendations about what to do.
You sound like you've accepted the role of care-giver for the whole family. That would be a crushing responsibility if it was the only thing you were trying to do, let alone attending university at the same time. At some point you are going to have to live your own life for yourself, which you can't do if you're attending to everyone else first. Most universities have free counselling services for their students. Talk to the people at your school -- maybe they can guide you through the process of deciding what you can and should be doing to effectively support your family. (Hint -- you can't do it all!)
Lastly -- you might consider contacting Al Anon, which is designed to help people who have a problem drinker close to them. They should be able to help you deal more effectively with your father.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 April 2014):
 The very first thing you need to do is get a complete medical work up to rule out any physical problems.
then once you are medically cleared it's time to start taking charge of your mental health. It's possible you are suffering from depression.
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