A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Here's my story. A rough one. Sorry its long, but I would really appreciate your help.I had an affair with a married man which lasted for 2 years. He is 25 years elder to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship where I was cheated on, when I met the MM. We work together. I was 21, he was 46.At first it started out innocently, he was senior to me and he would help me out at work. We started talking to each other more frequently, we started emailing each other at work. I told him that I had just gotten out of a relationship. I was hurt, lonely and vulnerable. And the exact sort of prey he was looking for.He started telling me about his family. That he and his wife are separated and are staying together only coz of their children. And a bunch of stuff like how he is going to leave her within a couple years. Silly me. I believed him.And so it started. I felt guilty, horribly guilty. And I kept telling him about it. He kept reassuring me that its okay as even his wife has a boyfriend too (Lies). He told me that I am the one who he loves and he wants to spend the rest of my life with him. I believed everything as he was so convincing. We would hang out together after work, sometimes on the weekends too. A couple of months after we were together, he tried breaking up with me telling me he didn't feel anything for me. And this was just two days after we first spent the night together. He was the first man I was with. I was horrified. Coz till that night he was so sweet to me. I cried and pleaded and he agreed to stay with me. Over the course of a few months, he kept tried to end things, but I kept crying and he kept staying.One year later, I found out that he had cheated on me with three women in that one year. Throughout the two years we were together, he cheated on me with 8 women. These were women he met online. I found out about all of them through his phone and email. Yes, I am not proud of invading his privacy but I did it coz I knew something was not right.Each time I found out, I would confront him. He would accept it and would sell me a story about why and how it happened. And I would buy it as I was so scared of losing him. I allowed him to walk all over me. My self esteem hit rock bottom. I always used to be a strong woman and he reduced me to a crying mess.I begged him, I pleaded with him. I cried. I humiliated myself. Just so that he will stay with me. Though I found out that he lied to me throughout. Though he cheated on me.And then one day he told me that he decided to work out things with his wife and that he cannot be with me anymore. But he said he would want to stay just friends. I was a mess. I would call him and cry for him. He would always come meet me and we would land up in bed. Then he would leave and text me saying he cannot be with me. And the cycle would continue.A few months later, I was speaking to a common friend who knows him and his family. And what did I get to know? He and his wife were never separated. That he lied to me. The woman still thinks that she has been having a happy, stable, faithful marriage with him. I don't even want to describe the state I was in that day. He lied to me. He was never separated.Throughout our affair, he lied to me. He cheated with me on his wife and he cheated on me with 8 other women. He verbally abused me and called me horrid names. Whenever we would argue he would tell me that I'm nothing to him, that he doesn't love me. That I'm a horrible person and that he wants me to die. He did apologize after hours of me crying though.Yes, he did help me out a number of times and was there for me when I needed him. And I felt that though he said all those horrible things, and did those horrible things, he wouldn't have helped me if he didn't love me. And even after all this, I continued being friends with him. We would still email and talk at work.I went through hell. Seeing him each day and pretending to be okay. I was a mess inside. A couple months after we broke up, a new guy, let's call him S, joined our company and my department. He is single and is a year elder to me. At first I did not talk to him, but when we did, we hit it off instantly. He is humble, respects me, is kind and polite and attentive. He is a relative of the CEO of our company. Two months after he joined work, he asked me out on a date.I told the MM about S and I before S and I went on our first date. I told him that I do not want to be friends with him anymore as I want a clean break. I did not want to email him nor be in contact with him. It would be only fair to S.Though we were no longer in a relationship, a relationship that he ended as he wanted to work on his marriage, he lashed out at me. He told me that I am a horrible person. He told me that I have a plan and that I purposely bagged the the guy to get back at him (as the guy is related to the CEO of our company). I did not have any intention of this sort. I have just been trying to move on with my life. To try to get back on my feet after being held down for two years.Today, I heard from the grapevine at work that the MM has been pulling some strings to get me transferred to another branch of our company in another city. He has been telling his seniors that I can do so much better heading another position in that branch. I am so scared that they are going to believe him and transfer me.I am utterly destroyed. I loved the MM and I was nothing but good to him. I believed all his lies, I forgave him every time he cheated. And then he left me to go back to his wife and when I decided to move on, and actually found a good guy, he wants me to be transferred to a whole new city so that I will be far away from the one guy who actually made me feel good about myself.I am heartbroken, devastated and I do not know what to do anymore. None of my family or friends know about the affair as I am too ashamed to tell anyone about it. I need advice. A lot of advice. What should I do? Going into work everyday kills me. No one at work, not even S knows that me and the MM were together. I still report to the MM. I am still dating S. And no, I have not told S about this. I know I could leave the company, but that would just make the MM's life easier. Please help.
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affair, at work, broke up, cheated on me, has a boyfriend, heartbroken, married man, met online, move on, my boss, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): Easy advice and hard to follow:
Stop caring about him. And then go and find another job. Don't expect a guy who always treated you bad to suddenly become nice. Chances are, he won't. He's been playing with you simply because he could, and he will do so - on a professional level - simply because he can. Transfer you, retransfer you, promote you, demote you... you get it.
Second, get your self-worth back. you owe it to that wonderful woman that you are to be whole again, to love yourself...and then maybe love someone else.
I don't see you're really over MM, so what a basis does that provide for a relationship with S? Take a time out and heal.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (4 March 2013):
So what if it makes the MM’s life easier? What about your life? Is it better to be unhappy and miserable like this just to know you’re a thorn in his side?
Whatever you do, he’s never going to love or care for you. He enjoys the control that he has and feeds off of belittling you even when he’s decided to stop seeing you. He doesn’t want you, but no-one else should have you either, and he’ll try to make you believe, if he hasn’t already, that you’re not deserving of anyone else. You’ve found some-one decent now, maybe there’s too much water under the bridge. Business and pleasure have been so mixed that the only way to truly move on is to leave the company.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): Always do a background check on men that you plan to date. Never trust what a man tells you upfront. They will say or do anything to land you in bed. Let that be a hard lesson learned. He used you for sex. You should also have yourself checked for STD's if he has slept with that many women.It's a toxic work environment for you now that has been created by this affair.He wants you out of his way and yes he is punishing you for going out with his relative by trying to get you transferred. Even though you are dating the CEO's relative, I would look upon the transfer as a good thing. You will be away from that work environment. You said yourself that going to work there everyday is killing you. It's a wonder that you still have your job at all and that they didn't fire you for some trumped up charges and especially in this economy a lot of unemployed people would love to have your job. For some reason if the company is not open to have you transferred there is always that possibility that they may let you go by laying you off.I would never feel secure there after all that has happened.It's your choice if you want to stay where you are at. IF it was me, I would take the transfer, even if that meant being away from who I am currently dating. It's too much of a mess, it's too close since you will run into the CEO. He could make your job miserable. Also, I would be checking out other employment possibilities during this time.Really go in with your eyes wide open on whom you are dating. Don't let your emotions over run your logic. Don't be a doormat to any man. Get a backbone and don't cry and beg over a man. This guy didn't deserve being treated so sweetly by you when here he was calling you names. I don't care if he helped you out, he sounds abusive and he is using his position, his power over you. He is cunning and sly. Get some self-respect in the future and leave these types of men in the dust.For his wife's sake, I hope she finds out about his flings. She may know and is turning a blind eye to it all and may not care. She may be accustomed to her lifestyle or she may be trying to hold the marriage together if they have children. You can't be for sure that she doesn't know.I would move on (transfer or find another job) and wash my hands of this mess.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): My advice to you is to leave this job if going into work everyday is killing you, for Gods sake make YOUR life easier too!It must be hell seeing him all the time, so start looking for another job, away from this jerk. God knows the first guy I was with, I left the social club we were both members of as it was so painful to see him. I was only with him for three months but felt healthier and better when I moved on. And he as far as I know, never cheated on me, was single and never called me names. Yes, you may have anger against the person, but anger just prevents you from moving on. Let it go and start again.If this new guy is any good keep in touch with him, and see where that relationship leads. But firstly keep away, physically away from MM. Delete his number, block his emails, don't have chats with him. No contact for this jerk.So no contact, move away from MM, then keep yourself busy, no dwelling on the past.and no married men as lovers ever. Seriously take time away and move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): OP, it is sad that you were lied to. and no one deserves to be treated the way he treated you. but the second you found out about him being married, you should have steped out of that relationship. married men,LIE. he wanted you as a play thing, he wanted his home life stable, so he lied to you and to his wife. just remember the way you felt, all the crying you did for him, well if his wife had found out than that would be how she would have felt, and it would have been your fault not his cause most wifes when they love their husband do not blame it on the man. and lets face it this relationship was a 50/50 blame, he persued you, you knew he was married and you still went into the relationship knowing this. women never learn, leave a married man ALONE. if there is a problem in the relationship let them end it first. you have met a good guy, one who treats you with respect and is closer to your age. what did you see happening with a man old enough to be your daddy? if i were you i would tell S about everything, tell him that you heard what MM is trying to do, and that you feel it is because of the relationship and that he is mad and wants to hurt you in this way. come clean with everything. if you dont want to do that you could always tell MM that you know what he is trying to do and tell him if he wants to play games with you that you can play them as well. tell him that you will tell his wife about your affair, im sure that would not go over very well with him. that would put a damper on his home life, and all the cheating he has done on her not you because you were an affair as well. SHE is the one who is in the dark about all of the women including you. not make yourself another cliche, you can come out of this alot smarter, and alot better than what MM has led you to belive. good luck to you.
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