A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Here's the deal - I'm a man. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months. We live together love each other. Have a great relationship. Except for one BIG thing that has a bunch of sub sections. And it's driving me crazy.we live in the same city as ALL of his family, and he reminds me of this fact almost daily. I'm always having to put up with his sister, mother, uncle, cousin, old neighbor, etc etc dropping by for no reason other than to be there. If they do say they're coming, he won't ASK me, just tell me. I don't mind his family, they're nice and all...but when our once a month date night turns into "by the way, so and so are coming over" it gets frustrating. I can't ever say no, because God forbid i don't want to have to deal with his family for hours on end.It wouldn't be so bad if he didn't act so different around them. It's like he wants to portray him and i as roommates when they're around. I hate it. I've told him before i think it's unfair i have to pretend to be something I'm not when they're around...but he doesn't seem to understand that.his fam isn't stupid, they all know we're together, but not by his doing. He refuses to be proud of me and call me his boyfriend around them. In the beginning he introduced me as a "friend" and / or roommate. That really works my nerves.On a more important and pressing note, my boyfriend has a son. He's "always been gay but was pursued by a woman and learnt to love her and decided on his own accord to start a family with her". But then she cheated and he left her. Now they share a son who I've never met.The kid knows nothing about me, and my boyfriend worked hard on that. If him, his sister and i are hanging out and the kid calls, he'll say "I'm just chilling with your aunt". Apparently I'm not important enough to be mentioned.Well the kid is coming to live with us for a few months. And I'm beside myself. Obviously I'm going to be living in the same house as him and his son...so just who will i be? If he introduces me as roommate I'll go insane. Every time i ask about it, he makes me feel bad for even asking. "he's just a six year old kid!" he tells me...soooo I'm supposed to be indifferent? Really?I want kids. I do. But i know when his son comes, all I'll see is him and HER. Not OUR child. Long story short, if i want to be with him, i have to deal with him pretending i don't exist, still talking to the evil ex girlfriend, and still getting mad when i try to voice my opinion. I didn't even get asked about his kid coming to live with us...just got TOLD.I get that he has to do right by his child, but (to all of you's who've been in my situation) does that mean whatever i say i need / want doesn't matter? And how do i deal with the facts that not only does he have a kid, but now WE can never adopt and have a child together...and the fact that he just doesn't seem to care about what i think / feel?
View related questions:
cousin, ex girlfriend, roommate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): "I get that he has to do right by his child, but (to all of you's who've been in my situation) does that mean whatever i say i need / want doesn't matter?"
First off OP, yeah it doesn't matter. You're entitled to an opinion but nothing more as regards his son. You know that too OP, his son is part of the package you either accept that or you don't. I've had relationships with two single mothers and their word is final. It would have been nice to consult you about staying over but at the end of the day, he's not going to say no to his kid about that, make him choose OP and it won't be you he chooses, I promise you that.
OP I've seen this kind of thing before but mainly in women. For some reason they want to mark that kid as their territory and see it as a rival to their love and affection, a reminder of something amazing special the guy had with someone else. You're just going to have get over this child as a symbol of that OP.
I mean seriously OP, you want your boyfriend to explain the complexities of adult relationships just to mark your territory? You think because he won't tell a 6 year old daddy gets his dick sucked by this dude that it somehow lessens who you are to him? No OP, it's just petty rivalry and jealousy on your part.
We had a woman here who dumped a guy she loved because he wouldn't explain to his 4 year old son that she was his lover. She had the same reasons as you too, didn't like the fact that he had a kid by someone else and wanted put a bit of ownership on it and be a new mommy.
Now look, I completely agree with you in terms of the kid staying over. If it's going to be that much of a huge interruption to your life that you can't be a couple while he's there then that's a huge problem.
Those women I dated OP, I was mommy's friend throughout, never once did either of them call me their boyfriend to their child. There really was no practical reason to tell a young child that it was a romantic relationship and invite all the questions, their kids didn't care, didn't think it was weird or unusual to see us cuddle or kiss. A toddler has no real concept of titles like that at all and it's simply meaningless to them, but it does raise a lot of curiosity in them and they will start asking questions and wanting to know awkward details.
OP I must say it just sounds like you're incompatible. The life he has to share is the way it is, he can't change that, he can't get rid of his son, he can't get rid of how his family interact socially with him and he very much does not want to display your relationship openly. I don't think it's a matter of fairness, I think this is his situation and you can't deal with it. Nor should you OP. If you feel this is unfair then you must be prepared to walk.
OP I really don't mean to come off in a harsh way but you must understand that you're with a guy who can't give you what you need. You have no say in anything that happens with his son, you're not happy that 6 year old hasn't been filled in about your real relationship, you don't like his family invading your space (I suspect he wouldn't be happy if they didn't), you can't get over the fact he has a child with another person and frankly he doesn't seem to respect your opinion because frankly OP he really can't, it's how he is and how his life is and you're probably seem as demanding too much of him.
OP you've asked us some questions here now let me ask you what it is you want. Do you think they're realistic?
What's the ideal situation with you and his son, are you willing to soften your stance on that a bit and come to a compromise?
In terms of his family calling over, what is it you want? You want a day or two week just the two of you? Then demand that, don't ask, tell him you need that.
You want him to openly express affection in front of his family, call you his boyfriend? Why, when they already know? anyway?
Basically OP, these things may bother you but what do you think you could tolerate as a compromise?
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 March 2013):
 It seems that he is ashamed of his sexuality and wants to hide it from his son. If he wants to be secretive about what he is, that's fine but he can't expect you to accept an underground affair. I will treat this as a dealbreaker, the same with straight couples where one wants a kid but the other doesn't. A child's reception to parents' sexuality should start as young as possible. He has already taught his son that being gay is not acceptable. Since children are often priority, I don't think you stand a chance to be recognized as a partner. I suggest that if you want children, you should look for other gay and single men who want the same things you do.
...............................
|
