A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a bit of a unique situation.I've been dating this girl for 3 months. I am 23 and she is 20 years old. I just found out she is 6 weeks pregnant with my child. She is from South America and is here with a student visa studying the English language. We use Google Translate to talk because we don't speak the same language. Since she got pregnant she insists on having a shotgun wedding. I don't have the best record with marriage - I was married for 1 year and got a divorce 6 months ago. I am very afraid to get married because of my past and how everything can change.She does not have any family here, and she says that if we don't get married she is going to go back to South America to have the baby and live with her family. She loves me. Sadly, I can't say I love her - it's only been 3 months.My options (these are the only conceivable things, believe me I have tried to make compromises of living together without getting married just yet.)Option 1: We get married, we have the baby together. We learn each other's languages, we pay a lot of money to make her become a citizen. She will need to continue to go to school to keep her student visa until she gets a green card (more money). Maybe we end up loving each other, more likely will end in divorce. Option 2: She will go back to South America to have the child. I will never be a part of my child's life and will pay child support.Both options are very depressing to me...I want to go with option 1 because of the slight chance that things will work out and I want to raise my child.. I just don't think I should marry her just because of the child.I need an outsiders view of the situation PLEASE!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2016): just read your update now.... It has been a few months and I hope everything has gone as well as possible for you! Feel free to update us... Best wishes
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter me being persistent in trying to get her to live with me without being married, and her persistent in either getting married or leaving for her country, she is leaving. I am not in a position to move to South America, but I will definitely visit as much as I can and be at least a small part of my child's life.
Also, I'm getting a vasectomy!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2016): do NOT marry her. My brother married a woman in the same situation and it has not ended well. He barely has any contact with our mother and has no contact with me, I am sure the woman had something to do with it since he didnt even inform us of the wedding until 6 days before, and we were not invited (he lives in a different country but I could have/would have flown over if I knew).
Try to discuss her options with her as far as the pregnancy is concerned. Let her know that abortion is available and legal in America (this is not the case in some South American countries) and that you would be in favour of this (if you are). This sudden pregnancy is suspicious and I would have no more unprotected sex with her until I knew for definite that she was indeed pregnant. Best wishes and sorry for your predicament. Keep us updated.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (6 March 2016):
I would not marry her. You don't love her and while it indeed was very stupid of you not to use protection, I also wonder why she didn't think of it herself. The whole situation sounds a bit fishy to me, especially since she waited until after it's basically impossible to get an abortion, to tell you.
These decisions are important, and should not be made without definitive proof that A: she's indeed pregnant (and that long) and B: the child is actually yours. So push the marriage possibility onto the back burner until after you know these two things.
Now, if she's not using you as a way to get citizenship, and she's just young and foolish like you, I do get where she's coming from. But tying yourself to a woman you barely even know because she has your child (which you did not even agree to) is simply not a good idea.
If it turns out she's telling the truth and the kid is yours, I would make preparations for the third option that others have suggested. Travel with her. She'll be on her home turf, with her family as a support system, so that'll take away some of her anxiety. That way you can get to know her better (as well as the kid) and decide what your future is going to be.
That said, do stand tall and make sure you don't succumb to pressure from her family to marry her. It has to be your decision.
If after your time with her, you feel this isn't going to work, see if you can arrange something for the kid. It at the very least deserves your financial support in the form of child support.
You have fucked up quite a bit already in your life, so now is the time to take control and make your own decisions. You've already experienced that luck doesn't always pan out, so don't rely on it ever again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2016): Wow, 23 already been married, now this girl that does not speak your language is pregnant.
First of we dont know if she is really pregnant. Second of all whta is the rush with marriage. You can still be together and raise a baby without getting married.
People might be right here, she might desperately want the green card, but she might not and she might be just pregnant and wants to be with you. WHo knows for sure.
I think you should say no to marriage because honestly its ridiculous. You guys dont even know each other, 3 months is nothing. And see what happens. I wont be surprised to find out she is not even pregnant
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2016): Oh, poor thing, you are just a " tool being used for citizenship". Really? It's you who used this girl just to have unprotected sex without any feelings for her! She was used, not you. Now try to be a man to admit, that you knew how the things could end when you were ending in her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice, all of you! (even if it was a little harsh, I needed to hear it). It is not even something I imagined to move to her country with her. I would have to think a lot about that, but I appreciate the tip.
The more I think about it, the more of a possibility it is that I am tool being used for citizenship...I will not give in to marrying her so soon.
I will continue to talk to her and try to get things figured out. Thanks again for the advice!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 March 2016):
 Option number three is what you should go for. But since you didn't even mention it, I doubt it's even crossed your mind...
3. You go with her to live with her family and that way she gets support AND you get to know her better before you propose to her AND you get to be a part of your childs life. Besides, widening ones horizon by spending time in a different country never did anyone any harm. Do teaching, or whatever line of work you are in, or even apply for student visas and get educated. There should be options for you to choose from. At the very least you can save up money and take a stay with her once the baby is delivered and spend time with her there for a few months.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 March 2016):
 isn't it a BITCH??? .... what that little guy down there - between your legs - can do to one's life?????
NOW, (that "he" has cast HIS lot), YOU have to decide to either be a man.... or, be a mouse.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 March 2016):
 I think the last two Nonny's make sense in wanting paternity testing done before agreeing to marriage. If that means she will have to go home and you two figure out what to do from then on.
It DOES seem a little suspicious that you have dated 3 months and she is 6 weeks pregnant. That means she got pregnant 6 weeks after she started seeing you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2016): if her English is so poorthat she needs a translator how does she expect to pass college? her family probably sent her up there to get her pregnant so she would marry a schmuck like you to get citizenship. go ahead, pay for her citizenship and demand paternity test. if it is your baby, you need to pay child support. next time, keep your pants up
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2016): How come nobody mentioned the possibility that the only thing she wants is a passport? She is blackmailing you. If you don't marry her, she will take your child away from you... Don't marry her in a rush. And first make sure that IF she is pregnant the kid is yours. Another awful truth, she may lose the baby, it happens, especially in the first trimester, and then what? I know I am being harsh, but you are both (ir)responsible. Having unprotected sex when you barely knew each other. You don't even speak the same language.Have you considered putting up baby up for an adoption? No offense, but it may be the best option for the kid.Now, if you want to raise that kid and be there or him/her, that's great, but it doesn't mean that you have to marry the mother. She's young, from a different culture and she's scared. You have to have a cool head and be honest with her. You'll be there for her but you don't love her. Things don't just work out. You have to work hard. Don't fool yourself. Maybe you can marry her once you are honest and agree on certain things. You don't love her, she needs papers and is willing to sign some form of a prenup.I am coming from a country people run away from looking for a better future. I know at least TEN people (men and women) who got their papers by marrying a foreigner. Women mostly just got pregnant. Men mostly looked for women who would be grateful to have a husband. That's harsh reality. And everybody suffered but their kids suffered the most. Nobody did them any favors.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 March 2016):
 There *is* an option 3:
Don't marry her, but travel to SA with her, continue your career there, and be a part of your son or daughter's life. That may give you time enough to get to know her a bit better and make some future decisions or not.
Otherwise, your child's care is and must be your first priority. I'm not saying to marry her, and it's quite possible that she had the child in order to have you marry her (it *has* happened) to remain in the US. I say that because of her insistence to marry you and the speed in which all of this went down.
But no matter what her intent was, it's not your child's fault. One thing though - have you seen the doctor's report/positive pregnancy test?? She's 6 weeks pregnant you say? Was this confirmed by the Dr? How fast is she wanting to move on this?
Don't marry because you're compelled to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2016): I am not an American citizen so I don't know the American immigration laws, but the honorable thing to do would be, you marry her now and take it from there, She can go home with her head high in her community, get the full support of her family albeit with some reservations, while you do the necessary paperwork to extradite her and the baby back to America. Even if you divorce later, still you would have done your duty towards her and your child.Good luck.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 March 2016):
 Worst ways to start a marriage have happened.
It's a rough situation.
Here's the thing, IF you marry her, you must marry her and in your own mind commit to being married to her NO MATTER what (absenting abuse or cheating)
that means when the fights start (and they will) that you don't give up...get counseling.
She needs to go to ESL classes
YOU need to start to try to learn her language as your child will be bilingual without even trying if mom speaks one language and dad the other and you don't want child having to translate between parents.
IF you go into this believing this marriage is forever and NOTHING can break it up and make the effort to push through the horrible terrible times.
I am in that boat right now. Married 3 years. My husband while I love him is an idiot and gawd help me I want out. I am not leaving. I am pretending it's 1920 and divorce is NOT an option. And guess what.. the lousy times get better.... MY attitude is a huge issue. IF I see this as a sentence then I'm miserable. If I accept it's my choice to be married to this idiot then it's actually a bit easier to cope with his insanity.
IF you marry her, Marry her for life...commit to making it work through the bad times... do not bail when the fights and tears start.
Plan also to go with her to her country and visit her family regularly.
and even if you choose NOT to marry her and she returns to her family, make the effort to go and visit and see your child...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2016): It all sounds suspicious to me. It's only been three months and she claims she loves you? And she's pregnant already?You don't know this girl from a hole in the wall. You two can barely even communicate, you don't even speak the same language. Literally and figuratively! South America, in general, is a very poor continent. We're not talking First World poverty, I'm talking levels of poverty you wouldn't even believe. A lot of South Americans come to America to hold down jobs and make money to send back to their families. They are VERY hard workers. They don't drain the system, as many people believe. They are actually an asset to our economy because they take the jobs that nobody else will take for half the pay. With that said, poverty often leads some people to desperate measures. Three months in and she loves you? And she's pregnant? Seems like a desperate attempt to get something out of you. If she loved you she wouldn't give you an ultimatum. Especially considering things are happening way too fast. Don't trust it.Stand your ground. You've offered to live together and get to know her and have the baby together. It seems reasonable to me considering you two don't know each other from a hole in the wall. Stand your ground. Do not get married.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 March 2016):
Well, hindsight is 20/20, so I won't even go into how foolish it is to knock someone up after 3 months.
I can honestly see her point of view:
She can't STAY in the US and just be your GF. She isn't American, and only in the US on a student visa. And it might also be a cultural thing. That where she is from, UNMARRIED people don't "just" have kids and shack up. And yes it's NOT cheap to pay for naturalization fees, but there is no way around that.
I can understand her ultimatums here as well. It's either or.
I get that getting married in a hurry to an almost stranger is not ideal for you. It's not ideal for HER either! She will be in a foreign country PREGNANT with NO real support-net! And a partner she BARELY knows.
If you don't feel you CAN do it and make an effort, then let her go home to her country, where she has family to take care of her and the baby. Yes, you will have to pay childsupport because you MADE a child. But you can STILL visit can't you? You can still be in contact if you SO choose.
Talk to your parents. They need to know.
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