A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've had real problems with self-esteem and subsequently booze for quite a few years. I have forced myself on a downward spiral and i seem to dwell on my problems more and more. It all began when i was 20 and booze enabled me to be 'popular' (at the time i didn't realise i was playing the clown for peoples amusement not for their friendship) but i used to get paraletic to the point of not remembering and then be an idiot. This one occassion, on my bday, i was force fed 3 pints of mixed spirits and i ended up stripping in public (without trying to be too graphic as it sickens me to do so) i posed on a car bonnett and went into a food shop fully undressed. Evryone had their camera phones at the ready and snapped away. I barely remembered the incident the next day but with the proof being sent to every phone in town i couldn't avoid it. I asked people not to but they wouldn't. 6 years on and they still go around- every new person i meet gets shown it at somepoint and i get the reaction i deserve - disgust and all respect gone. I think of it every day- what if my parents see it etc (people threaten to show them and make t-shirts etc.)....lets just say the photos aren't flattering. I haven't told my gf of a year and i don't want her to hang around my friends much as they will pounce on the opportunity to show her and she's quite shy and proper.but i know she'll find out at some point. I'm scarred she'll run a mile if she sees what i did. Should i tell her? It's a part of my life and although i think i am generally depressed anyway- this incident plays a huge part! i've tried laughing it off and i know it's my own fault and i'm a complte idiot for doing it- but it's the place i was at the time, people are horrible and i hate booze because of it, even though i still drink! I'm generally considered a nice, easy going fairly serious guy especially by this girl and i hate the fact that this 1 stupid 5 minutes has had such a huge horrific impact on my life! Do you think my girlfriend will hate me for it and run? if you met a guy where the same situation had happened what would you think?I wish i could stop thinking about it. If it was anything but embarrassment and shame i could cope- but knowing it's all my own doing....I thought it had died down but my when i was out at the weekend i was told my friends had it on their old phones and even though i asked them to delete them they said they never would. And a guy i don't even know that well said someone emailed it to him which means it is also on the internet and on peoples computers and emails. It'll be there forever now- even after i'm gone! And i know there are numerous worse ones from other people from the same situation that i'm just waiting to pop up! Please, any comments and advice would be greatly appreciated!
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female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (18 December 2009):
 maybe you should just come clean to your family and girlfriend (separately) because i understand that you really feel it hampering you moving forward. your friends, even though they seem to be in good spirits about it, are really blackmailing you by holding these incriminating photos against you. I think it would be easiest to explain it to the girl who hasn't known you all her life (vs. your parents/siblings)--with her be like there was a bad time in my past and i drank more than i should have and i was stupid and there are some a-holes out there called my friends that have evidence of that stupidity, here are the embarassing photos I wanted you to hear it from me first, that i was a little crazy years and years ago, more than a half decade ago but from these events I've done A TON of growing up and do NOT see myself ever getting back to that dark and embarassing place again.
honestly, i don't know if you're on the upper or lower end of the age spectrum (the 25 or the 22), but I'd just say, listen family, i made some mistakes, and you guys know i'm not perfect and i'm sorry this is out there and it hurts our name, but i was a kid having what i thought was fun and i'm a changed man. i can't really tell how forgiving your family is, i would think worst case they'd be mad or wouldn't talk to you for a bit but would come around evenutally, you're their son and they should love you embarassing flaws and all. like your parents haven't done anything stupid..fortunately for them it wasn't recorded i guess.
you have to remember you can't change the past, what happened, happened. all you can do now is move on by taking away the things that your friends have over you. if i were yourgirlfriend i definitely would not care about the pictures, maybe at worst (if i were really conservative/prudish) i'd be relieved that that was you in the PAST, and if I have trust in you then I will believe you when you say it won't happen again. I think the evidence is good since you're not a binge drinker anymore. if you feel like it really is totally consuming you, maybe you should get counseling, or better yet, move away. or take my advice about those 'friends'. post back!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there,
Thank you all for your advice! I genuinely found it all very helpful. I wondered if you had any advice on how to get things into perspective. I just can't get this out of my head even though it was nearly 6 years ago! I think it is the fact i have no control over it - i would be able to get over it if it were just a story but technology being the way it is it could pop up anywhere and could do damage in my life. I think about it all the time and end up feeling anxious and panicky and it seems like such a huge deal even though i keep telling myself not to feel that way! how can i deal with this and realise in the grand scheme of things it's not that bad (or is it?) it feels like i can tell myself these things but cannot feel it. The people around me (family and g/f) are very proper and wouldn't understand or forgive if they found these things out and subsequent shame i feel from this incident is overwhelming, but at the same time i can see just how ott this has all gotten in my mind but it won't go and just keeos building. especially when the people i know are still bringing it up and spreading it round! Sorry to bother you again and thank you once again for your time. I genuinely appreciate it!
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (7 December 2009):
I wouldn't hate booze as much as the friends that are forcing me to drink and threaten to ruin my life every 5 seconds. you don't trust your friends you seem to kind of fear them & what they'll do with these incriminating photos. is it possible to sit them down and be like, okay, this joke is getting old and you don't respect that I was in a bad place at the time and am trying to move on and it's really ruining my self-esteem and future. i know certain guy groups really won't tolerate such open...talks, but honestly if they're unwilling to hear how you feel about it they really don't sound like good friends to me; i would evaluate their friendships and see if you may be better off without them (from what I can tell, that's a yes)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): Hi there, i know all too well the feeling of shame remembering something from the past and wanting to shake off the past but it still cropping up. But what i can tell from reading this is that you are deeply ashamed of that incident and you try and stop others from bringing it up. What you did was a long time ago and drink can make people do things which they would never consider doing when sober. You cant change what has happened nor do i think you should dwell on it. You may drink now but i doubt from what you have out that you would ever repeat that behaviour again. Personally if you was my boyfriend and you told me what you had done i would not think any less of you. Lots of people do silly things when they are younger and you have clearly grown up a lot since then.
I would mention it to your girfriend if it arises but would not make a big deal of it and that includes other people who bring it up. Sadly you cant change what has happened and the fact that they foud it so amusing they have stored it. But please forgive yourself, you really havent hurt anyone and maybe they find it so funny because they know it is not really in your nature to be this way.
You were young and it was your way of coping with growing up. As for your feeling depressed, that is linked with low self esteem and maybe speaking to someone about that might help you gain some confidence and help you to overcome you depression. Best of luck and remember we all make mistakes, your human and now you feel remorse, but you never hurt anyone x
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A
female
reader, Sweety Pie +, writes (6 December 2009):
 Oh mate... I bet it was hilarious at the time! But not for you, you poor thing!
Look, if they are your mates, I dont think they would show your girlfriend, they will probs just tease you about it... and if the pictures are on their old phones, I doubt they still have the chargers etc for them.
As for the ones on the internet, well yeah that sucks, but as its 6 years on, I doubt people are that bothered anymore, its just something to bring up at awkward times.
I think theres a fair chance your girlfriend will find out at some stage though.. so prehaps you should tell her first? Maybe tone it down a bit though.. if thats not an option, id speak to your mates, and ask them not to tell her, i bet they will tease, but if your serious they shouldnt let it slip.
Of course, the other option is to get one of them to drink 3 pints of mixed spirits (how are you still alive?!) and take pictures of them doing something stupid, then you will be all but forgotten ;)
Only kidding.. :)
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