A
female
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anonymous
writes:Im 19 and i first had sex when i was 18. I regret it so much. My bf at the time guilted me into it and pressured me. I wish I was stronger.Everyday I feel disgusted by myself because of what I did. I regret it because he turned out to not be who i thoguht he was, he turned out to be a user and an abuser. I also regret it because i now feel digusted and my whole family (who dont know im not a virgin now) make really nasty comments about people who have sex before marriage.This probably hurts me most because i cant share something so personal with the people who are closest to me- my family. If they knew, they would think the same horrible things about me. When something comes on tv about a girl who has had sex outside of marriage they frown upon it, and imply that she doesnt deserve respect. My family arent really religous either though, its just what they believe in. but the thing is before i had sex with my ex bf, they didnt really talk much about sex, i had no idea how serious there views on no sex before marriage were. Its really jsut recently they have been making these nasty comments. I need help dealing with all this guilt and feeling bad and disgusted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): You have lost your virginity and are feeling GUILTY and disgusted with yourself.
Your family is JUDGMENTAL and is making you feel worst.
We are dealing here with a situation where you suffered a trauma; as loosing your virginity was not pleasurable to you, and the consequences traumatic.
You are feeling guilty and you are feeling probably ‘dirty”; upset and angry because you feel you let yourself down; your family is not treating you with the same RESPECT and you doubt your own SELFRESPECT and DIGNITY.
You are battling to FORGIVE and to FORGET and to set yourself free from these emotions.
Being traumatized threatens our equilibrium, especially when the loss is irreversible, such as in your case losing your virginity.
It takes time to accept a loss and to make peace with the situation. The first and usual response to loss is to feel pity for yourself and place the blame for our misfortune on someone or something. BUT when we take responsibility of OVERCOMING our traumas, we become better acquainted with ourselves and achieve a GREATER ACCEPTANCE of life.
A lasting trauma is when we suffer without a positive change. With time our pain subsides, our wounds heal and we discover the most valuable thing we possess, LIFE ITSELF. There is very little medicine like HOPE, no tonic more powerful then to belief there is a SOLUTION for every TRAUMA.
Nobody needs to be a hopeless, helpless victim; however, we are experts at blaming others instead of realizing that we are responsible to free ourselves from the past.
The DISAPROVAL of others is a powerful DETERRENT, but hardly a strong enough reason to be less than who you truly are. IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY, assert your right to be accepted as yourself (I can’t think of a more basic human right).
If you want to be treated as “who and what” you are, then you must define “who” that is.
Trapped in a worthless preoccupation with sorting out what happened and who was to blame, you are going no where, except into depression and creating a negative self image. MOVIN ON from what happened will be far more productive and exciting as hanging on.
What happened is not the “ending” nor does it have to be a “failure”; but it might be necessary to air those stuffy inner rooms, reassessing values, starting anew.
You need to FORGIVE yourself. Start LOVING and RESPECTING yourself again;
RELEASE the feelings of guilt and let go of the past; look towards new beginnings.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): In moving the post around I forgot to complete the opening paragraph
....is the thing those we would most like to share with frown upon, it leaves us alone with our thoughts our anger or our guilt and shame
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): There are things we have all done that we feel pretty sick about afterwards, those moments when we wish we could turn the clock back...but we can't we live with the scars and the mistakes of the past. It doesn't help to learn that the thing we are beating ourselves up over is the
The first thing you have to come to terms with is 'what is done is done', you can't get your virginity back and you can't change who you first had sex with. True it isn't going to help when he thing you feel wretched about turns out to be the thing your parents frown about... Although I can't understand why you failed to notice this viewpoint when you were growing up.
Secondly you have to accept your part in this and I suspect that is your biggest hurt, you allowed this guy to have sex with you and then he turns out to be a jerk, your post does raise the question would it be different sitting at home if he'd been a super guy, maybe the comments would have been uncomfortable but not hurtful.
Finally it is a pity your family weren't religious because they would be able to restore you and help you seek forgiveness rather than simply condemning you through there reaction to TV programmes.
So you made a mistake the question is what are you going to do about it are you going to let this incident damage you for the rest of your life or are you going to be the woman you should be. Hating yourself and self pity won't make things right. You need to forgive yourself and endeavour to get it right next time, Love is all about forgiveness it is all about hope and without those there is only despair. Loving yourself is a conscious decision, in which you forgive yourself for your mistakes and leave them in the past, then get out there and learn to love again. Oh and resolve to tread warily as far as sex is concerned seeing as it has given you so much grief, and don't give in to blackmail of any type ilk nature or description in the name of Love, because it isn't Love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): Your feelings of guilt and shame actually stem from your family their closed minded attitude towards sex. This actually has nothing to do with how the guy left you, you probably expected him to marry you. Sex is how ever you view it, and for your family saying a woman who has sex before marriage doesn't DESERVE RESPECT is absolutly hideous and their minds belong in the old biblical days throwing stones. I RESPECT their opinion for THEM alone but only if they wish to live by it themselves all well and Good! but don't ram it down everyone else's neck and judge who deserves respect. You had a jump hope you enjoyed it at the time and hope you have many more either before or after marriage. That CHOICE is YOURS, but do not blame the men you have sex with for the way your family make you feel. You have nothing at all to feel bad or guilty about and if you want to be strong get your OWN mind questioning what is RIGHT FOR YOU not them. If they want to cast stones let them do it to themselves before OTHERS. You may think i have judged BUT i was ASKED my judgement on your situation.
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A
female
reader, tayalouise  +, writes (26 October 2008):
 Everybody makes mistakes, most people's sexual experiences the first time are not what they thought they would be. You can't blame yourself for this, the guy sounds manipulative and persuasive and this is something you had no idea would happen.As hard as it is, you must try and move on. If it is affecting you in a way that you can't get on with your life and rid of these guilty feelings, perhaps you could get some counselling or therapy?I hope it doesn't come to thatGood luck for the future.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (26 October 2008):
What you need to do is forgive yourself.
You made a mistake. You were young and you did something stupid. Lots of people do stupid things. Accept it and learn from it and move on.
As for your family. Ask them why they feel so strongly about it. Ask them why they are so judgemental about stuff on TV when it's not even real. They may not be right about everything. Don't take their comments personally. They are not attacking you. Don't watch so much tv with them if they really bother you.
Move on and concentrate on something else like your career or your friends. Go out with your girlfriends and have fun!
Good Luck!! xx
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