A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,My fiance's dad past away two weeks ago. I have never been through the death of a loved one meanless to say I have no references to help her out.We live in Florida and her dad past away where he lived in California. We flew there together for the first week but then I had to go back to work, she stayed there and is still there. We have daily phone call conversations and they seem to be worst and worst everyday. I bought a few books to help myself understand the phases of grieving but she now entered the anger phase and I feel she is always mad at me, never wants to share anything with me. Everything is changing, I do not know what to do.We had such a great relationship, I am starting to question if it is being destroyed for ever or if this is only temporary. Is it normal to be mad at everyone including the one you love?I really need some advice, I am doing everything I can to support her and be with her but this anger against me, I am starting to take it personally and I get scared.Thank you for any advices or similar experiences.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2011): To reply to the August 15, 2011 comment:
The relationship went from bad to worst as she was an unstable person. Her father's death only increased that instability. We separated a few months after her dad's death and she ended up getting pregnant from the first guy that came after. They got married and got divorced within a year. Very sad story. On my end could not be happier and in a stable relationship for 3 years, getting married in October.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2011): I'm wondering how this has turned out. My fiance's mother passed away 3 weeks ago, and I'm wondering if you eventually got married?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): Give her a break. Her father just died!!! Died! Dead! Gone forever! She needs your support and understanding, not you wondering if this has ruined your relationship. Gads!
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A
female
reader, babewithbrains  +, writes (3 August 2008):
 oh, and I dont think all the emotions she is going through can be written in a book.
Jelly
x
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A
female
reader, babewithbrains +, writes (3 August 2008):
Give her some space for a bit - but mind not to much, or she'll get the wrong end of the stick. Grief is a horrible thing and takes time to heal over, like an emotional broken leg, you have to let it heal before you can think straight again, and even the slightest thing could make it hurt again.
Jelly
xxx
Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): Hi best let her be and actually let her have the time to grieve on her own and to come around when she's ready. Give her time and space!Her Anger not so sure about that one though, your not her whipping boy so don't allow it too much, she has not got a licence to be nasty to you because her dads died and i would be firm in telling her that. I have had very close bereavements myself as well as the same as you with my partner and yes you can feel anger amongst a total roller coaster of alien feelings and the blackest of holes. If you are asking her when she will get over her loss and suffocating her, then she will get angry with you and deservedly..you support her by getting on with your life, as hers at the moment has stopped and you can not change that or hurry it along, give her time and i would not be on the phone too much either, let her ring you when she wants to say something. I think you'll find she can no longer direct her anger at you this way and she can see your support by just SIMPLY carrying on waiting for her return. She will realise how lucky she is to actually have that support and as for stages.....there are many many different days and different feelings, no order and time span, death is not a knowledge we are prepared for it hits you from behind and rips your world apart, and catapults you into the unknown and you are often on your own and only the individual holds the key to freedom and transformation no matter what support is available. A book won't help much it's a personal journey that we have to learn sometimes do we live our life again and rebuild or do we die with them? you carry on living let her return to living when she is ready.
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A
female
reader, Angela.B +, writes (3 August 2008):
 "is it normal to be mad at everyone even the one you love?"
It is not only normal, it is more likely that we will express the anger towards those we love precisely because we love them.
You are a safe avenue for her to express these feelings and emotions to. After all, you at least know what she is going through and love her enough to tolerate these outbursts. Whereas a stranger in the street would be rather less understanding so when dealing with people on a day to day level she will be suppressing the way she feels and putting on a mask of normality.
You need to be strong and keep reminding yourself that whatever words are being used, she doesn't mean them. She is just trying to get rid of the underlying emotion that is eating her up. It is far from easy to do this, and very easy to forget why it is happening and take it personally.
You are already doing the right things to help both you and her deal with this. You have gone out and learned about the grieving process and that anger is a natural part of it. Use that knowledge to help give you the strength to get through this very difficult period, and keep telling yourself it is a natural phase that will pass.
Giving them permission to feel angry is important, as it is not something that we normally view as acceptable yet it is a vital part of the grieving / recovery process.
When I went through something similar my "tactic" was to allow my partner the time and space to rant and rave at me, but not respond to it. I made it clear I was listening, but refused to allow myself to get drawn into an argument. Then once they had calmed down a little (we can only rant for so long!) I would take the initiative, tell them that I loved them and understood how upset they were and that is was ok to feel angry about (in this case) their father passing away.
This would normally lead to them being able to acknowledge why they were angry, apologise for the things they had just said to me and tell me that they didn't mean them, and to express their sorrow and grief about (in this case) their father.
It's not an easy time for either of you, the only consolation being that it will pass and once it does you will probably find your relationship is stronger for having got through this together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have never thought of leaving my fiance, she is everything in my life. Maybe I did not make myself understood in my first post.
I was wondering if someone which went through this could explain to me how the anger phase affects the relationship.
Also, what can I do to help my fiance through this anger phase and also, what can I do to help myself not take this personally?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBaby Duck,
I have never spoken of leaving her. The idea has not crossed my mind and I have no intention to let it. My first post was concerning the anger, is it normal to be mad at everyone even the one you love? How do I deal with it to help her out? These were my questions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): You posting just defies words...you surely cannot be serious in writing it, because if you are it is one of the most selfish postings I have ever read in my life. For goodness sakes..your fiance's father has just died, and you are worried about the effect on YOU, and only YOU. Clue in my friend....your fiance is in pain. You clearly have never lost a loved one. The death of a loved on is bar none the most difficult thing one can experience. Some people never get over it, others take many years, but I can guarantee you one thing...no one gets over it in 2 weeks.
My mother passed away 6 weeks ago today, and I can tell you it has been the most bitter experience of my life. Of course it affect ones relationships with everyone, and judging from your total lack of compassion and understanding, you have done nothing to help. Grow up.
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A
female
reader, KimmyDee20 +, writes (3 August 2008):
 First I would like to say ho sorry I am of yours and your Fiancees lost, but i don't know if you know this from reading your books but there are five stages of the grieving process
you have the 'denial stage' where over and over she will tell herself that it can't be happening to her.. and pretending like he is still there then theres the 'Anger stage' where she will constantly question herself , 'Why her?' and will probably blame her father at some point for leaving her and that means being angry at everyone else too and forever searching for answers..then you have the 'bargaining stage' ie hoping or praying to god making deals with him to change or stop the pain and begging to bring him back .. then you have the 'depressing stage' the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness, frustration mourning loss of a loved on other than dreaming of hopes for the future, there can sometimes be a stage of feeling of suicidal and then you get the 'Acceptance stage' and thats not resigning the fact that hes gone but to accept the loss and not bear it quietly and realisation that her father his gone and that it was not her fault at all and findin comfort an healing ...
If you feel she is that depressed that she must get help as soon as possible let her know that even if she may not believe it now but she will heal and to feel so much pain and anger is normal as we are human with feelings but it does not mean its time to stop living too as her fiance help her to become stronger , i know its hard but your love and security will help her through this and go out there again and show her ...
Love and Light to you and i hope what i have said has helped you understand what she is going through ... and remember dont give up be strong.... and please keep us posted
K.xxxxxx
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (3 August 2008):
 It will take her a long time to come to terms with this and she may feel really bad for a long time. You have to be patient with her and just let things go for a while.
My nanna died 6 weeks before I gave birth to my first child. After a few months I was laid in bed crying one night and my husband (now ex) said for gods sake isnt it time you got over this now she's been dead 8 weeks.
The truth is I have never got over it, its been 16 years now and I miss her terribly. Although I dont cry constantly there are times when I get very emotional and things will remind me of her, like every time my daughter has a birthday as it hurt me so much she never got to meet my wonderful nanna.
So these things take time and all you can do is help her and support her. Soon it will not be the only topic of conversation but it doesnt mean she will be over it. You just have to be supersensitive and let her get over this in her own time in her own way x
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