A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to think of this and would like opinions. My fiance's father died in Jan. Both his ex-wife and I attended the funeral and we were both civil. I was a little hurt by the fact that his ex deposited herself squarely in the front row in the midst of family and hung firmly on my fiance's mother until the very, very end of the funeral and reception after. I (maturely, I think) had decided earlier that I wouldn't make anything awkward and would sit a few rows behind the family with my friends and siblings. My fiance and his ex have had a bitter divorce. She had multiple affairs, is an alcoholic and is according to her "done" being a mom to their four children. In short, though they were married 27 years, she didn't really deserve a seat of honor. Here's the big question. I just found out that my fiance told his ex that she could sit with the family! 1) This would be much better if he had told me prior. 2) He said she deserved to since she was the mother of his kids. And to add insult to injury, she wore her wedding ring that day! I just feel that there's a difference between civility and no boundaries. My fiance and I have been dating for 3 years and engaged for over a year. I get along with his kids and his family. I am reasonable and adult -- his ex is not. Do I have a right to feel a little angry and betrayed at learning this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2012): There is such a thing as a "bad" mother and a "bad" wife --being a biological mother doesn't excuse you from bad behaviors, selfishness, and extremely narcissistic and bad judgement (like affairs). Funerals and weddings are funny as they distill and make very public the nuances of relationships. A little self-awareness and shame is a very good thing and that was an opportunity to show both.
A
female
reader, LaceratedReality  +, writes (26 June 2012):
It does not seem like this is just about the funeral to me. You constantly feel the need to tell everyone why she is a bad person.
Why do you need to compete with her? Do you have low self esteem or do you just want desperately to be better than her?
No matter how you feel about her - she is the mother of your fiance's children and they were married for 27 years which in my opinion trumps your 3 year relationship in this situation and many others.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2012): I feel she had a right to sit there, and he was perhaps in line asking her to. But the ring?...WTF?
I had the same situation back in Feb. My Dad died, my fiancee and my ex-wife of 21 years (divorced for a year) decided on her own to sit three rows back with her mom and my son. My Fiancee sat next to me. Both were civil but did not talk or look at one another. We too had a rough divorce, and there is a lot of resentment from her toward me, so that seemed typical. I would have encouraged her to sit up front, especially since she had my son with her. but she chose her place, and I respected her choice.
It's just a funeral...it doesn't speak to the whole nature of their or your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2012): Whoa! Where's the love? Overwhelmingly in her favor! Ok, I will take it with a grain of salt (as I keep having to be the bigger person with her always anyway), but I guess I didn't portray the situation well to begin with. My fiance and I have known each other since kindergarten, and his ex is extraordinarily difficult. No, we did not have an affair. We reconnected after his divorce. Yes, it was obviously about my fiance and his father and the family's loss. I completely supported him and understood it (even though it was actually a relief that his very elderly father passed on finally as he was fairly verbally abusive to his wife and it was physically very difficult on her as a caretaker). He had told her that she couldn't come at all, then relented, then even told her she could sit with the family, hence my surprise.As for the ring, yes, just a silly piece of jewelery, but she suddenly put it on for the day.The funeral was in Jan., I just found out that he told his ex she could sit with the family though. She is a terrible mother (has a restraining order against one of her kids and openly parties with her oldest daughter and is about to do the same with her 16-year old), but it is her election to act that way and her loss of a potentially good family.I will let it go.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 June 2012):
 I have to agree with the majority of the aunties. She had EVERY right to be there. They were married for 27 years and I'm BETTING that no matter how rotten the divorce was they had some really good years together as well.
Why she still had her wedding ring after the divorce I don't know. But maybe it meant something to her, specially on the day of his burial.
Your Fiance wanted her to sit with the family to minimizing the drama and because she WAS/IS family. However, you seem to miss the whole point of a funeral. The DAY was about your fiance. Celebrating his death and honoring on his final trip. It wasn't YOU VERSUS the EX-WIFE.
Stop and think. Don't be selfish and seriously, get over it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2012): Different strokes for different folks? To me a piece of jewellery means nothing: I went without a wedding band for years although I was married with a kid. I know of people who wear their rings after a divorce or being widowed etc. Why is his ex not allowed to wear her jewellery esp her wedding band? Did she just use it for show? Did she specifically show any disrespect to you? Sitting with her (ex) family. This is where the usual drama occurs. Whose right is it to sit where and whose right is it to mingle as the family unit. You know what I mean? Did the ex disrespect you by sitting with her former in law? If yes, then how? Why are You so hung up about his ex? You acted with dignity and you made a decision to sit in the back. Where was Mr Lovey while you bore holes into his exs back. (A silly joke, so plse don't take offence) . Was he with you or near to her? It doesn't matter whether she will not win mother of the year or wife of the decade: she was his wife for 27 years. This speaks volumes. Yes she's bitter about the divorce but what can you do? Nothing! Its time both you (and her) grow up. A funeral is NOT a place to stake your rightful place. Respect the dead and stop the drama. If anything life is too short so please don't sweat the small stuff.Rings and rightful place in a funeral is just sooo yesterday. There are much more important things to worry about (to me at least)Sorry I know I'm not too helpful but my close friends hubby died last week. A healthy man. A good man. A decent man. He leaves behind 2 minor kids and a devastated wife. Nothing can take away the pain and pettiness and drama is so not tolerated right now. LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 June 2012):
 The only thing I see wrong here is that the ex wore her wedding ring that day. And that’s ON HER not him or the family.
I agree with CindyCares and the other posters who feel that the ex wife is still the family. She is the mother of the grandchildren. She had a very long term relationship with the family (most of her life) and as the mother of the grandchildren she is indeed deserving of being treated like family.
She and your fiancé divorced. She did not divorce his mom (her ex MIL and the grandmother of her children)…
Yes it would have been nice had he thought to tell you before the incident that she was being invited to sit with the family but he didn’t. Perhaps his thinking was clouded as he was mourning his father’s death.
I do not think in any way shape or form you
should be angry or feel betrayed.
The only hurt is that he didn’t tell you in advance but to be honest there are seriously extenuating circumstances.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2012): I wouldnt feel angry or hurt. You decided you werent going to sit up front with the him and his family anyway, so I guess no real harm was done. As for her wearing her old wedding ring. If it meant nothing to her while she as cheating, I doubt it can mean anything now either. Just let it go but make sure you are by his side for any other family events in future. Once you are married there will be a shift in the family dynamics. That might leave you feeling a little more secure about things.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 June 2012):
 I don't think you have the right to feel angry and betrayed. . She was family for 27 years, and she still IS family, as the mother of 4 of the dead's person grandchildren. I think formally speaking she had the right to be there. Besides, in 27 years you form bonds with people, maybe they still remember when she was not an alchoholic, a cheating wife etc., there must have been good loving times before everything went pear shaped. Maybe they generously have decided , in such a sad time , to focus on the good parts of the past. Regardless, for good or for bad, 27 years is a heck of a long time, you get attached to people PERSONALLY, regardless of marital status. The fact that the marriage went sour does not negate that she was and is and important part in the history of this family.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (25 June 2012):
 Yes bad choice by him and crappy behaviour by her...but he probably did it so she wouldn't kick up!!
It was his dads funeral and coping with the ex the way she is, is probably a bit like coping with a naughty child...the more resistance, the more fuss.
He probably knew you'd be generous and take it on the chin!!
I can see why you are hurt but the deed has been done. You could pick it over with him, but it's probably not going to happen again.
Her wearing the ring and clinging to his mother was probably done to be 'in your face' and upset you...mission accomplished...she's upset you.
That's the problem with marrying/dating people with ex's whom they share kids with...you have to kinda accept that there will be some hostility and if the ex is a bitch, there isn't much you can do.
Personally I'd wash it off, no point upsetting your already good relationships with the rest of his family.
He messed up by letting her in, but maybe he just wasn't thinking clearly (dad's death an all)...I'd give him the benefit of the doubt unless you want to release a war!!
Hugs xx
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (25 June 2012):
 Your fiance's ex wife is the mother of the deceased person's grandchildren. That fact alone gives her more right to sit with the family than you, I am not trying to be nasty or take sides here, but the 27 years of marriage and the four kids gives her a 'seat of honour' if that is what you want to call it, at the funeral.
As to the wearing of the wedding ring, who knows why she did that, there may have been some significance for her and her father in law, or she may have worn it in recognition of the 27 year marriage or she may have worn it unthinking, or she may have worn it for spite. If anybody had questioned her about it she would have been well within her rights to say it was her ring and she could wear it where ever and when ever she likes ....
He died in January, was there some reason for the funeral not to be held until June or has this issue been festering since then?
The fact you have been engaged for a year and get on with everybody, and see yourself as a reasonable person and her not as reasonable doesn't negate the fact she had a right to sit where she did.
You need to let this drop, its over and done with, and the only way any of this can cause you anger or feelings of betrayal is if you let it.
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