A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my fiancee for 7 years now and things have been good. We got engaged November 2019, but delayed the wedding to mid-2022 due to covid.No exes to worry about, no drama, until now.Her ex-husband from 14 years ago when she lived in Manhattan, who's sick (and my partner has told me he's sick in the sense "mentally disturbed, warped", not "in poor health, literally sick") and that she divorced him by November 2007 for his sick behaviors, which are stomach-churning to mention and won't go into here, she thought she hadn't seen him since moving here to Arizona in early 2008, but no. Now he's kept coming to our house at all hours, we've had cops involved, but they've done very little about it, other than warning him, but it's had no effect.Our house is already fairly secure, we've got CCTV, but are dumping RING doorbells due to privacy issues with the firm.My fiancee says she doesn't want to talk to him and is afraid of him, I'm upset about the whole thing and feel too embarrassed to mention it to family.How can we deal with the situation before it gets worse with her sick ex?
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female
reader, Alwin  +, writes (28 September 2021):
 File a restraining order ASAP!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2021): P.S.
Home security services can't stop people from showing-up at your home. You need evidence, and to be alerted of any intrusions or threats to you or your property. That's their function, and all they can do.
Don't just dump your security service; not unless you've found a replacement. You need security for when you're home, and away from home!
If you've shutdown a service, you have to quickly replace it! Now is not the time to be bickering with home security companies! If one is inadequate, go find another. Do your research, and pay close attention to customer reviews and complaints.
You also need a lawyer, to make sure you know your rights. Sometimes you're not taken seriously; until a lawyer reminds law enforcement what they're there for. There are bigots and homophobes in uniform; who will be more concerned about your lifestyle, than your safety. Such is life and human nature.
When the police are aware that you know the stalker; and they've done no particular harm. Don't expect them to just go arrest somebody; just because you're scared of them, or they annoy you. He can pretty much be a persistent annoyance; as long as he doesn't break-in, or lay a finger on you. If he threatens you with bodily harm, or damages your property; then you can file charges, and he could be arrested.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2021): She'll have to contact the police and file a restraining order. She should take videos and keep records of any threats and unauthorized visits.
You and your fiancé feel justifiably threatened for your safety; and you should make it abundantly clear to the police that he suffers from mental-illness. If he has record of doing harm to himself, or others; she should make sure the police have all the verifiable information she can provide.
Meanwhile, I suggest that you step-up your home security; and setup video cameras and alarms. Even get yourselves a good watchdog.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 September 2021):
 I'd say contact a lawyer. See if you can seek a restraining order or a no-contact order.
Unless your fiance has kids with him, there is no reason for him to show up.
Keep the security up around the house. Lock doors and windows and KEEP calling the Police every time he shows up.
If there is PROOF of his past behavior towards your fiance - make sure the police know about this too.
"My fiancee says she doesn't want to talk to him and is afraid of him, I'm upset about the whole thing and feel too embarrassed to mention it to family."
This is more about the safety of you both than YOUR embarrassment.
She should NOT speak to him. AT ALL. You should not speak to him either. I would involve family so they know what's up. HE is the one not behaving "right".
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