A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I have been engaged for four months now. We are happily tra la la in love. Things are going smooth and I have NEVER been this happy with a man in my life. Here is the sitch. Before he and I met, he had dated a female for a month and they broke up because of a ultamateum she posed on him and he left. Fast foward to a month later, he and I started dating. Things were great until she started texting him saying she misses him deeply and she was sorry that she wasn't enough for him, that she has been crying constantly. Her friends would come to my fiance at his work to tell him how miserable she is, asking why I am a better woman than her and blah blah blah (my fiance would show me each text she sent and i've witnessed her friend talking to him and he would tell me later whats going on). So, my fiance had texted her and said, "If you can not respect my relationship with 'soda1993' I do not want you talking to me". Cool...that ended it surprisingly. Double fast forward to five months later. She found out we were engaged. Here comes the waterworks, tickets for a guilt trip and an invite to a pity party. But seriously now, this is what she wrote to him. She starts off by saying "I guess I will try this 'being "Friends" ' thing" She states that she has a great job now, she is doing all of the things that they had planned to do, she's buying a house and dating a someone. I'm like, 'thank goodness!' BUT, she continued. She said that she can not force herself to love the man she is with because she still loves and misses my fiance. She said that she had a pregnancy scare and all she could think of was her and my fiance buying a house together and having kids. She continued on to say that she hopes that I can make him happy since she couldn't. Woe is me, woe is me blah blah blah. She misses him and he is all that she can think of. Now, at this point I am boiling because she has been told to stop this and just be regular friends. I don't mind him having female friends at all but this chick is pushing it. When I discussed my feelings with my fiance, he brought it to my attention that I have male friends. Which I do, but they are not trying to get with me nor are they wishing that their partners are me. I kindly asked him to remove her completely from his life again and he said no and that i have to trust him. I let him know that I trust him with all of my heart but my gut is saying something different because I don't trust HER. I tried explaining to him that she is only trying to make him feel sorry for her so that he can second guess his choice in leaving her and come back to her after he 'sees' how much she loves him. It's an old trick. I asked him how would he think the 'boyfriend' (if there is one) would feel if he read this. He said, "I don't know...it's just bizarre" But he won't relieve her of her 'friend' duty. We are scheduled to start our Pre-marital counseling sessions next week (August 14) but I need advice NOW. This is tearing me up and I need advice on what I can do. Am I being over sensitive or is he being 'weird'. How about the 'friend'...what would you all do? All advice is appreciated.
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female
reader, Practical  +, writes (9 August 2010):
That's so great .. it's so nice to see such a positive update .. your fiance is so understanding and caring .. no wonder why his ex is so attached to him :)
Good luck and be happy ..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate Update Update! My fiance and I had a very long deep convo about the whole thing. He said that he did not see things the way that I had brought to him. He said that it all made sense. He has removed her from his social networking sites, is changing his phone number and not going to talk to her again. He said that he had never thought about how I was thinking. He was very apologetic and things are fine. He said that he would never jepordize our relationship and that I mean the world to him (which I knew)and she was not worth me leaving. I didn't give him an ultamateum or anything like that, I just voiced my thoughts calmly and it went smoothly!
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A
female
reader, lam0111 +, writes (9 August 2010):
I agree with Practical completely, but I also understand how frustrating it can be when someone is obviously trying to be messy. But seriously, his ex needs some mental help!! She only dated him for a month and she's acting like that!!! What a nut job! Being annoyed and getting tired of an ex who is obviously not letting go doesn't mean you are insecure or jealous. People have a right to be annoyed by someone who will not take no for an answer. That's a human reaction... it's like getting too many calls from a telemarketer! It's how you handle the frustrations that may be perceived as insecurity or jealousy. To me it's all a matter of respect. You are his #1 priority and he is yours especially after you're married. If either of your have a friend (male or female, ex or not) that can not respect your own personal boundaries and space than you have every right in the world to speak your feelings. There are boundaries that friends, like all deal-breakers, should not cross... if she really wants to be just his friend. If he really wants to be just her friend than it's up to him to make sure she doesn't cross those boundaries.
I would just simply in a calm way (when your not in a heated debate over it) tell him it has nothing to do with jealousy or insecurities. It's a simple matter of a person not having respect for you and your relationship and most of all not respecting him ... in which always hurts when you see someone not respecting the one you love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for those who have replied so far. I'm very thankful that my fiance tells me everything and not hide info from me. I haven't spoken to him about the situation since the day he told me about the email and I had requested he no longer talk to her because she is treading in dangerous waters and was inappropriate. I'm waiting to see what the premarital counselor will say and I'm pretty sure it is going to be pretty close to what everyone has said thus far.
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (8 August 2010):
I ended up w/ a guy who also had a clingy ex- and she would not give up! she came over to his house when wer'e in bed and he answered his door w/ a towel wrapped around him! and the first thing out of her mouth was? whos in there. he told her it's none of her bussiness! and asked what she wanted? she gave him $50.00 dollars she has owed him for 3 yrs! go figure. well it didn't bother me because i do trust him even tho it's only been a month into our relationship! then she knew i had moved in w/ him so she called his house knowing i was there, and i would get the message! her mess, said i really enjoyed the weekend w/ you and the french tst i made you and now you are back w/ her you are a dog! but what she didnt know my man and i had been together all weekend!! some woman only what what they can'not have it's called rejection! she will get him back to show you she can then she will say here you go im done w/ him. she is a siccko. exspecially now that he rejected her and found someone he really cares for. and yep shes doing a pitty party trip and now shes willing to change after it's all done well she should of thought of it before it happened and just love him the way she says she does? think about it it's all head games for her. oh and going to buy a house for her and him oh boy well ok he will move in and she will have control and say so they fight she will kick him out. and you are not going crazy! (shes crazy) and he needs to tell her to take a hike its you he loves and sweetie, im sorry to tell you this but if he can't well it's going to get worse bcuzz hes letting her? and question! is he loving you 2 fighting over him? if it keeps up walk out and tell him that you know what you want out of life! and iam not going to be around that stupid *hit and that you won't play head games and will not. so he needs to figure it out and in the mean time i find out you are w/ her then we are no'more. and this other woman i was telling you about kepted coming to his job! and saying i still have the pic's do you want them or for me to keep them he told her to throw them in the trash and then she accused me of stalking her at her job! and i didn't even know where she worked! and she said to him shes not suppose to be driving your truck that it was hers and his truck he said no its our truck and you are sick so you need to leave!! well then she came to my job! and i didn't know who she was until after she finished her lunch and came up to me and introduced herself and tried to shake my hand i looked at her and said are you finished! then she started calling my house 2 in the morning and told me she knows where i walk my dogs and that i had a bassett hound, i was pissed i told her you know where i live well sweetie, bring it on. and told her the sick part is she can'not let go of someone who does not love her anymore. and that she needs to move on... i have never heard from her again! but that was because me and my boyfriend wer'e so serious he was done w/ her and i trusted him w/ all my heart until he gave me a reason not too! your man needs to stand by you on this one not behind you and grow some balls if he truly loves you!! because there is no other way to make this siccko go away as long as he allows her to remain friends w/ him it;s giving her false hopes!! good luck but don't get wrapped up in the ex- sick love triangle game you are better then that put your foot down and ask him straight up who do you love and if he says her well tell him they so deserve each other you watch and if he goes back it wont be long he will be back she is a woman who just wants to see if he will climb back in her bed and then shes going to pass him back your way???? he is not the only man on this earth!! let your beauty shine from the inside out and show that woman you are a classy woman and she is no threat to you are her words love should not hurt and if it does you need to back up regroup and put things into perspective and make you happy again don't need a man to make your world go around yes it's an additive if he is a good man+ stand your ground put that bull *hit out of your life! and if he will not deny her friendship! oh hell toss him her way. he will look at you and will be acting like her now saying i lost the best thing i ever had?and i would be saying to bad to sad you made your bed and go lay in it w/ her because it wont be me.Be A Lady!
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A
female
reader, primrose  +, writes (8 August 2010):
Hello, I was interested to read this question because im sort of in that other girls shoes at the minute. My boyfriend left me earlier this year and soon after was seeing someone else. So i can understand the situation. Its very hard for me to see them together but after the tears i realise they look happy together, he looks happy, and i would'nt want to interfere in that. It takes time to beable to move on and she proberly needs the space to do that. I know if i kept seeing my ex it wouldnt help me move on, so i have completely removed him from my life now, i admit i have sent him messages sometimes when ive had a bad day, sometimes he replys to me because i know we do still care about each other in some way(but i wouldnt use that to ruin his relationship, if she is doing that then thats wrong), but other times he ignores me which to be honest is the best thing for him to do. I have nothing against his new girlfriend and would hate for her to think of me how you do of your fiances ex.
Firstly congratulations on the engagement thats great, and i feel i totally agree with what you are saying. You have found someone you love and it feels great. And you want to be with him and not have someone interfering.
But on the other hand his ex is upset over all this, But i cant understand someone being so attached after only being together for 1 month? did they know each other before this? It is not easy to be friends after a break up believe me it is too complicated.
He needs to be with you now and to leave her alone and give her space and then in time she will move on. Like with me, if she contacts him he should ignore her, if he is serious about being with you then this would be the best thing he could do for her. Its good that he shows you the messages rather than hiding it. If she is lonely they are other people and social groups or clubs out there that can help her move on once she starts to meet new people. He should try not to feel guilty over this, and its wrong for her to interfere but if i found out my ex was engaged i would be in tears too but then id have to move on again, it takes time so be patient. As time goes on you should here less and less of her as long as he is ready to let her go.
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A
female
reader, Practical +, writes (8 August 2010):
U absolutely have NOTHING to be worried about : )
she's pitiful and that is never attractive !! ..
Stop talking about it with your fiance ! it makes u look insecure and controlling !!
STOP worrying .. nothing will happen .. he only spent a month dating her .. there's no real strong feelings or bonds that would drive him back to her unless u act either jealous and insecure or treat him in a very bad way which are possible reasons behind most of broken relationships ..
just boost up your trust and feelings of security .. u r the one who was chosen by him to be his life partner .. Do NOT make him rethink his decision and let her win..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): Your BF needs to decide what's more important, either drawing a FIRM line with this woman or your feelings. Clearly, this woman is NOT someone who he should have a 'friendship' with.
WHY would he be friends with someone like this?
NONE of us are obligated to be freinds with people we dated (or even previously married)... he has NO OBLIGATION to talk to this woman, be freindly towards her or allow her to continue to contact him.
My suggestion is that he informs her in writing, not a text that if she continues to contact him, you or any other members of his family that he will seek a restraining order on her. Clearly she lacks the ability to understand boundaries or respect other people's wishes. She may need a serious bitch slap upside her head.
FYI: earlier this year, a judge found a woman in violation of a retraining order when she simply "poked" her former BF on facebook... she went to jail.
Do what it takes to make this nut case go find someone else to harass...
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