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male
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*rushed heart
writes: Dear Cupid,I'm a 38 year old man and for the first time in my life I fell deeply in love. Eight months ago I met the woman of my dreams. She was everything that I dreamed for. We met online and in a very short time we had developed a close bond. I've never felt like this before and I'm afraid I never will again. She took my breath away. Her 39th birthday was 2 months ago and to celebrate we went to New York City with the intention of proposing marriage. I paid for the whole trip. She liked it when I bought her things. When I proposed, she asked if I could afford her. I didn't think anything of it because she said yes. I truly believe she loved me as much as I love her. That's all we talked about was spending the rest of our lives together.A month ago we went shopping and, again, I paid for everything. I realized that weekend that I had spent too much money and so I sent her an e-mail that I needed to save for our future together and that we needed to slow down on the shopping. She responded very nicely saying that I didn't need to spend a fortune on her and that she couldn't wait till we were living under one roof. I thought we were going to be okay. The other issue she has is that I don't talk enough. That I don't open up enough. We've had this conversation a couple times before and I promised I would try to open up more. In the end she felt that I wasn't open enough for her and that she felt alone when we were together. I was always happy to be with her, even though I'm quiet, shy and reserved, I was always happy. Now she broke up with me saying that she never wanted anything more than to be with me. That she never felt the way she felt with me with anyone else. That she really wanted more than anything to have our relationship work. But because of me not opening up it made her unhappy. And she broke off our engagement, gave back the ring and left me forever.I'm stunned and shocked. I cry every day because I don't know what to do. It took me this long to find someone to fall in love with and bond with and in a short time I lost her. I miss her so very much. I wish I could take back time and not send that e-mail and learn to open up more. I just wish she would accept me for me?So cold and alone.
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broke up, fiance, met online, money, shy Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2005): I have to agree with Monaliza there buddy. It doesn't seem that your fiancee really broke with you because you didn't open up, that was only an excuse. Any woman with any understanding of men knows that we just don't have the ability they have to open up. We have different shaped brains, we are hardwired emotionally different. When a woman asks a man "how do you feel" or "what are you thinking" they want a discussion. We just don't know what they are on about!
If I was asked "how are you feeling I mean really feeling" by a woman I'd probably say "well I'm a bit hungry and my bad hurts again!" You are probably the same. So what if you can't "open up". None of us can. The men who can are genuine expections to the rule or great at lying.
Her asking you could you afford her after you proposed so romantically in NY speaks loads to me. If she really was in love with you she'd say yes with tears in her eyes, and never cast a thought to what you could afford.
Its clear to me she was there only for the good times when you were splashing your money around. You are well rid of her my friend. Be thankful. Manys a man ends up married to women like her and live quiet lives of misery until their dying days living in penury!
Get out and try to get something to do. Liek a new sport or activity even out to the pubs with pals. I'm sure you at 38 like myself must have loads of mates married with kids who'd only too happy to get out of the house for a few pints or even go to the nightclub with their heartbroken friend just because "God love him he needs to get out" or at least thats what they'll tell their wives.
It'll take time to get over it, so give it time. She wasn't the girl of your dreams after all, cause if she was you'd be living that dream.
Finding the right one, or for most of us the next best thing is all about luck, so remember like in golf the more you practice the luckier you'll get!
Whatever you do don't buy into all that rubbish about "soul mates" and all that. Its pure bunkum. There's any number of women out there who'd possibly fit that description for you, you just have to go out and start meeting them. Go on do it!
A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (4 September 2005):
The first cut is the deepest. You have had your heart broken. Don't try to forget her, allow yourself to grieve for the love you have lost, feel it to the very depths of your soul. Take your time, listen to sad love songs, do what ever it takes, send her a goodbye poem or some goodbye flowers, don't expect a reply. Look after your health during this trying time. Get a good book on loss or look it up on the net. There are many different emotions you will go through, when you hit anger you know you are on the mend. Until then take care.
Delila
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A
reader, pops +, writes (4 September 2005):
Obviously she can't accept you for the quiet loner, who can't talk about feelings, that you are. You can wish for a million dollars, but that's not likely to happen either. Learn from this about yourself. At your age, you should have fallen in and out of love several times, or be happily married, with kids. Both of you think you need to work on social skills. So, work on them. If at first you can't find someone to listen to you, then write a daily diary, where you write down everything you are feeling. YOu will at least learn to unburden yourself, and form the words to speak about yourself. Then, when you find someone to talk to, you will know what to say, and how to say it. People who can talk about themselves, preferably with a self-deprecating sense of humor, are a lot more interesting to be around. That means, don't take yourself too seriously. For instance, I teach a course where part of the curriculum is to acquaint students with ways to cook wild game. I have been teaching this for more than 20 years, and cooking wild game a lot longer. I also gained more than 50 lbs. because of a chronic back problem, and have a belly I would rather not have. When I talk about cooking, I assure my students that my expertise is guaranteed by my appearance, saying, "I didn't get this fat not knowing how to cook!"
That always gets smiles, and a few laughs from some of them, and for my overweight students, a sense of relief that we can laugh at ourselves, and thereby be socially acceptable in a society that is diet conscious. Move on. The whole purpose of engagements is to allow both parties to get to know the other better, with the idea of making a marriage out of a more casual relationship. Many if not most engagements end in breakups. Better to find out now, than after you are married.
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A
female
reader, MonaLiza +, writes (4 September 2005):
Dear Crushed heart, I feel your pain and wish there was an easy way for you to deal with this but the truth is that it seems like this women wasn't really that into you.If she really and truely loved you she would have tried to understand you and accept you just the way you are. She was only looking for excuses and don't you ever change for someone else !! Find someone that will love you for who and what you are...
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