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male
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my fiance for over 3 years now and we love each other dearly. recently she told me she has feelings for someone else but she loves me and wants to be with me but she feels guilty because she feels this way. We have talked about this but I dont know how to help her? I keep telling her that i love her and that we need to be strong, then everything will be alright. But she is not coping with her feelings for someone else. Im scared i will lose her, what do i need to do?
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (5 July 2006):
 Oh dear, She loves someone else and you want to still marry her... You are worried about losing her, sorry hun but I think you already have. You cant love her for the both of you.. it doesnt work like that.. I am truly very sorry for you but if she loves someone else shes never going to be yours completely is she ? Why does she think she loves someone else ? How has this happend, have they been seeing each other ? If she truly wants to be with you then how has she let herself fall inlove with someone else ? Something happend along the way and shes feeling guilty now for getting too involved... Im not sure on how best to proceed but can you really marry her knowing that she loves someone else ? can you always carry on knowing that she might want to act on this and move on to this other person, she says she wants to be with you now, but what if in a years time her feelings for this other guy are still there and she cant deal with them and wants to act on them what then ? Its not fair on any of you... If it hasnt already got physical with this other guy what if she wants it to... ? What then ? I dont think there is anything that you can do to help her as its her that has these feelings and its her that needs to know what she wants to do about it... she cant carry on loving both of you, its one or the other, I think you need to know why or how she fell in love with this other person and if she can detach herself.. I really dont see how this can work, if shes always going to feel guilty about falling for someone else then how can it work ? She feels guilty because shes knows she has put herself in this position... if she truly loved you then she wouldnt have done this... Find out all the answers you can as to how this happend and maybe talk about it from there, but if she continues to feel this way it may be that you have to move on, you cant carry on forever with her knowing that shes loves someone else and may one day want to be with him, you will intime resent her for having these feelings for someone else and she may wish she had chosen him, its a bit of a mess and shes the only one that can change this, she needs to decide whether she can put him behind her and move on and just focus on your or be with him, the guilt you say she is feeling is telling me that shes loves this other guy and actually wants to be with him but is too scared to tell you that and feels bad for letting herself get into the position, so to make it right and to not hurt you more shes decided to stay with you, shes knows shes in the wrong but if she really loved you, she wouldnt love the other guy, she knows shes wrong and her guilt is making her stay with you as she knows you didnt deserve this... she didnt really want to hurt you and probably does love you but the torment is because she does love this other guy.. i cant really see a way back but ask her the reasons she fell for this guy and ask her why she loves you and is she truly happy with you... i dont know how you can help her as its her thats the problem and its her that has to deal with her feelings, you cant make her feel any better as she knows its wrong and cant deal with the guilt no matter what you say shes always going to be thinking of this other guy and i think thats why shes so upset, because really she wants to give it a shot with him but is scared.. you need to know for sure so ask her outright.. stop being so nice about it... shes taken you for granted and you need to know the score and what she really wants...
Take care x x
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2006): I feel very sorry for you as I know just what you are going through my fiancee made the same announcement after 7 1/2 years. What ever you do or say in my experience will make little difference if she is now in love with someone else. I assume you have told her how you feel and have showered her with all the love in the world, but she is probably thinking the grass is allways greener on the otherside. I think you have to lay your cards out on the table for her, tell her exactly how you are feeling, you have made a commitment to her and assumed she had as well. Absence may on this occasion make the heart grow fonder so perhaps you should go and let her have some space and time to think. If you feel you can salvage the situation then you have to, with her consent, put as much distance between yourselves and this other bloke. It is a question of trust when you get to this stage as you will probably now always wonder whether she is text messaging this other guy, or thinking of him. Tell her too be honest with you as you have to much love for each other to lie and you would rather find out what her true intentions are now, rather than waiting to be hurt months later on. I think your fiancee will be thinking about her long term compatability with you and whether she wants a future with you, it's probaly a scary thought if you are a young couple and thinking of settling down for good. One word of warning, if she says "she loves you but is not in love with you"...then it is over. Good luck you need to talk with her, and I hope for your sake you can salvage it.
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A
female
reader, Angel Wings +, writes (4 July 2006):
 Might be an idea to stop telling her that you love her so much, and showing her that ~ "Actions speak louder than words".
Buy flowers, take her out to dinner.
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A
male
reader, tonsta +, writes (4 July 2006):
im sorry to say this but you may have to let her go you have to think to yourself your girl has feelings for another man i know i could not live with that! but on the other side of the coin ask her why she has feelings for him is it physical? or does she like some of the things he has done? and the biggy will she not talk or see him? obviously you cant force her and you shouldn't she will have to come to that decision herself. i hope you work things out and remain together these sort of things are a shame!
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