A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts n uncles, I have been with my fiancée for three years now, shes 23 im 26. The other night I told her that I was going to Bath in Somerset to maintain some equipment for a few nights and I said that I would like to be in my own bed when I get back, she was ok with this. I said that she could come over for dinner if she still wanted to see me.I live in East Essex with mum n dad, she lives with hers, we plan to get a place together soon.I got home after waking up at my hotel early, doing a full days work at a customers site untill about 3, then have to drive home in heavy traffic for another 4. Got home finally at 7 absolutely exhausted having skipped stopping at services to cook her dinner, and give her a gift to cheer her up after not seeing me for a few days. All was ok till she decided to go home. She wanted me to come with her which is normal, what I found a bit out of character is that she got angry because I wanted my own bed and that I couldnt drive any further tonight. She screeched off in her own car and is ignoring me now. She gets to see me every night normally, these trips dont happen often either.The other thing I found weird, the other night after months of no sex shes suddenly asked for it once a night and promised it. I am still wondering why the sudden change. Im being placid and normal with her and not raising my voice or anything at her. I give her all of my attention and bring and make her gifts. Is she just being childish, is something else going ob? How do I fix this, I dont want her to strop because I need a goodnights rest, thoughts and feelings appreciated ladies and gents Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (21 February 2014):
 As per normal, new information brings a reevaluation of the advice previously given.
I have just enough time this morning to revamp my opinion. The fact that she has actively pursued a sexless relationship with you, Or rather, that she has actively and successfully reduced the sexual activity in your existing relationship to the point of sexlessness, is the telling point here. She doesn't like sex, it is an inconvenience for her, for whatever reason. On the other hand she likes having a boyfriend. When she realized that she was in danger of losing you, she offered you a seal. Not in words, but essentially the deal was this: I'll give you regular sex in exchange you will fulfill my emotional needs. When you told her you were going away for three days and that when you got back you would sleep alone, you broke the deal. You didn't fulfill your part of filling her needs. 4 nights of sleeping alone was too much. In a last ditch attempt to get you to fill her need she showed up and gave you what she thought you wanted most, sex. And you still turned her away. Yep she's upset. You are in breach of contract and she is half way to gone.
You are at a pivotal moment and before you make a move you better decide what it is you really want. Are you willing to accept a low drive limited sex marriage. I mean once a week or every other week. With your stance that sleep is more important than sex you may be willing to accept that long term. If that is the case then go to the negotiating table and spell out the new deal. She sounds like she may be worth it. If that is what you want then buy the flowers make the apologies and patch it up. If on the other hand that is not filling your needs, then you have two choices. Find someone who is more interested in sex, or acknowledge the existing deal, apologize for not filling your part and hope she will take you and the deal back.
There is way too much unspoken in your relationship and the first thing that needs to happen is for you two to sit down and talk it out. You are going to have to say some uncomfortable things, so is she. You will need to be alone enough to say those things. You resolved the whole sex thing without talking and this is the result of that incomplete understanding. Cindy is right this needs to be out in words so you both understand before you proceed with house and wedding plans.
FA
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 February 2014):
 I agree with CindyCares. It seems that she's afraid of you growing distant and is now suddenly picking up the pace.
In her mind, you saying you wanted your own bed may have been interpreted as you starting to grow distant. She knew you had asked to sleep in your own bed the night you got back, but apparently she was hoping otherwise. Apparently she was hoping you'd change your mind.
You didn't.
I think that's why she stormed off. She's pouting. She wanted you to miss her enough to sleep next to her. You aren't in the wrong. she's just being a tad sensitive at the moment. But I think k it's because she loves you and got her feelings hurt. classic woman saying one thing and expecting another.
Try bringing her flowers and reminding her how much you love her. Maybe she just needs to hear it.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): I replied last night but for some reason it wasn't posted.
Just to say that pregnancy was the first thing that sprung to my mind too..
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 February 2014):
 I think maybe she wants sex every night because she fear your interest is waning, ( and probably she thinks ot's waning precisely she knows she does not give you enough sexually ) and that is the way to rekindle the flame.
But why should she think the interest is waning ? ... I guess for the " sleeping inmy bed " episode.
Don't get me wrong, your request was absoultely normal, sensible reasonable and I do believe that you were really tired.
But, sensible and reasonable is not the same as romantic and passionate, and , if you see it through her eyes.. she just had been missing you and she just wanted to sleep beside you and hold on to the comfort of your warm body beside her . No sex or conversation required , I bet she would have been happy even if you had been snoring like a hog. She wanted the intimacuy of sleeping in the same bed after a separation for what is just a few days , so no big deal for us but big deal for her who is used to see you every day. She hoped that you wanted that too and was disappointed that you put first practical considerations. As for the distance and driving again... well, I guess it depends where she lives, but, frankly, at 26-29 is it even possible that 4 hours of driving make you absolutely beat up and exhausted... ? So much tht you really could not drive, say, another half hour ? After having rested and eaten dinner ?....you did not, alr I bet that some Fridays you have gone out after work... and stayed up with pals till 5 or 6 a.m., - and you weren't too tired for that. So, it was inconveninet but it was still possible.
Therefore, I guess she feels like you did not want to make the effort for her ( not that you did not have your good reasons for that, and not that she is right in feeling this way ) . She wonders why... and probbaly she gave herself the wrong answer, hence the attempts to rev up a passion that she fears is flagging.
Anyway, whatever the cause this is just a little misunderstanding, a little lovers' tiff, it will go away on his own pretty qquickly. What I'd be more concerned if I were you is your unsatisfying sex life, and her lack of sexual enthusiasm, this is something that should be addressed and talked about, before you get married or buy a house together, not after.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): Op here, She got sex when I got back, shes not one for sex normally and it jas been me pestering her for it. She just lays there doing nothing during sex, I try to be spontaneous by going down little alley ways and trying it on, or sexy outfits, different lubed and food, but she just doesn't do it anymore - she used to be great at the start of our relashionship in that sense, she whined that I was too big for her and the sex slowly stopped as she dug her heels in saying that shes too tired or im too big. I bought a book of positions to try for people who are too big, she wont try them.Apart from that and tonight the relationship has been fantastic, shes a wonderful womam whos careing and funny, we have fun together. For her birthday I took her to uave a picnic on the white cliffs of Dover. We went for a walk along the seafront and made a sandcastle together. I tale her shopping and even cook for her. She just wanted me to stay at hers so that she can cuddle me during the night, she got to cuddle me a lot during the evening before she stormed off. She is on birth control, but ill ask her if shes taken a test recently.The reason we aren't living in our own space is because we havent been able to afford it, both of us are on low wages. We have managed to save 7k for a house, but we need 10k to get a mortgage house and flat prices here start at 90k, we plan to move out close to our wedding next year.I dont have any inkling that she would be cheating, she normally doesn't have the time, shes a child carer during tje day from 9-6. She gives me the impression shes head over heels for me. Hmm ill take in your advice so far and bear it in mind :)
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (21 February 2014):
Hmmm yep that could cause all that
fa
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 February 2014):
 My uninformed and unqualified and unreliable guess is that she's pregnant.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (21 February 2014):
CMMP,
Me too. The no sex question is way bigger than getting upset over not getting her way. 3 years together and now engaged but not living together. Both living at parents. I'm having some trouble defining the relationship.
O K, To the OP,
Your most important questions are Is something else going on? and How do I fix it? First is there something else going on? There most certainly is. Your biggest mistake in this whole matter is thinking it is all about how much sleep you are going to get. That's about #7 on he list of importance. Just to give you some insight into the female mind Let me give you the top 3 or 5 (we'll see haw far I can get) #1 thought in her mind when you got home was How important am I to him? And I'm sorry to say you gave the wrong answer on that one. #2 He said that sex was important in the relationship, was that true or is it just a nice side benefit. Looks like you gave her the wrong answer on that one too. #3 Am I attractive. Guess what. wrong answer again. Now don't think I'm being mean, I know you were under the influence of sleep deprivation and traffic. I expect a young person to make some mistakes. I also expect her to get what you were trying to say all wrong. OK lets try for #4 I'm lonely. You responded to that one o k. #5 I'm sexually hungry. I'm pretty opinionated on this one. And from what I have seen I might be in the minority, but I'm horney trumps your tired every time. In fact I have declared right out loud to my wife and the world that I would never again marry a person who thought sleep was more important than sex. I see that you do think that and it worries me but I know there are many who see it your way.
Now that you see what was going on in her head let's discuss your plan. You are a planner and you just hate it when your plan doesn't get followed. You planned to work hard and rest hard then return to your relationship. Your plan put the relationship on hold and that really made her mad. You planned for that by bringing a gift and cooking. The trouble here is that was not the evidence she needed. I suspect a love language gap. In other words you say I love you with gifts and service. She hears I love you with time and sex. What I am saying is you could have got more sleep by giving her a quicky and a promise of more in the morning instead of the meal. The trouble is you just aren't communicating your needs to each other. You don't know what she needs she doesn't know what you need.
How to fix it. Stop being so rigid about your plans. Most women (yours apparently) like spontaneity. Oxymoronically the best way to be spontaneous is to plan for it. Have a back up plan. Being a gift giver you are probably thinking What can I give her to make her happy with me again. First put your wallet back in your pocket. this is going to be the most difficult gift you have ever given her. You need to apologize and offer her what she wanted. She wants to fall asleep with you and wake up with you. On the off Chance I am wrong, you had better find out what it was she wanted.
o k I could go on all night and I'm sure there is much more to this whole debacle. You think about this and see if we can get you back on track.
FA
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A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (21 February 2014):
I find it odd to go months without sex and then all of a sudden wanting it every night.Who does the instigating?Maybe she's feeling insecure all of a sudden about your commitment to her.Have you got a low sex drive or something?There's something out of place here.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 February 2014):
First of all, I'd address the no sex thing unless that's okay with you. Because if you're not having sex very often before marriage you'll likely not be having any sex at all after a couple years of marriage.
I'd normally say she's just being a little needy, but because she's all of a sudden wanting sex all the time that's a little odd. Is there any possibility she had been cheating on you during the no sex period and maybe that ended so she is wanting more intimacy with you now (sexual and non-sexual), possibly to help get over the other guy?
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