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male
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*hauncullen
writes: my fiancee is upset and getting on me all the time about my child from aprevious relationship, we both agreed to go throughthe courts for access to my child but she just hates the idea of some one else mothering my child, and its all my fault why dont i understand this?
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female
reader, nadine hillside +, writes (27 May 2006):
 Dear Reader,
There is no need to worry everything will turn out fine. It seems to me that your family is going through a rough patch at the moment and nothing will seem clear to you and you may find that you can't get any answers but in time everything will unravel and soon will be back to normal and you will find youself not worrying about the birthmother not seeing her child. BUT you have to make sure that when the child is older it understands everthing that is going on and it knows who it's real birthmother is.
Hope everything works out. Good luck.
Nadine
xXx xxx
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (16 April 2006):
 I am not sure if it is your current g/f who is upset that your ex is mothering your child or the other way round from what one of the other agony aunts has said.
The way I read your question though is that your g/f or fiancee has a problem with your ex? If this is the case then I'm afraid she needs to deal with it as when she got together with you she knew you had a child with an ex partner. You are doing the right thing to have access to your child and that is the most important thing here.
I think the fact that you will always need to liaise with your ex for access/visitation times with your ex is the thing that is worrying your fiancee.
Your not to blame in this and the arguments that your g/f is causing right now cannot be easy to deal with on top of all the court things going on.
It is a fact that you fathered your child with another woman and she has every right to keep that child with her unless she is a bad and unfit mother. If she is not then there should not be a problem here. You are likely to have a child with your fiancee in the future and your first child should always remain an important part of your life no matter how little your access is and your g/f needs to understand this.
She is stomping her feet as she is feeling insecure but she needs to know how much emotional pain this is causing you, if she does not then you need to tell her. If she won't stop then you need to ask yourself is she truly with me for the right reasons as if you love someone you don't add more stress on their shoulders.
I broke up with my ex last June and we have a 5 year old daughter together and we also work together every day so my daughter sees her daddy more than most and we have alternate weekends with her. In a lot of ways I wish we didn't work together but it's something we deal with and we have to make compromises sometimes.
Above all else though, when we split up after almost 20 years the most important thing in our lives was our child's welfare and maintaining a good balance for her and not allowing her to see any hostility or frustrations. Your current fiancee needs to appreciate this as children pick up on atmospheres and she is not being fair to you or your child so she needs to back off and let the courts do their job first of all. She is not important right now but your child is.
Sorry if I sound harsh but you have to be when there are breakups and new partners are not the most important things in your life. I have made sure that I am not with someone new at the moment and I have given myself almost a year. If I meet the man of my dreams who I think I have found but will not pursue right now, I would never force the situation on my daughter as it would be hard for her.
Children need to have gradual introductions and when they see their mummy's and daddy's happy and getting on that is what matters to them.
Good luck and try to stay calm, positive and strong. Things will get better honest. You need support from your girlfriend right now not hassle or arguments.
BFN
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (15 April 2006):
 Hi there
There could be several reasons why you are having problems with your fiancee. You see very often some people cannot handle their partners past if it involves them having been with another individual. They get to feeling insecure and uncertain - this is a problem that they have and is not something that you can sort out, you can only help them deal with it.
Your child is evidenc of you ahving a past with another person in a big way. But I would suggest this, your child must always come first regardless of how this makes your current partner feel. Children are innocent of the emotions and feelings that they may stir up in others.
Offer your current partner your support and tell her you will help her conquer her insecurity and that you are not about to go running off back to your ex just cos you ahve a kid with her. Help her to realise the joy that children can bring even if they are not biologically ours.
I commend you for gaining leagl access to your child and I hope that in the furture your child realises what a great Daddy he/she has got.
Keep us posted and I wish you all the luck in the world hun!!
xx
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A
female
reader, Phoebe Halliwell +, writes (15 April 2006):
 Hi Shaun,
So let me get this right, your past partner is getting on at you because she doesn't want anyone else mothering her child right?
This is perfectly plain and simple. As the childs' mother, your past partner (the childs' mother) doesn't want anyone else mothering her child because there is a maternal bond there. Between mother and child. Also, if this is a young child, it'll grow up to know your new partner as "mummy" which will be pretty devastating to the childs' actual mother. Knowing that another woman is raising her child. It's basically like her child has been stolen from her.
Your fiancee probably has a problem with this too because she may not actually want children this early in the Relationship. She may feel rushed. And because she's not the childs' birthmother, the maternal bond isn't there.
Understandable?
Congratulations with your marriage and I hope all goes well!
All the best and Blessed Be!
Phoebe
xxx
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