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male
,
anonymous
writes: God I'm really worried about the realtionship between me and my girl. I'm a 17 year old virgin and i'm getting worried my girlfriend is being alot closer than i would want just now. A couple of days ago she was round my house and we were just sort of mucking around. She's a really great person i really do love her but we haven't been together long and i haven't even snogged her yet! The thing is she came to sit down right next to me and hold my hand and i was thinking "this is it! Finally we're gunna kiss!" And i'm not ashamed to say it kinda gave me a boner. But i wasn't expecting what happened next when i leaned in to kiss her she unzipped the fly on my jeans and started to suck me. I was kinda scared and excited as nothing like thats ever happened to me before. Afterwards she left and i'm a little worried shes rushing things. I love her and i'm sure she loves me back but i thought she might of kissed me before she jumped ahead so quickly! I want to stay her boyfriend but i'm not sure after only 4 months we should be so close like that. What can id do to tell her to slow down without upsetting things? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2006): yea? what are u complaing about?
A
female
reader, lildani14 +, writes (19 April 2006):
 u should be happy u r getting this kind of attention from ur girl she must like u loads to do that for u xxx
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (16 April 2006):
 Tell her that you were a little shocked about what happened and that -- although it felt good -- it left you a little uncomfortable.
Be sure she knows that you're not *complaining*, exactly, but that you weren't comfortable with that level of intimacy so early in your relationship, and that you'd really be happier exploring kissing and so forth for now. (Speaking as a women, I have a sneaking suspicion that she'll actually be relieved to hear that.)
If your girl is about the same age as you, there's a chance that she did what she did because she thought it was "expected". She may have fallen prey to the Myth of TV Land (that is, that sex is pretty much assumed, and means about as much as a handshake between acquaintences), or she may have had a previous boyfriend who wanted oral sex more than he wanted to kiss and so she's learned to give it as a matter of course.
The important point is that, although you like this girl, she's moving too fast for your level of comfort, and you need to be sure she understands that, so you can slow things up a little. Otherwise, it's possible that your relationship with her will be a hollow one that consists of nothing but meaningless 'hooking up'.
Not that I think there's anything wrong with a sexual relationship when you're both ready for it, but from your letter it sounds like you're not... yet.
This is the same advice that I'd give if the sex roles were reversed, by the way. If you were a girl whose boyfriend had gone farther than she was ready for, then I'd still be saying you need to explain -- in no uncertain terms -- that you're uncomfortable with sexual contact this soon.
You don't have to be confronting about it, (in fact, I think you can tell her this very gently) but I really think you should explain that you want to stick to kissing for a while, and that, when you feel ready for sexual contact, she'll definitely be the first to know.
Hope this helps.
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