A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, the situation is as follows. i have been with my fiance for going on 4 years now, and i truly from the bottom of my heart, not a doubt in my mind, love him. i am totally prepared to spend the rest of my life with him, no questions asked. but theres a problem. we broke up for a while right after the engagement, and i started sleeping with a friend that i have known for 7 years. as was expected, i started developing feelings for this person also. and eventually ended up falling for him too! but, i know why i have such strong feelings about the new love interest.... he... is... phenomenal in the sack. i mean, wow. and the sex with my current fiance has went from amazing, to snoozeville. i can't even think of touching him without my new love interests face flashing in my head, and i visit him almost every day to get a little action, because when i'm engaged "in the act", i literally forget everything about my life, and just focus on the pleasure. this affair has been going on for a year now, and i fear i may be pregnant also. abortion is absolutely out of the question, so should i go with the new love interest and start a family? or stay with the man that i know i love more than anything, and confess everything and hope for the best? please help me, i'm not a bad person, i just don't want to hurt anyone more than i already have!ps- my fiance found out about the affair a few months ago, and has caught us 1 other time since then, and now he fully believes that nothing is going on between us. what do i do?
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abortion, affair, be pregnant, broke up, engaged, fiance, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 March 2008):
 You get opinions and suggestions from people here to help you reach your own answers. I think you're overreacting a bit to the posts from people who have a lot of life experience and are trying to help you do some rational thinking.
The only one who used the word 'slut' was you. I am curious too why you didn't answer rcn's question -- could there be more going on with you?
You seem to me to be to be caught in a trap of your own making. Thinking with the wrong head, so to speak, and you don't know what to do. And being pregnant would certainly complicate things.
I wonder how your fiancée would react if he knew the whole truth, which, frankly if you're pregnant by another man, he deserves to know. What kind of post would he write if he were to come to dearcupid?
You have been acting irresponsibly if you're having sex with another man with insufficient barrier protection. By having sex with another man you are exposing your fiancée to whatever STDs this man and his previous/current sex partners may have. This is selfish behavior, no matter how shy you might be.
You must take a long, impartial, unemotional look at your behavior and the impact it has on other people, practice some honesty and be willing to suffer the consequences of the choices you've made. It's part of growing up and becoming a fully rounded human being with empathy for others.
Sorry this isn't a sweet nice post but you do need to hear the truth, even if you're not yet willing to listen to it.
I do wish you good luck with your choice.
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (5 March 2008):
 Hang on a mo, you are cheating on someone 7 days a week, for the last year, and no one said you were a slut. Merely selfish.
I can see why you're possibly doing it to him now. You dont see anything wrong with it, apart from you dont know which one to choose. Its been going on a year. Sorry. It doesn't sound like you were in a hurry to choose before now. Most people will only give honest opinions on here if they are asked for an opinion. If you want people to tell you who to choose, you're going to have a long wait. All i said was let the poor long term bloke go if you have even a little respect for him, whilst you decide. He wont thank you when he finds out.
C xxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni didnt come on here for criticism, i came for answers. the only person who provided any help at all was the male reader. and i thank you for that. everyone else is making me out to be a slut! i am not a slut, i assure you i am a very shy girl, and i don't just "give it out" to anyone. i have real feelings for this other guy! thats why i have the dilemma in the first place. all this post did was make me cry. everyone else, you were no help at all.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (5 March 2008):
Hi
Do you really believe he thinks there's nothing going on? Hmmm. Well, sex wont make a good partner. But that might not become apparent to you for some years yet. If i was in your shoes, i would end it with the fiance, let him meet someone that knows what they want and wont treat him with such little respect. Poor guy.
Then have some more fun with the new guy. Your still young.
You're not a bad person but, well, who am i kidding. The way you are treating your fiance doesnt make you a nice one put it that way. Sorry people do a bit too much sugar coating on here. At the least you're being selfish.
Hope you see sense and work it out.
C xxxxx
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (5 March 2008):
 First, you're going to have to come clean. That's a must. You can't enter into a marriage with deceit.
you're right, your not a bad person, just making poor choices.
The other poster is absolutely right. You really don't know what you want. Until you do, you'll be lost. You say you love your fiance? Let me ask you this. Where in that love do you feel he deserves to be cheated on? Let me ask this a different way. Over 70% of men who are cheated on, especially when catching their partner, receive the same level of trauma as a female rape victim. So how much of that does he deserve?
I'll tell you this. Until you know who you are and what you want, you WILL NOT be able to have a completely satisfying relationship.
I am also worried a bit, now focusing on you, why it is you need the little bit of action every day. The way you explain it, almost seems as an abnormal coping method, or a real overactive sex drive.
I have one question for you. With this question I'm not trying to pry, and if I'm wrong, that's fine. I'm not trying to be right, nor am I trying to say something happened in a false manner. Have you at any time been sexually assaulted or molested? I only ask this because working with psychological trauma, and the link between it and sexual misbehaviors.
I hope this helps you. Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): You need to get yourself sorted and stop playing dangerous games with others lives, including your own.
There is no age or time when this behaviour is acceptable and you can find what ever excuses you want to justify why you can't just start being a little more honest.
You won't find the answer to this situation until you find out who you are, what you want and what secrets you able to live with.
That is what you should be worrying about, how could you and be okay with yourself enough to continue?
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