A
male
age
41-50,
*r. Dutch
writes:hello,I wonder how common this is: my fiance will not sleep with me in our bedroom, and has not for 7 months. she prefers the couch.i do not like this at all. we used to snuggle and fall asleep in eachothers arms everynight.i have made my feelings clear about this. i have asked her and tried to understand why she is doing this. she only says the couch is more comfy. she says it is not me or personal. i disagree.i have even told her i did not commit to marry her so we can sleep in separate rooms for the rest of our lives.she only gets irritated when i bring the subject up and i do so in a calm manner.we are having a difference of opinion on a sexual issue, however both of us realize that is not it at all.i am not sleeping with the woman i love, i want to and she does not, this is her choice and i will not live my life like this. by the way i do not snore or have some really annoying sleep pattern. what should i do? why is she doing this?
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male
reader, Mr. Dutch +, writes (10 August 2009):
Mr. Dutch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for the responses everyone.
A
male
reader, Mr. Dutch +, writes (7 August 2009):
Mr. Dutch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell q1605 nice comments!
So anyways as i had said and in my other question that this subject of swallowing actually is not "degrading" not a "thrill" to degrade etc.... simply know what i like and would enjoy getting it. I have never forced it. I have no problem doing it and sharing a nice messy kiss either. No biggy.
To this question at hand:
I have since discussed this sleeping arrangement again and now she says she can't sleep without any background noise. I offered to bring in a t.v. or something else in the bedroom and it was a no go.
I am not trying to force this, she is aware its upsetting for me and she continues to do her own thing. She does love snuggle time and as for her thinking i want snuggles and swallows in bed, we both know that is not it.
Whenever she gets up and comes into the bedroom (usually 8 or 9am) she wakes me. I work nights and at times if she wakes me i may have gotten a couple hours sleep. Well she comes in gets close and snuggly and then tells me a list of what she wants me to do that day. Really annoying!
The other day i got to bed at 6am and she came in the room at 7:30am and woke me to say "can you turn the sprinkler on please, watering time started at 7am and we missed 30 minutes already" I was so mad. She was already awake, she only had to walk 15 feet and turn a tap on and she thought to wake me cause she couldn't handle it!! I told her don't do that again and she flipped out and cried!!!
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (6 August 2009):
 Hello Mr Dutch.
As I took the time to read both your questions, I have to state in no uncertain terms, that the issue is unquestionably the sexual one.
You want her to swallow your semen. She refuses. Hmmm.
All the things you have done for her are brilliant, especially the substance abuse. But sex is all about love and pleasure, not about power. You have made your sex life a power struggle. She is merely digging her heels in.
You can argue all day about holding doors, paying her bills, and going down on her. She thinks you do all these things to attempt to make her feel obligated, when you should do them because you love HER.
She thinks you hold doors, because you want her to swallow, you pay the bills because you want her to swallow, you go down on her because you want her to swallow. Don't force her. When she is ready, if at all, she will do it again. The more pressure you put on her, the less she wants to.
Now she thinks you want her to come to bed to snuggle up and swallow.
It is unrealistic to seek counselling for her because she wont swallow. You should base a good relationship on many factors, not on a blow job result.
I am not surprised that she sleeps on the couch. You are prepared to leave her, and undo all the great work you did just because she won't swallow? Well you don't love her do you. If this is a 'dealbreaker' for you, then you need a new fiance, and possibly a new attitude.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (6 August 2009):
 You shouldn't marry until you resolve this issue. As you have moved in together, you should get counseling like any married couple would do if they were having problems.
You have seen the writing on the wall, and until you get to the bottom of this, you would be foolish to marry and condemn your children to a loveless marriage. Make sure that you are using condoms and a second form of birth control until you resolve this issue, in case you do have sex again, as you wouldn't want to have any decisions made for you by someone who is not explaining their lack of love for you - even when they claim too.
Sex is a huge bond in a couple, and it can actually be the glue that can hold you together as you go through life, and all it's ups and downs. For men, particularly, it is a way of saying "I love you". If that one thing is missing, you may as well be just another friend or family member.
Obviously, the problem lies somewhere with her and whatever issue she has, but you need to get to the bottom of this issue before you decide to spend the rest of your life with her.
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A
female
reader, Renee okc  +, writes (6 August 2009):
who knows maybe it has nothing to do with you maybe she sleeps better on the couch and sleep is very important. Then again maybe you are getting on her nerves who really knows but she can't expect you to sleep alone, Hell if you wanted to sleep alone you would be single. All you can do is ask one more time why she doesn't want to sleep with you, could she be having an affair and this makes her not want to connect with you. Give her one more chance to let you know what is going on and if you cant get to the bottom of this then you may have to move on period. It could be a possibility that your relationship has ran its course. Good Luck
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