A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a CNA working overtime constantly to keep my mind occupied while my fiance has been in the Army. I've been working towards my nursing degree when I got the worst news any young woman whose man is in the military could get. Its been a month since my world stopped turning and I still feel completely betrayed by his death. How could he leave me like thus? We planned our whole lives together. I get the usual sad face, I'm so sorry spiel from everyone we know. The hardest part was knowing he was going to be home next week you're another year. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I literally have no idea how to go on, though. That man was my life and now I'm a half again. What do I do? I can't keep crying like this and barely eating. The only things not suffering are my work performance and my grades because i've thrown myself into it all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2012): I don't know you and we will never meet, but I want you to know that you are strong an that it is okay to grieve. \you will make it though, life wont be the same but it will be good. Keep your head up and your heart strong.
A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (14 July 2012):
 Wow I can't imagine what you must be going through. I think you are amazingly strong to be able to keep going after such a big shock, and throwing yourself into your work.
I just want to say to you, that you say "that man was my life and now I'm a half again" and I know you mean that and it must feel like that. But I think it's important to remember that although he is gone, you are still alive. It must feel like there is a big empty space in your life, but you are not half a person because he is gone. You are still very important and special and a whole person, and you deserve to be happy and live a full life.
I am sorry if I seem insensitive. I do not mean in any way to diminish how massive the loss of your fiance is and how many extreme and almost unbearable emotions you must, naturally be going through. I just want you to remember that you will get through this and you will come out the other side and be able to cope and enjoy life again. Then once that passes you will be able to move forward and live the life of your dreams again. No matter how hard it is, please remember you are strong and you will come through the other side of this terrible time.
I think what you are doing by throwing yourself into your work is a very positive step. It sounds to me though, that you feel quite alone with what you are going through. You say everyone gives you the same sad face and sorry speil. It would be helpful for you to have some kind of emotional support. Could you perhaps find a bereavement counsellor or a group for the bereaved. I've found this website, it might be of some help http://www.goldstarwives.org/resources-military-family.htm
I wish you all the best in this difficult time, and hope you find the help and support you need.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (14 July 2012):
You are probably feeling all kinds of emotions right now: anger that this has happened, sadness, fear for the future, all kinds of things. That’s what grief does. Unfortunately it can also be a very lonely experience to go through, because although people are well meaning with their sympathy, it all seems so hollow, and you wonder how they could possibly understand how you’re feeling. The truth is that they can’t get inside your head, but they do care about you and are sad and sorry that you’ve experienced something so terrible. There is no harm in throwing yourself in to your work if that’s the thing that allows you to get up in the morning and get through the day, but you really should not bottle up your emotions. You should talk to people about how you’re feeling: a counsellor, friends or family, just some-one you trust. This is no magic cure for your pain but if you can help those who love and care for you to understand how you feel they can support you and be there for you. Perhaps you could also look for groups of people who have experienced similar tragedies, have a look online for example to see what’s out there. It might help you to talk to others who understand what it’s like. Don’t be hard on yourself: it’s only been a month since your fiancé’s death, there’s no rules about how quickly you should be moving on and getting on with your life. Grief is a process, the end point of which is when you can accept what has happened and learn to live with it. For now, ask for as much help as you need from those who care about you, be generous with yourself in terms of the time you take out to work through your feelings and go through the grieving process, and consider whether meeting others who have experienced loss like this could help you.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 July 2012):
 You can contact MilitaryOneSource ( I'm pretty sure they can help you)
1-800-342-9647
You need grief counseling, honey.
What you feel IS normal. It just doesn't feel good.
My heart breaks for you and his family.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2012): Sorry to read about your loss. I'm not really good with these situations, as there's nothing anyone can say or do to reverse time.BUT, keep doing as you're doing with regards to work, its still as important as ever even though it might not feel like that sometimes, and you just throw yourself into it to keep you busy.Keeping busy is good to take your mind off things and give you a break for a while, but its also necessary to allow yourself to grieve. Part of that process is admitting and accepting what has happened, and don't feel bad for crying as its a natural part of the process. Don't feel hatred or betrayal because it wasn't his fault he left you, he was just doing his job, a job that he loved and also a job to support his family. You knew your fiance better than anyone on here did, and you know he wouldn't have left you unless it was ABSOLUTELY necessary and COULDN'T be helped. You know he loved you and still loves you, and as long as he's in your heart and memory he will live on with you.Also don't cut yourself off from friends and family, its good to talk, a problem shared is a problem halved. The worst thing you can do is lose focus at a time like this. You need to start to rebuild your life and there's no one better than your close family and friends to help you do that.And have you thought about bereavement counselling to offer you some additional support too? Sorry I can't be of more help, but someone else may have experience of the same situation who will be able to give you some first hand and better advice. I wish you all the best with this, stay strong and determined as that's what he would want, he wouldn't want you to go under like this. 3
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 July 2012):
 You need to get to a professional grief counselor and work this through. That's the only way to fix this.
I can't imagine your pain and the feelings you are having...
Your feelings of betrayal and anger are NORMAL so do not beat yourself up about that...
A great book to help you understand this would be Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's book "on death and dying"
a classic that everyone should read.
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A
female
reader, AbigailBradbury +, writes (14 July 2012):
 I can't say "I understand" and I'm not 'qualified' to give advice on this situation because I DON'T understand. I dread to think what you're going through. But I will be honest, and I will try to help.You need to find support from others around you right now; whether it be friends or family. They are the ones that will help and keep you going.It can't be easy, I have no idea what I would be like in your shoes, but you have to just get on. I know it sounds blunt and I don't mean it in a harsh way honey, but women all over the world go through what you go through and they find the strength to push on. Women are so strong. Hence why we give birth and not the men! You will find the strength. Just know that he loved you and that he would hate to see you like this. If he could see you I'm sure he'd feel guilty for leaving you but who are you helping by not eating and making yourself ill? You're not helping him, it wont bring him back and you're not helping you. You need to be strong right now :( Try looking at this website it might help http://americanwidowproject.org/stories/ finding and talking to other women in your position may serve as a comfort to you.Keep being strong, I'm sure you'll be okay. Just do it for him. xxx
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