A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:dear cupid,i am in trouble. my fiance wants to have sex every night, and if i don't feel like having sex he gets really mad and it makes me so unhappy. it's not that i don't love him because i am very much in love with him, but sometimes i am tired and i just want to lay down and go to sleep. i have also had so many failed relationships that focused solely on sex and i don't want this relationship to be that way. i don't desire anyone else and it's hard for him to accept this. please help me find a way to deal with this because i love him and i don't want to lose him.
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male
reader, BetterOffBlind +, writes (26 June 2007):
One last thing. Do you think that maybe he is just insecure? Does he need sex from you every night to assure himself that you find him attractive or really do want to be with him? You said yourself you didn't want to base the relationship on just sex and maybe because of that he feels you aren't really into him. I sense you both might be acting out on past insecurities. Think very hard and if you go to church talk to your pastor before you marry this guy. I would hate to see it end in divorce. I hope you two are getting married because you have alot in common, respect and cherish one another. Good luck!
A
male
reader, BetterOffBlind +, writes (26 June 2007):
I need to add something. You said that you have had many failed marriages because you thought they were soley based on sex? Your marrying this man!!! Have you not yet figured our what your relationship is all about? Does not sound like you are ready to marry this man.
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A
male
reader, BetterOffBlind +, writes (26 June 2007):
I would take that as a compliment. A man who wants sex with you every night? :) Enjoy it while it lasts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2007): Your welcome, hun. But i need to add...You are engaged to be married. All love, committed relationships needs negotiation and compromise. This is a sign of respect which requires tolerance, understanding and unselfishness on the part of both partners. (it's not "I want, I need, what about poor me). If you don't feel he will not want to negotiate this sexual issue, then that may give you a clue about what your future may be like. Don't allow his feelings of anger and unhappiness to control you and to undermine the solidarity, intimacy and cooperative work needed by him and you, together, to sustain a healthy relationship. You are in my prayers, dear. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much irish49 for the beautiful answer you provided. it really helped me out alot. but i stil don't think he will negotiate with me concerning this matter. please keep me in your prayers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2007): I agree with the other Aunts. Please talk openly and lovingly with your fiancee and reach a compromise, dear. Perhaps not making love every night but agree on making love say.. every other night? Tell him his angry reaction is a choice on his part and it is very damaging to this relationship. Hun, sex isn’t the ultimate test of a loving relationship, but physical intimacy is a very important way to stay emotionally and lovingly connected with each other. Consider not thinking of it in terms as him being so focused. Sex is wonderful and great fun and good exercise! Realize that sex is natural and a normal aspect of every loving relationship. Your fiancee and you are in a vicious cycle that will get worse, over time. Your fiancee wants sex every night and you don't. (due to tiredness). So then your finacee chooses to react to your rejection with anger and hostility. Eventually, it will worsen and spill out in other areas of the relationship. He may stop spending less time, working late, ignoring you as punishment for the lack of sex. By spending less time with you, he'll be less inclined to share other loving facets of this relationship to keep it growing. This will upset you because the only time he will give you attention is when he wants sex. You will feel 'manipulated' and you will refuse him. And so the cycle of a relationship's destruction, begins. Please have that talk and reach a happy compromise. Both of you need to meet halfway on this.
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (25 June 2007):
 You have to work toward some balance. As long as you're regularly having some sex (2-4x/week?) then he needs to give you a rest. He should be able to take care of his own needs when you're too tired or simply not interested.
This will only get worse. If you can't come to some compromise where he's not feeling neglected and you're not feeling used, then you're going to have to separate.
I recommend pre-marital counseling.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (25 June 2007):
 I agree. If he married you only because he thought that it would mean constant sex, then a divorce looms in a horizon. You need to be with someone who's not going to throw a hissy fit when they have to respect your wishes. You deserve better.
DV1
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A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (25 June 2007):
 It's all about respect in a relationship and obviously he doesn't respect your wishes when you don't want to have sex.
I think you should find someone who deserves you hun, I know it's hard but leave him, I don't believe he cares for you enough and I think if you marry him, it will become a lot more difficult to separate from him should his actions keep heading this way.
Look after yourself xx
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