A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 24 and my fiance just turned 30. He lives at home with his parents, going to community college for the last 10 years now trying to get his bachelors, and has no work or real relationship experience. His 'income' comes from his parents by working around the house. (Which he maybe works 2-3 hours a day). He sleeps in late, and enjoys being lazy/procrastinating. Minus all the flaws, we fit each other perfectly. I'm just worried that it might not be enough. He tries, but I feel like our future is so far away and that we will never live together or progress. Its already been 3 years, is love enough? What can I do to help us get to where we want to be?I should also add we've been in a long distance relationship for almost a year, and it seems he keeps making the same mistakes, not just in school, but other aspects of our relationship. What can I do?
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ambition, fiance, lives at home, long distance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): This is the OP. Thank you all for your answers, I really do appreciate every one of them. I made this post because I got really upset when I found out he dropped all but 1 of his classes. He seems like he's really interested in computers, and enjoys programming (which is what he's going to school for.) I'm just scared he'll never get it done. I told him, he needs to start taking 4 classes and passing every one of them, and if he doesn't I'll leave, because I can't wait on him forever. I don't think he sees it as me 'waiting', because I'm still getting my degree myself. But I'm starting to hold resentment for him as much as I'm trying not to. I know I have to follow through with this because I just can't hold onto such negative feelings and still have a healthy relationship.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 April 2013):
 I have yet another thing to say that I forgot earlier. If you want to know how a man will treat you in the future, look at how he treats his family. This for me has always been correct, yet I have tried to deny it several times. Yet it is so true.
The way he treats his family is to live off them for free (he doesn't pay rent I suppose?), he doesn't contribute financially, and he expects them to pay him loads of money for doing nothing.
This is how he will treat you if you marry. He will stay at home, expecting you to give him money. He will not contribute financially, and he will not find a real job either because he's enjoying being at home. That is the kind of husband you will get.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 April 2013):
Say what? His parents pay him 20 bucks an hour to do "work around the house"? What exactly do you think this means? If he is supposed to study at the same time, my guess is that this "work around the house" is him sitting on the couch and occasionally doing the dishes. If he was actually working for this money, he'd not have time for studies.
I know the wages in the USA aren't that high, so 20 bucks an hour for a man with NO work experience is quite a bit. Why would he expect to get the same "payment" in a real job when he does not have the right qualifications?
This screams of immaturity and laziness.
I think that no matter how great of a match I would be to such a man, I couldn't possibly be in a relationship with him because I would have no respect for him. I don't think you are such a great match to him either, because you SEE the problem here. You know this is not normal, and that he is lazy, and that his parents are paying him pocket money. This isn't a real job. And he's not taking his studies seriously either. Otherwise he'd be done with them long time ago. I know people with learning disabilities who finished their masters degree in 5 years.. which is normal time. And here this guy is using 10 years to finish his bachelors? He's never going to be finished. Ever.
You might think he will change, that things will chance once he's done etc. But nooo... He'll procrastinate. He might be done in another 5 years (and not the 9 months it should take him). After that he'll stay at his parents and mooch for even longer, because he still wont find anyone willing to pay a high wage to a man with NO work experience. And rather then getting out and get real work experience, he stays at home... He has no ambition, and things will not get better, or change, at any point.
He's a grown man! Not just someone "growing up". He's already grown up, and this is the result. He wants to be a bread winner? Hah, a joke! Then he needs to go out and BE a bread winner, actually put in some effort, get his hands dirty, do the work. This future he speaks of is not a real plan, but an imagination. Something he says to make you stick around. Always look to ACTIONS before WORDS to know the truth about a man. Action speaks louder than words. He might say this and that, but look at what he actually does, and you will find your answer.
You can do better.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 April 2013):
 Yes , you are growing up too, but you are 24 not 30, hopefully haven't been spending the last 10 years " tryng " to get a BA in a community college , and who knows, maybe you have some previous work experience and nobody had to threaten you at gunpoint to make you go get it ? Plus, you don't know what you are going to do after school, because nobody has offered you a job yet, but, hopefully, once you have got your degree you won't live like your bf, you'll just go out there and SEEK for a job, send your curriculum around, line up job interviews, and if someone offers you a job, you'll grab it.
Your fiance' too, you say ? I doubt it. Why ? because the money he gets " working around the house " is the tactful way his parents have found to make him believe , and make themselves believe, and make people believe, that your bf is doing something more socially acceptable than just mooching off his family and getting an allowance like a 14 y.o. highschooler. It's a sort of a play, in which they all act as if. As if they could not easily find someone more qualified , and at a lesser price, to do the same " work around the house " your bf does. And as if any 30 y.o. guy with a bit of pride and a bit of backbone would not prefer working a real job SIX hour a day at 10 $ an hour, or TEN hours a day at 6 $ an hour, rather than getting his pin money from mom and dad.
No, love is not enough , and he is not going to change - in this, and in the other aspects of your relationship that you have glissed over , where he keeps screwing up.
Why should he change?, he does not have to, he is living among enablers- dad,mom, you. Nobody really wants him to grow up and act adult, nobody shows him how pathetic he is, nobody wants him to be a man and live like a man. Everybody apparently is happy with letting him live like a house pet, as long as he makes the effort to " talk " about his brilliant future. I am not saying he does not have a future, he surely does- the problem is that , at 30, he already has also a PAST- and he spent it all doing nothing !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): This is the OP. He still has another 3 semesters left til he graduates and we do talk about our future all the time. He want marriage and a family and to be the breadwinner but hasn't gotten past this phase of school and he knows he isn't going to find a job without a degree that pays as well as his parents do ($20 hr). I still have hope for him to grow up. I can't say much, I'm still growing up too and dont know what I'm gonna do after I graduate.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): If love was enough you wouldn't be feeling the way you do right now so no, love isn't enough. His laziness and lack of motivation and lack of responsibility and lack of work ethic are all part of his present character and personality. So if it bothers you (as it would many other women not just you) it actually means you are bothered by his personality which means you're not compatible. He might only be compatible with a woman who also has just as little goals and motivation in life then the two of them can just drift aimlessly through life together mooching off their parents and be perfectly happy together. But you are not that type of woman so I think this relationship has run its course. He will not make you a suitable life partner. Don't try to change him because you cannot and it is also wrong to be trying to change someone into who they are not. Just accept that you are too different and are incompatible and respectfully go separate ways. Maybe he will decide to change and maybe not.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 April 2013):
 NO OP LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. How will you feed your family, clothe your family and support your family with a man who will not work?
What will happen to your fiancé when his parents are gone? How will he support himself?
YOU can’t fix him or this situation.
You have been together 3 years and are LDR now for a year? Why are you LDR? When will it end?
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (5 April 2013):
 You are falling into a typical trap that I think many women your age make: you are assuming you can change your boyfriend. Sadly, if he is 30, lives at home, is making a meager earning and isn't truly striving to make a respectable living what makes you think he is going to change any time soon? Sadly, he has all the trappings of a loser.
Marriage isn't easy and most marriages end in divorce. Having a man who hasn't put his life together means that you are going to be supporting him. He'll likely loaf around in bed all day and occasionally make an effort, but you'll be trapped. Do you really want to bet your best years on a man who in 3 years hasn't lived up to your expectations? If he never changes one bit, how do you think you'll feel in another 5 years? What would you tell yourself now?
Marriage is about love -- yes, but it is also a business proposition. Your finances will be joined and whatever dreams you have for possessions and creatures comforts will be tied with his efforts. It sounds romantic "living on love" but in reality it sucks to drive a car you can't depend upon... and your boyfriend sounds a lot like that old car....
I think it is time for you to take stock of what YOU want out of the relationship. Sure you love your boyfriend, but is this really the life you dreamed for yourself? And how much longer do you want to invest in a dead-end?
Eddie
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 April 2013):
 What kind of "mistakes" is it that he keeps making? (when it comes to your relationship?
And honestly, if you are willing to live with this man-child then be prepared for him to not change much. He seemingly has no incentive to get off his ass and make anything of himself. If it's been taking him 10 years to get a bachelor's degree (took me 2 years) - I don't see him being a very ambitious fellow. And his ONLY source of income is working around the house for his parents? Seriously?
Have you two had a talk about the future?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2013): I'd be careful, there might be other aspects about him you still are not aware of because it is long distance.
I say this because it is unusual that his parents allow this to go on at his age. My boyfriend who I am dating now had a similar situation, was living at home with his mom when I met him, him being in his mid 30's. We weren't long distance, but I found it unusual that he lived at home. Came to find out later that his mom was very controlling and encouraged and enabled his pathetic lifestyle, sleeping a lot, little motivation, she did his laundry, cooked for him, charged him no rent and never lit a fire under his ass to move out and become independent, in fact she wanted him there for her own selfish reasons at the cost of him being a complete social anomaly.
He did work full time and was finishing college, which he did graduate, but in the meantime he saved no money, partied all the time with his buddies, and the down time he had that he could spend working on his career or finding his own place he would spend instead sleeping all day or drinking and blowing his paychecks with his buddies. This all went on right under his mom's nose. I think she liked that he did that, that way he would never leave. My parents would never allow that if by chance I had to move back home. They would be pushing me everyday to grow up and move out.
He eventually did move out and now we live together but it was because I lit a fire under his ass and told him I wouldn't tolerate his living situation. And his mom was LIVID. She didn't want her 36 year old baby to leave her, much less with another woman. She went around slandering me and defaming me. It's been awful and it's quite bizarre.
And even though we now live together, the same patterns that he was raised to have (in order to always keep him close to his mom), lazy, not ambitious, still sleeps too much, theyre still there. Some families are not right in the head and they reinforce certain attitudes in their children so that the child will always have to rely on them. This is purposeful and calculated on the part of the parents that they never taught their kid to manage on their own. If you think about it, it's pretty sick.
It's been a struggle and while I feel like Ive been a great influence on him and he's learned so much from me about living on his own, I often feel like I didn't sign up for this. I have to teach him EVERYTHING!
This might be similar for you. Is this something you want to deal with? I warn you because I wish someone had warned me.
You can encourage him to move out, give him pressure, an ultimatum, whatever, and he just might do it. Cool, right? But the chore may not end there. Then you may find yourself trying to reverse all the bad habits he's picked up and that have been reinforced his whole life (sleeping all day, lazy) , because his parents are F-ed up. It may be a never ending cycle, in addition to all your own affairs that you have to deal with on a daily basis, you may also find yourself constantly babysitting and mothering him to move his butt.
There are guys out there who had good parenting and are motivated and will compliment your life and bring a lot to the table and can carry their OWN weight, and not drag you into the role of a mother.
There is a lot for you to think about. I think you can do better and I think you deserve better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2013): You just described a "man-boy." What exactly how do you fit each other perfectly. He sounds like a future divorce, after a few years of anguish and frustration; with children to add even more complications.
I suggest you wait until he has managed to finish school, get a job, and you both can take care of each other. It isn't a matter of who makes the most money, it's important that he be able to contribute to the household and that he has reached the level of maturity that he can handle something as important as marriage.
You must be a sweet and giving person. You see the best in him, maybe some "buried" potential. If you do, push him to be a man before you make him your husband. Perhaps you can live together for a while, delay having children, and allow him time to fill in all the gaps.
You really don't have a future with things as they are. I don't think he is going to give up being at home with his parents very easily. He's used to people taking care of him.
It might be tough living with someone expecting him to take care of himself, and possibly a family. He hasn't had any practice.
You apparently see something under his arrested development. I hope you don't make any foolish mistakes.
Prepare to take his mother's place.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 April 2013):
Unfortunately this is just the way he is and you will be the breadwinner and he'll be the stay at home dad.
The truth is That laziness and procrastination are curable traits, but for most people its a life long condition. If you really want to be with him you need to start expecting more of him. Have him set short term goals that are both achievable and ambitious. If he consistently fails its time to give up and move on.
I mean, I'm not a very judgmental person but what you're describing is the life of a 20 year old mixed with a little bit of 15 year old.
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