A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Back in Nov. My fiance and I had some issues. We play an online game. The game is mostly populated by young teens. Well he started to spend alot of time in game with a girl who I found out was 15. He was spending so much time with her that he was beginning to ignore me and our other friends in game. I came home to find him on the phone with her once. I told him that was inappropriate and the he shouldn't do it again. That some one could get the wrong idea. I also found out that they were texting. Nothing bad or sexual, just normal texts. I still warned him. Come to find out that this girl claimed she was in love with him. I told him right then and there that this has to stop. He cant be friends with a 15 yr old girl that says shes in love with him. Hes 24 by the way. He said I was being was stupid and over reacting and that I didnt trust him. All I was doing was being logical and trying to keep him from potential disaster. Well we fought for a few days and we almost separated. In the end we didnt and they stopped talking. Things were better then ever, he was so loving and more cuddly and just all together better. Well a few weeks ago I noticed he had been looking for her on myspace. I had deleted her num out of his phone and deleted her myspace from his bookmarks. That made him extremely mad. He told me I had no right (which I admit I didnt and it was childish) he called me crazy and chose not to talk to me for a day. I told him I did it cause he shouldnt be talking to her and shes left him alone so he needs to leave her alone. Just so happens that a few days later she contacts him in game and now once again they are talking.We did talk about it some the other night. He noticed I was being 'mopey' as he put it. So he asked me what was wrong and wouldn't let up till I told him. So I said everything that I had been saying from the start and even phrased a few things better. He said he understands what I'm saying and he does see how he could have done things a bit better. Example being, when she said he was 'in love' with him he could have pushed her back some instead of still being right there all the time and ignoring it. He said he knew that she would eventually get over it and didn't see a problem with staying friends. He said that we would never see eye to eye on this whole thing but in the end we came to the agreement that he would never call her or talk to her on the phone. However he could remain friends with her and text her, because he sees texting as no different then talking on the comp. I did ask him however if I had asked him to have no contact would he have done it? He said yes he would have but things would not have been easy between us. Which is what I figured. I would never ask him to do something like that anyway. I was just curious. So I thought the issue was mostly resolved. Then I found something in his google history that I just dont know what to think about. He had googled the sentence 'I'm in love with a 16 year old'I never brought it up to him because he hates when I go through his comp. Though I did find it in on accident. I asked him if he was still in love with me. He said yes and the asked why I would ask him that. I just told him I had alot on my mind and I needed to know. I have been trying to think of why he would google that. My mom says maybe he was just looking at what other people were thinking and I shouldnt worry. That its probably just a crush and it will go away. She says I worry to much about the small stuff and its only gonna make things worse. In a way I think I may have caused him to think that he may be in love with her. I had asked him why he was so drawn to her. He said he didnt know. I said well maybe you should think about that. I guess he did and now I dont know what to do. This seems to just get worse and worse. When I think its all over and done with something else pops up. I dont know if I'm overreacting or if I'm compeleatly logical. I'm just so confused. So in the end I'm asking what you all think about the situation and what you think I should do. I love him and I do want to marry him and spend my life with him, but I dont know if I can...
View related questions:
crush, fiance, myspace, online game, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): If I was you I would worry.This is wrong in so many ways, you have NOT over reacted what your fiance is doing is unacceptable and if you let him think it is ok with you then darling I am afraid you will end up being hurt.Tell him it has to stop or it may end your relationship
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank you all that have answered so far. Everything thats been said is helpful. I still haven't talked to him about the whole google thing. I want to but I don't know how to bring it up. Hes been very good lately as far as loving and being just plain cute. I haven't seen any texts from her in a about a week or so. She's recently moved and for some reason she doesn't have internet and wont for a while so she hasn't been playing the game. I know I need to talk to him and get this whole thing cleared up before we go on with any wedding plans. I just don't want say something out of the blue. I think it will completely throw him off guard. My heads just a mess.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009): It shouldn't matter HOW you reacted. What he is doing is wrong and he's playing a very dangerous game. You can't think, "Oh well if I reacted differently, maybe he would stop talking to her." Sorry, that's not how these things work. This man is a narcissist and is getting off on the attention from a young girl. It's creepy, weird, and borderline illegal. You need to find a man who treats you like the amazing person you are. I don't think your fiance is him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009): Get out of this relationship, now. Run. It is in no way an appropriate relationship. This man is fooling himself if he really believes he and this girl should be "friends". The fact that he even tried to argue that they are "just friends" and that calling and texting a 15 year old is normal, is completely absurd. And that he's turning it around on you, trying to make you feel bad about calling him out is inexcusable. This man is not ready for marriage. And if you do get married, this type of behavior is going to continue. Clearly, he doesn't see anything wrong with it and is not interested in your feelings on the matter. One call from this girl's parents and your fiance's ass is in jail. The fact that he would even risk the idea of impropriety is mind blowing and shows that he cannot make adult, rational decisions. He did you a favor. Get out of there.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to thank you all for your responses. They really are helping and I appreciate it. Its nice to see that I'm not crazy and that this is a rational and logical reaction. SyferFire I think you made a good point. Maybe I should have reacted a bit different. I think I only went to the extremes because of her age and because I never really trusted her from the start. She is a very troubled girl. She lives with her grandparents because of issues with her moms bf or husband...I'm not to sure who he was/is. I just know he did some bad things. According to her anyway. Though she talks a bit to openly about sex and making sexual comments (not to my fiance...that I'm aware of. He claims shes never said anything like that to him) and so on that makes me think she could be lying. I dont think someone that was so abused at such a young age would be talking so openly about it and then to make the comments that she makes, it just seems off to me. But I could always be wrong.I did admit that I was wrong for deleting the things I did and I apologized and swore not to do anything like that again and I wont. I had a lapse in judgment. It happens.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009): ok. Online games ftl! lol
Lets see, what he is doing IS inappropriate, you are right. But you could be pushing young casanova further into the text embrace of this other girl with your reactions. Deleting numbers off of his phone and invading his myspace and other manners of intensity is not helping. And it just makes him want the forbidden thing MORE.
And I think to at least some extent, by treating it like such a big deal, you are making it this huge deal.
If you had laughed it off like she was the silly little girl that she is, going for YOUR man..just laughed it off like she was nothing, then this could have turned out different...But you treated her like a legitimate threat. You gave her too much respect.
I am on your side that talking to her on the phone is not appropriate. And generally on your side overall, but just keep in mind that the way you react to this may be deepening the problem.
Also... online games [mmorpg?] FTL :D
...............................
A
female
reader, sakura112 +, writes (11 April 2009):
First of all let me start by saying that length shouldn't be a problem at all when posting questions, its something we need to read before we even have the chance to offer advice otherwise we dont see the whole picture. I feel that you have every right to be doubtful and even suspicious of this situation. Sure its online and it seems harmless but things can always start that way and lead to bigger problems later. Your best bet is to give him an ultimatum he either has to stop this completely or end your relationship. Sure, you love him but he has to be honest with himself and you, does he really think his relationship with this girl is friendship and nothing more? this girl has stated she loves him! sure i see that it can be flattering but who says one day he won't get curious and go see her? trust is a key component in a marriage and if you doubt him now then its important to clear up this whole situation first before trying the knot.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009): You are not wrong. I would wait on marrying him. this first responder is taking up your him, but look at it from a female side. nothing will come of it. duh this guy can drive. so he can get to her if he chooses to. i think if there is a trust issue and your not married then it will be worse if you are. you should not have to buy his love as the first responder said. that is crazy you are not on a stupid computer talking to a young boy. your not doing the wrong he is. when are you suppose to get married. i think you are being a woman who loves a man and you deserve to ask questions especially ones like this. another thing. thanks for all that info in the question. i think it is hard sometimes to get the real picture of a situation without important details. he complained about the lenght but must not have been that long he read enough to respond. i don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I would be doing the same thing. maybe you two should sit down and talk without the computer and let him know this has got to stop completely or we can't be together. sometimes that usually lets them see that you mean what you say. a marriage want work if there are trust issues. and that is what you have here and you have a good reason to have them. no contact with this girl is the best. as long as you allow him to contact her it will be misery for you to live with him. you don't deserve a life like this. good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Discover me +, writes (11 April 2009):
Well first of all if he pissed u off enough it's illeagle. I mean if anything got too much. Btw your not over reacting he gas no bussness testing a 16 year old girl. My parents wld flip if they found out I was talking to a 24yr old. And keep intack of wat her says to her. You never no. It's pretty sick I'm sory. Just dnt let your gard dwn.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah I know my question is long but there was a lot to explain. As for showing him I love him...I am always buying him random stuff, leaving him cute notes, telling him I love him, saying cute things to him, and so on. So I doubt thats the issue. Thanks for your response though. I do appreciate it.
...............................
A
male
reader, jay12toes +, writes (11 April 2009):
 well first let me tell you that you probably wont get a lot of responses for your question due to its length. now on to my advice. you love him right? and he loves youright? then dont let things get in the way of that, you need to free your mind and stop freaking out. its pretty much imposible for anything to happen between them considering the age and probably the distance. not only that but he has limited his time with her for you. i was flirting with a girl once over the internet when i was in a relationship because she was always saying nice things about me, things i need to her but didnt hear enough from my girlfriend but nothing ever happend past that so if your really worried then go show your man the love hes not getting. say something nice, buy him a girf, take him out to dinner. show him you really care and dont talk a bout the girl to him.
...............................
|
