A
female
age
30-35,
*rittbrit1313
writes:we don't have sex alot, and i would like to but he always says no. but this morning i walked in on him masturbating and saw he does it every morning. He says he loves it when we have sex, but yet he still does this every morning... im really hurt and he is embarressed and i dont' know how to deal with it because it makes me feel like he doesn't want me or like me any more. what do you think? and what should i do?
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (6 March 2013):
His sex drive is obviously larger than yours, so to satisfy it he does it himself vs the alternative of doing it with other women.
Not sure what the problem is here save perhaps sexual incompatibility.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): I've read several responses regarding a man's habit to masturbate. Many female responders to this issue presume there is something "wrong" with a man who likes to masturbate. That may be true in a few cases. It's easier to pass on the blame and excuse yourself.There is nothing wrong with it. Nor is there anything wrong with women who like to masturbate. It's natural. If he prefers it to sex with his partner, why is it always "his" fault? Why does it mean he doesn't love you?Sometimes when couples have been together awhile, the sex becomes routine and predictable. Often the male is expected to be aggressive throughout the act of love-making; while the female partner simply lies there coy and submissive; showing very little reaction or response. On the other hand; let's face it, some guys are just lousy in bed and his partner has no problem showing how unimpressed she is.Thus; he pleases himself, and there are no complaints.Society puts a lot of pressure on men when it comes to sexual performance. We have to be macho and fearless. Males have to find ways to seduce the female; with very little responsibility placed on the female to be active in taking charge while having sex. Some guys can't endure the time it takes to bring some women to orgasm. It's over when he ejaculates, and he's ready to roll over and sleep. Sorry, just stating a fact. Some guys take too long and the woman gets tired of being a pin cushion. She's missing the latest episode of Dallas. Finish already!Okay. Women spend big bucks on makeup, beauty products,the gym, dieting, and sexy clothes. This is only preliminary and superficial, and just a way to create "attraction." It has nothing to do with performance in the act of having sex. The pressure and responsibility of getting and maintaining an erection is strictly on the male. Finding her G-spot is sometimes like finding a needle in a haystack. Especially when she doesn't know where it is herself. High expectations and little participation. This leads to frustration for everyone.So men try to suggest the things that he wants from his partner that helps him to get aroused before performing. Often the reaction is repulsion and disgust. I'm not talking about extremes and fetishes, I'm talking about things that are a little kinky and beyond the usual "missionary position." Experimentation leads to discovery!So we resort to our imaginations, keeping it short and simple. There is always a happy ending. You can complain about how it affects the sex-life; but the problem is two-sided. He may like it more frequently or less frequently than his partner. Then you need to talk and work it out. You're afraid to ask him, because you don't really want to know the answer.When you're not in the mood, what do you expect him to do when you haven't been for weeks? I know, sometimes you're tired. You've had the kids all day, pressures of home and work; and he's smelly and has a big old beer gut that turns you off. So he resorts to keeping himself satisfied, until you are both back in sync. The problem is when he gets caught doing it. Then you want to know how often he does it?NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! IT'S HIGHLY PERSONAL! Women who masturbate may not mind telling her girlfriend; but she isn't going to write in it lipstick on the bathroom mirror for her boyfriend or husband to read about. The little device is well-hidden. Yes,I know your little secrets. I've been told!Some guys don't want to ask their wives or girlfriends to do things that he feels may upset her. Even more disappointing, is being rejected by your own partner. People are afraid to tell each other what they like and don't like sexually. So it's all guess-work and missing the mark. Thus, he just gives up and loses interest. He turns to porn and masturbation. Call it excuses if you like, but people who maintain happy and continuous sex-lives are receptive and open to each other. They aim to please each other. Love keeps it well-fueled.Poor attitudes about sex that are the result of conservatism; and uncreative approaches to sex, only lead to boredom and disappointment. He's not going to let that stop him from getting off. It's a built-in survival tactic. If you can't please her, and she can't please you, please yourself. If you need it daily, and get it once a week, you fill in-between.There is an unknown percentage of perverts that manage to get themselves into relationships and scare the daylights out of their partners when they are finally discovered. My sympathies to females who didn't see the red flags. If he sat across the table from you at dinner, with his tongue hanging out and wringing his hands on the first date; don't date him a second time. If he insists you send him pics of you naked to his smartphone, but can't remember your name? I'm just citing a couple of clues. I think it's safe to say that masturbation may become more frequent out of sexual frustration. It's easy to blame it on the guy being a perv or a jerk. He's just nasty and disgusting. I'm not going to put "that" in my mouth and I'm not going to let him put it "there". Okay, then he will just have to imagine you doing it, or maybe his fantasy partner. It's mostly in his head. If he cheats, that's a whole different subject. Infidelity is never justified. If you don't appreciate whatyou have, you should let them go! I'm not making any justifications or creating excuses for men who are pigs and dogs who walk upright. I'm talking about average everyday guys.It doesn't have anything to do with not loving you. It may or may not be true that he isn't turned on by you. To put it simply; when sex becomes boring and routine, it becomes less frequent.Age, low testosterone level, stress, a partner's poor hygiene, unattractive weight-gain, bad breath, "small penis" anxiety, premature ejaculation, penile dysfunction, job pressures, and financial woes are all reasons that men may disappoint their mates in the bedroom. He finds it hard to perform and it's hard to turn him on. It's hard for him to talk about without getting a weird look or pity.Masturbation becomes his alternative to real sex because he may not be able to afford the "blue pill," or doesn't have the heart to tell her about any of the things listed above; because he fears she will see him as less of a man, or an A-hole. He also fears she'll tell all her friends and her mother (who hates him anyway). These are things some women understand, and many don't. The women who do, will have better sex-lives; because they don't spend time being pissed off and crying to their girlfriends. They read, attend seminars, rediscover their own bodies, and come up with solutions to save their relationships. They aren't afraid of the truth, know how to ask questions; then listen and learn from their mates. They aren't whining victims, they're pleased andand know how to please.Smart women get rid of men they know will never make them happy and find men (or a device) that will. There, I hope I've given someone out there food for thought. Sometimes you need to hear it from a man's point of view.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 March 2013):
 good points made by all.
Men have the highest testosterone level in the morning... many men wake with erections and the "well no need to waste it" attitude....
You say “we don’t have sex a lot” well define a lot….. do you mean daily or weekly or monthly?
If it’s weekly or more often I think that’s not that uncommon for couples that live together… if it’s less than weekly there may really be a problem.
Sometimes for men especially it’s easier to masturbate than it is to have sex. Also it may be a habit, if he’s used to starting and/or ending his day that way it may be just a habit….
What I think you need to do is TALK TO HIM about it. You are hurt and you need to tell him you are hurt and why you are hurt. YOU FEEL he does not want you, but that may not be what he feels…. You can’t make your feelings his. And the only way to know what’s going on and how he feels is to talk to him about it.
and btw when you talk to him do not say YOU make me feel. Men are very sensitive about their sexual performance (like sageoldguy pointed out) and YOU statements will not help
You can try "When you do this I FEEL this" He still may take it as criticism....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): Be patient and address the issue with him gently. You didn't say how old he is,or if you both were virgins when you met. I've learned a few things from personal experience on this subject.Many men are most sexually charged in the morning. You may need to synchronize your sex-life with when he is most-likely to be at the height of his arousal. In this case, he prefers getting off in the morning.Men who are new to sex or not used to having a regular sex partner find it hard to break old habits with regard to masturbation. Before he met you, he may have masturbated frequently when he wakes up. You don't have sex a lot, because he may need to switch modes from "self-gratification" to having "real sex." You also didn't mention if you "flipped out" when you caught him. Over-reaction will only make matters worse. If you screamed or went into a rage, you didn't do either of you any favors. Don't demand to know why he says no to sex. He'll just end the conversation without any explanation.Presuming he isn't gay or isn't ashamed of the size of his penis.If he doesn't have a lot of sexual experience, he may avoid sex out of performance anxiety. Fear he can't perform as well as you expect him to. You may be more experienced than he. If you are, that's nothing to be ashamed of. Some guys lie or exaggerate about their sexual prowess. They may be lousy in bed, and over-sell themselves. The problem is, it sucks when they can't live up to it.Many women presume all adult males are sexually experienced. When they find out that he isn't, their reaction isn't always very kind; or they are insensitive and cruel. Sometimes they are unconsciously critical, and don't realize how counter-productive their angry reaction may be. The worst thing to do is place blame on either of you. You are in a relationship, and have equal responsibility to please each other. He has to grow up and realize this.A man is most likely to be aroused by his mate when she is receptive, loving, and sensual. He may not always perform on demand, but he can certainly be heated up. Jumping to all sorts of conclusions will only create tension that will affect how you both respond to each other sexually.My guess is this guy hasn't had much experience with women sexually, and he hasn't matured beyond his adolescent stage in his sexual development. It's easier to get off quickly; than to have to please someone else. That's selfish. Be gentle, feel free to be the aggressor when having sex. Experiment with each other. Let him know what turns you on the most, and find out what you can do in the morning that will allow you both to enjoy each other before getting up for work. Wake him up with something sexy and playful. Tease him sexually; but don't be disappointed if things don't start out or end as expected. Stroke him before he wakes up in the morning. Use your imagination and be the initiator in sex. Sometimes that's all a guy may need from his woman.Don't act repulsed by a penis. If you do, don't expect to get it very often.Do not condescend or be critical of his sexual performance. If he isn't doing what you like, gently guide him along. Maybe he is fantasizing about something he is afraid to ask you for. He obviously has to fantasize; if he fears you will object, or have in the past. If you have given him a list of what you will not do; there is part of your problem.Communication is all you two need regarding the lack of sex. Don't expect him to give up masturbating. It's natural. You can both masturbate together or apart. You will have less anxiety about it; if you try to be more understanding and educate yourself about male-sexuality.He may need more education on how to please a woman.If you have hang-ups about masturbation, you'll never understand; and you'll only be judgmental and frustrated out of ignorance.You seem to be very sensitive and concerned about what you should do. You feel sexually unfulfilled or sexually frustrated. Choose a night when you are both home alone. Make a fine dinner, light some candles, dim the lights, pour some wine, play soft music, and sit down and talk about sex.Apologize if you think you over-reacted when you caught him pleasing himself. Calmly tell him how you felt. You were a little shocked, and that's okay. Let him know you need more attention and feel left out. Don't whine or complain. Keep the mood sensual and loving. Don't be bitchy or accusatory. You want to be included and improve your sex-life. Not delete it! If all reasonable efforts fail, consider ending the relationship. I'm optimistic that will not be necessary; if you are both in the same age-group. Don't pass up the option to find yourself a sex toy to compensate; until he decides to stop being selfish. Flip the coin!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): I agree something is wrong if he does it every day. Instead of wanting sex.talk to him about how it makes you feel. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 March 2013):
 "Babe, here's what's been bothering me. I love you and find you sexy and want to have sex with you every day! When I initiate, you turn me down. So finding out that you masturbate everyday has really hurt me. It makes me feel like you don't want me anymore. I want to find out what we can do to improve our sex life. Let's talk about what's going on."
And then LISTEN to him when he tells you what is going on for him.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 March 2013):
 I disagree strongly that it's harmless. He's habitual about it to the detriment of his sex life. I think you need to talk about it because masturbating instead of having sex is not healthy.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 March 2013):
The reason why guys like to masturbate is because, when we masturbate, we don't have to worry about whether or not we have met our G/F's lofty standards... and we don't have to worry about whether or not we are as good as her LAST lover... and we don't risk being rejected because she has a headache.... and we don't have to worry about whether or not the stars are in quite-the-ideal alignment for nik-nik... AND we've learned that we WON'T really go mad, or have out eyesight deteriorate until we are almost blind... or we won't grow hair on the palms of our hands....
Except for those details, there's no reason why we would do it.....
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, Glacier  +, writes (3 March 2013):
Why would you be hurt? Masturbation is perfectly acceptable during a relationship. Some even do it together.
You do have to ask him why he wants little sex with you.
You might want to ask him whether he's still attracted to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): It's just masturbation OP, nothing to do with sex.
The fact you don't have sex a lot is the real problem here and one which you need to discuss with him. But masturbation means nothing, I'm with my fiancée 7 years and we have a great sex life. I still masturbate most days too.
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