A
female
age
30-35,
*hasity44
writes:I have wrote on here before about my fiance being really into porn. we broke up twice over it last night was the third time! He don't have the internet on his phone no more cause he said he took it off so I could stop thinking he was doing it! So everything went dandy for a while but lately I have known he has been doing it once again! I told him I don't like porn it makes me feel like I'm not good enough but if he really wants it to just tell me and ill deal with it but instead he chooses to lie to me! Honesty and trust are very serious for me! And guess how he now looks at it? He does it at work on the computer somewhere where anyone could walk in and catch him, if his boss walked in he would get fired cause when your at work your supposed to be working not getting all hot and horny to that shit! I'm really angry. we have a 4 month old son together and all I want if for us to be one happy family! I do love him but he chooses those skanks over his family and always lying I don't know what to do anymore please anyone I need your help! Thank you to anyone who has any advice :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): Really, really??? Everyone here thinsk this is a big of a problem as being a drunk or cheating on their spouses or whatever. In our society, sexuality for and women are different (and i am generalizing here, but for the most part this is accurate). Men see sex as purly a physical thing, like needing a drink of water or having to yawn. there is little or no feeling involved. Women see sex as a spiritual and emotional thing and who you are with means something and love and romance are important. I dont mean to say that your husband is not into the romance part of it, but generally guys dont regard it as such.So when a guy looks at pornography he isnt saying 'oh i hate my wife or i have a porn addiction, or i cant be trusted.' It is the same to him as getting a sandwhich when he is hungry. As a female, you treat sex differently and so you see a real problem with this and cant understand why he is lying to you (someone on here said you may need to leave him because of this). Really he is just thinkng, 'well she doesnht like it, but come on, it isnt a big deal and i really love my wife so ill just say whatever she wants to hear so she feels better.' Look, just let it go. 90 percent of guys look at it and get off to it everyday. it isnt a problem, it doesnt mean he doesnt love you anymore. Just move one, it is no different a bad habit you have. What if he left you because you bute your nails and wont stop, then you lie about it when he cathes you. It is the same thing, to a guy, porn is the same thing as biting your nails.
A
female
reader, feelinbloo +, writes (5 March 2009):
They continually lie and break our trust.We love them and hate them at the same time because they lies about porn and keep hurting us--when caught they become either really pissed at us and turn the issue on to us, or they play the Im sorry, I fucked up again card poor me--f that!
I used to feel so safe and secure with my husband but now I feel betrayal and not a day goes by that his porn needs are obviously more important than my feelings and our marriage.
Leaving him would hurt and be tough but staying is too sometimes I feel so alone and wonder if maybe I'm a big prude who needs therapy to accept his porn desires..
..some one please help me before all my self esteem and confidence are ripped away!
thank you
bloo
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): If men like pornography, gambling, drinking, swearing or any other hobbies that women dislike they will lie about it when caught. As you've seen, you hate the pornography, you tell him to stop, he doesn't want to loose you, so he promises to give up. But he doesn't really see it as a problem, it's not an issue for him, it's an issue for you. To him the problem is your unrealistic demands, so he lies and hopes he won't get caught. You find out, and then the issue becomes the lies, not the pornography. Many, many people make this mistake. Instead of saying I like what I like, they lie and sneak and hide. Taking away the computer, dose not stop him from looking at pornography, as you noticed, he will look at it at work, or start buying video's or magazines instead.You have a young baby, you don't like pornography. This guy likes pornography and he will not stop. Either you learn to tolerate it, or you finish with him for good and try to find a man who is not so interested in porn.Some women do the same thing, but instead of lying about pornography, they lie about the amount of money they spend on shoes and clothes. To them it's not a problem, and if lies keep the relationship going, then they will lie. If a man ask them to stop their retail therapy and save instead of spending, many of these women will be forced like you to end the relationship and find somebody more generous with their money. If it makes you unhappy, and he will not change then you can only change yourself or leave. you can't change people, you can only change yourself. Leave this guy, and don't believe him, because he will look at porn again and he will lie about this one issue because it upsets you. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (12 February 2009):
It sounds like he actually has a problem here rather than just likes it.
He's lying about this a lot, and he's risking his job.
You say you have broken up last night and I think you did the right thing. Stay broken up with him and leave him to it for a while.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (12 February 2009):
My God, what is this world coming to. This problem is becoming more and more rampant with each passing day.
I went through this with my own fiance. Though it's been almost a year since my discovery, I still wrestle with the repercussions. If he can't stop at your request, if he refuses to stop at your request, and most of all, if he continues to view porn and feels the need to lie about it and do it in secret...then I'd feel certain in saying he has an addiction to it. Some people do not like the term "sex addiction", so instead they refer to it as "intimacy disorder". Call it what you like, it's still the same in the end.
He's endangering his livlihood, his job, by viewing it at work, and chances are if his boss doesn't catch him, the IT Dept. at his company will. I've seen people get fired over this.
The only way to recover from this is for him to stop denying that it's a problem; he needs to acknowledge his behavior, and he needs to try to understand what it's doing to you. Then, he needs to take the necessary steps to stop the behavior. More than likely he will need professional counseling, and possibly a support group. You may need counseling too, to help you cope with all the negative emotions his behavior has caused. Together you will probably need some couples counseling sessions, to learn how to re-establish trust, and to learn how to mend your relationship. If he is unwilling to do any of this, then get out, for it will never change if he's at least not willing to try to change. It would indicate that he has no respect for you, your child, nor your relationship. And chances are his behavior will escalate to other negative behaviors - possibly prostitutes, possibly infidelity, if it hasn't already.
I was lied to at least 5 times about the porn. It wasn't that he was looking at porn - it was the fact that he felt he needed to lie to me about it. After the last 2 lies, I was told it would stop, and I was given promises that he would never ever do it again. I didn't ask for that the first 4 lies - I merely asked that he be truthful. By the 5th lie, I was so hurt and disgusted, that I was no longer okay with the porn in any way shape or form. I had had enough. By the 5th lie, I did expect a promise to leave it all behind, and I did expect him to keep his promise.
I don't believe that he's stopped. I have no proof of this - it's just a feeling. The psychological reasons behind his behavior and his lying are just too deep-rooted for him to be able to stop on his own, just like that, despite his best intentions. I don't know if he looks at it at work - he claims he can't, due to firewalls and blockers. He may be telling the truth, but it's difficult to believe someone who's lied right to your face time and time again, now isn't it? It takes a long long time to restore trust, once it's been broken repeatedly. I've resorted to taking my laptop with me if I know he'll be alone in the house, not only so that the temptation is not there for him, but moreso for my own peace of mind, and to relieve the great anxiety I feel whenever I'm not there and he is. He certainly is no longer permitted to go on the computer, unless he needs to do so to get work done at home. He has to ask my permission first, and I regularly check on-screen to see what's there. This is the way it has to be for now, b/c he has proven himself untrustworthy. I don't like babysitting him, but he has put me in that position. My next step is to get a pornblocker for my laptop, so that I don't have to haul it with me everytime I leave the house, and so I can put that worry out of my mind, at least in our home, anyway.
He works 45 minutes away at a secured location, so it's not as if I can just pop in and surprise him. I don't know what the hell he does all day. All I know is that our relationship lacks in emotional intimacy. He is not forthcoming with anything. He doesn't share much of anything with me. He is always guarded, reserved. He continues to try to hide who he really is from me. This is a strong indication that if his behavior has truly stopped, it will more than likely pick up again at some point. So, I am forced to be vigilant, as much as I can be on the home front. Is this any way to live? No, it is not. But if I'm going to stay with him, that is what I must do for now. I feel as though if I let my own guard down in terms of checking on his behavior, that that is when he will feel comfortable and start acting out again.
There are many other issues plaguing us, that all seem to involve "intimacy disorder" and lying. He has had issues with obsessive and compulsive masturbation, shoplifting (and lying to me about that too), and he admitted he intentionally has done things to sabotage our relationship and undermine my self-esteem (flirting with other women, inappropriately looking at other women, ignoring me when I needed him to notice me). There was question on my part whether or not he was cheating on me. Though I have no definitive proof, and he has what I will call "an excuse" for every single questionable circumstance possibly relating to cheating, how will I ever know for sure? I no longer trust the guy. The only possible saving grace is that he has agreed once again to start counseling, in an effort to fully recover from his "intimacy disorder", to stop lying, and to stop behaviors which sabotage our relationship. I am at a crossroads, for I don't know whether I should stay and try to help him overcome these issues, or if I should leave for my own sake. I've just today requested my local library order a book for me entitled, "Can Your Relationship Be Saved? How To Know Whether To Stay Or Go". It's supposed to be very good at helping you decide on your own which way to go, without swaying you one way or the other.
I don't know if you've seen any other behaviors in your fiance that disturb you or are distressing. Doesn't matter - this one all by itself is enough.
The pain, the hurt, the humiliation, the insult, the anger, the degradation, the damage to our self-esteem, and all the other negative emotions and repercussions caused by this deceitful, lying behavior are very difficult to overcome. The people that do this to us don't seem to understand at what level.
I would say give him an ultimatum to stop and to seek help. If he refuses, then I would say you have no choice but to do what you have to do for yourself and for your child too. That means get out and move on. If you let him get away with this, he will likely try to get away with other more serious behaviors as time goes on.
If you are not okay with porn, that is your right. You are entitled to your feelings, no matter where they stem from. It does not mean you are a prude. It does not mean you are insecure. It does not mean it's your fault that he is doing what he's doing. Take a stand for yourself and for your beliefs. Don't listen to others (both male and female) who will try to tell you "it's just what men do". Bulls**t! Doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. I've seen plenty of men on this very site who may want to look at porn, but don't out of respect for their partners and their relationship. There are also men here I've noticed who really do not like porn b/c they seem to understand and realize the negative effects of that on a relationship. They may be in the minority, but they are out there.
And don't think your only chances of having a happy family are with him. Don't think that no one else will want you if you are a single mom saddled with a baby. I had my youngest son on my own. I didn't think any man would want anything to do with me. Guess what - I was wrong. I had my first relationship after he was born when he was just a year old. That didn't work out b/c he was an alcoholic. Then I had a 2nd relationship when he was just 2 years old. That didn't work out b/c he was a recovering alcoholic who had no emotional depth to him! But you get my drift. You will meet other men, who will be attracted to you despite the fact you have a baby or a small child. You will date, and you may even be lucky enough to find a long-lasting relationship and create that happy family you so want.
My final thoughts are that I feel it is better to be alone than to be in an unhealthy relationship. We cannot live our lives thinking we will only be complete if we are in a relationship. That may be a goal of ours, but we must first learn how to be happy alone, and we must first learn how to be happy with ourselves. Only then can we hope to find a great and truly rewarding relationship, with someone who is on the same page as we are. If we are not happy with ourselves, then we are more likely to tolerate behaviors from our partners of which we are not deserving.
Good luck, and let us know how you are doing.
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