A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 7 weeks pregnant, living with my fiance who I have been with for 3 years but only lived with for the last 2 and half years. When we found out we were pregnant my fiance was beyond excited...I on the other hand am a ball of mixed emotions. Last night I was hanging out with an old friend who happens to be my fiances ex fiances best friend. Us girls got to talking and somehow drifted into the topic of the two of them and my old friend kinda blurted out that "T" (her best friend) had had a miscarriage with "J" (my fiance) and they dug the tissue out of the toilet, put it in a jar, and buried the fetus in my back yard where I live with my fiance right now. Then she processed to tell me T had HPV during this time period. My question is am I being a bitchy pregnant women getting weirded out by the fact that J never told me he has a fetus buried in our backyard after 3 years.. and for the fact that he told me this is his first pregnancy and was the first time he has gone through any of this..? He often yells at me and says shitty things like quit being an oinkers and I know I am not fat because I am a size 3 and 120lbs being 7 weeks pregnant with giant boobs I dont think that is bad. I feel hurt and slightly disappointed that he lied about having prior STD to me and my ob gyno, and lied about this being the first time he has gone through a pregnancy, do I have a right to feel this way?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere is so much background to this. It actually feels amazing to get out. You guys are amazing. Here is the background.J and I both are from a small town. I am talking population 3000. His mom and dad are both alcoholics, his dad is a recovering one, his mom still to this day I have never seen sober. Before I came along J had two DUI's to this day he still doesn't have his licenses. When I entered his life (he is 26 I am 22) he quit drinking. His friends hate me for that. I have never been nothing but great to his friends. His mom and his family. J and I have had problems because of his "friends" and his mother. But we have made it through most of it. His parents are divorced now his dad's side loves me because they know I have helped J become a better man. My background. I come from a family where my parents are still together. They work hard. They own their own business so J's mom tells him constantly that he will never be able to satisfy me. Although I am not money hungry. My parents aren't money hungry. If you saw any of us walking down the street you would never know they have any money. Anyone who knows anything about business's know it takes awhile to get profit and knows you are dirt poor before you have any extra cash. I was raised garage sale ing and stretching my pennies. The only thing when I was growing up my parents spent money on was gymnastics to make me more productive instead of partying and losing who I am in this small town. I would spend 26 hours a week in the gym. Due to all that his mom step dad and friends all think I took their drinking buddy away. Which I didn't it was J who stopped drinking with them. It was J that said enough is enough I want a better life. I am completely creeped out by the jar. If it wasn't for one of my best friends I wouldn't have ever known about it. I actually have been struggling really bad at being at home since I found out. Not to mention his mom this week was being a complete bitch to me and made me cry. She basically called me to bitch about J not going to her house for a get together. I didn't even know about the get together. They don't invite me. She typically invites J and he won't go because she is still buddy buddy with one of his ex's and it makes him feel awkward. I am secure with J when it comes to that. Mostly because I am friends with his ex coming from the same town. But I know how he feels. If my parents were still friends with my ex I wouldn't feel comfortable. Although my parents would never put me in that situation.Why do men always feel the need to blow things off like it is no big deal? I think I would be more creeped out if I was him about the jar since he tells me it isn't his. Which makes me believe it is his. So why must he still not tell me the truth? Does he not get I am not going to leave..I just want to know the truth. I want to understand what is going on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2012): why are his friends going to the trouble of telling you stuff you dont want to hear? Either they cant be great friends of his or they know hes a liar, sorry but thats what it seems. I dont know how he can live comfortably knowing there is a jar with that in the backyard, regardless of whose baby he thinks it is it is a seriously weird and creepy thing to do and to have out the back. animals yes but the remains of a miscarriage.... no. if I were you I would explain to him how you feel, I dont think it is your hormones at all, I would be furious if I were you. good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSee that is what gets me. Because I did sit him down awhile back because I had heard rumors about him and her having a baby together and I asked him about the miscarriage and he said it wasn't true.. That is what gets me is that I am paying my share of morgage, my share of the bills and I had no idea about the jar being buried back there. We have chickens, and dogs. Both of which dig things up. What would've happened if I would've came across this jar? Not to mention I have had to bury my cat of 14 years in that back yard due to the cat passing away. He never once mentioned to me I wouldve been mortified if I wouldve unburied a jar full of blood and tissue. And he knows my rule on sharing. He knows that I don't do well unless we have full communication because his "friends" are the type of people that are constantly telling me I will never have what him and T had. I will never mean as much to him as T did. Basically his friends hate me because I am not like them.. So they tell me things I dont wanna know about and he always has to straighten out their stories. I am more upset about the HPV thing.. To be real honest I can't even look at him at the moment. ugh
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2012): He didn't lie if he simply didn't tell you his ex had been pregnant. I mean, unless you flat out asked him "did you ever get your ex pregnant?" and he flat out answered "no", then I don't think you can say he has lied. And no I don't think you were entitled to know about this since this all happened BEFORE you and him were together.
However, since it's buried in your back yard, on your property which you are paying mortgage and taxes for, THEN I think on those grounds you have a right to know. That is also seriously creepy.
"I get it it's none of my business but I share everything. In my eyes sharing is getting over it. If you don't share it you aren't over it. "
But if you have never before explicitly told your boyfriend that you EXPECT him to share everything about his past with you, then you can't really hold it against him that he hasn't. you need to make your expectations clear up front before you get mad at him for violating them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI sat him down.. His story is his ex and him had split up for 8 months she moved straight out of another guys house into his house.. 3 weeks later says she is pregnant with my fiance's baby then moved out. Her mom and her showed up with the jar and demanded he bury it. I think I was more hurt about the STD thing... Which I just came back from my OB GYN and everything looks fine. I think what hurt is when I first got with my fiance we sat down and had heart to hearts about our pasts and such. I explained to him how my ex had cheated on me got an std and to be safe I had been checked several times. That was me basically telling him I am clean are you? I have been with him for 3 years so my doctor said I could have contracted it and it's dormit or I could have a strong immune system or J could not have ever gotten it from T. Since she had been living with another guy for awhile before moving back in with J. You guys are great! I am still freaked out about the jar.. although I guess everyone griefs in their own way. J told me he still to this day doesn't believe the baby was his.. Idk if he is telling me that to make me feel better which it doesn't. It makes the whole thing that much more weird to me. If it was his, it would be a part of him. And I love him with my heart so I would understand better perhaps. And when I asked him about the HPV he told me he didn't want me to leave him... bullshit excuse. I am not one of those girls that is closed minded. If you talk to me and are honest with me, then everything is cool between us and we can work around things. I am still a little upset about the fact I have been with him 3 years lived there 2 and half and just now am finding things out. I get it it's none of my business but I share everything. In my eyes sharing is getting over it. If you don't share it you aren't over it. Maybe these pregnant hormones are making me insecure but something just doesn't feel right..
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (23 July 2012):
yes you have a right to know, I would be livid if I were you and lying about a STI is disgusting
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (22 July 2012):
Your fiancé probably means that he’s never experienced a pregnancy with a partner before because the last one wasn’t successful. It’s likely that, as part of the grieving process he went through, he’s tried to forget all about the miscarriage and block it out in the hope that in time it will just go away, or the pain will be less. What’s more he probably did not want to tell you this when you’re in the early stages of a pregnancy yourself in order not to scare you. If you think that you really need to let him know that you’ve become aware of this information, sit him down and tell him that you’ve heard something and wanted to check it out with him. He might not wish to revisit it, so if he does refuse to talk about it don’t force the issue, but just let him know that you will listen if he ever does wish to revisit it. At least there won’t be any secrets between you as there is now, with him unaware that you know about what must have been one of the most intensely painful experiences he’s gone through. On a separate note, regarding HPV, if you have any concerns about your health as a result of becoming aware that his ex has the virus, you should speak to your doctor.
I wish you all the very best.
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female
reader, neomum +, writes (22 July 2012):
no you don't have a right to know as this was about them, he had a choice to make to tell you or not he choose not to tell you about his ex's miscarriage. personally i would have a heart to heart with your boyfriend and really talk to him about the pregnancy he may be acting nasty as he is scared that you could also lose the baby so he wants to detach himself from the whole situation.
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