| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: Dear All,I am having problems talking to my boyfriend.We are getting married in 3 weeks and I have had some terrible news 2 weeks ago when my brother suddenly passed away. I am hurt and have no one else I can really talk to other than my boyfriend. My family are very understanding but they live further away. However, we have recently had a massive row because he went off to celebrate someone's birthday in Bournmouth and left me in a terrible state. He did not call all day long to find out how I was.He has always been insensitive but this has pushed me so far away from him. I got to the point that day where I wanted to take my own life. I have never felt that way before,Ii have always been the strongest in the family.He knows all this and has simply said he is sorry.He has never lost someone close to him, but then neither have some of my friends, but they are very supportive.What do I do? If someone is so unsupportive now, what am I letting myself in for? I am so depressed and can not see a light at the end of this tunnel. I try talking to him about that day but he doesnt want to talk about and just says "I said I was sorry, why can't we just leave it" the way he always behaves.I am lost, my friends all think I deserve much better but also know that he meant the world to me.Will he ever change? He is 26 and I am 25. We are not children. Why can he not look after me?
View related questions:
depressed, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, schlottjl  +, writes (13 July 2005):
 First, I AM SO SORRY for your loss. I do know your agony as I lost my brother suddenly only three years ago. I am still absolutely devastated (and am already crying now...) but it does get easier to cope... eventually. Before we deal with the bf, do NOT do anything that you would not be able to take back. If not for you, do it for your brother and your poor parents.
I also know the loneliness you must feel. Even my friends no longer called me back once they heard the news supposedly so I could deal with "this time of pain" with out being publically embarrassed if I cried. (Their words in a card- the last I ever heard from 6 of them!)
I was pissed for a long time... ah hell, I still am and can't believe I ever trusted them in the first place! But I do understand a bit more. In fact, I was the bitch who abandoned a few people who faced the deepest grief. A whole part of you that you expected to possibly be the relationship you would have the longest, is gone.
But now you totally understand the hell of it. Until you experience it, you can never ever, ever know. You have a clue that it is not good, but you fear even seeing it in person. He can't see you like that! He seems immature and selfish and at a deep level he is. However, I can now see that some people can face death and the death of a young person who shares the flesh of someone you love is very weird even for your boyfriend.
Do not make any choices at this time. You are still in the denial and numb stage. It will probably be longer than it had to be since you now have been dealt the abandonment card.
No one is going to feel like a wedding right now. And think about setting something up to fail! When you get married you want it not to be overshadowed with sorrow.
Postpone it for now. That will buy you time to see if when he is faced with losing you, he will step up and be a man.
Write him a letter that states your pain vividly and tell him exactly what you need from him. Make the descriptions very vivid so he has a blue print. Set him free to get out of the fire. He will appreciate that and feel soooo guilty if he is any kind of good man.
Spend the time alone breaking down. Read books on loss of a sibling and consider a bereavement group. They are the only ones who can know your pain anyway.
When you look back at this time, honor any person who was completely there for you. It is a rare thing unfortunately. The world is selfish, but at times like this they don't know what to do and know no better.
My personal email is my screen name and my com is msn. If you want to tell someone everything, I would love to be there. They are less gone when you still introduce them to others.
You now have an advocate who has God's own ear. Today is the furthest you will be from him and every day you only get closer. Do not hurt your family more. It sucks being the strong one, but you are strong enough, women usually are! It has been our lot for millennia. Since we tend to live longer, we usually live long enough to see everyone we love die.... or we die first. Sounds depressing but once you live through it, it is oddly empowering.
A
reader, becky05 +, writes (13 July 2005):
He wont change. Perhaps he doesnt want to talk about it because he doesnt know what to do or say to make the situation better, but he sounds a very insensitive, selfish man and i would be having second thoughts whether i wanted to spend my life with someone like this or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, pinksoftkitten +, writes (12 July 2005):
Hold off the wedding!!!!!!!!!! You two have some serious issues to address!!!!
First of all, I agree that you are not children, which also means it's not his responsibility to look after you!! He should definetely put your feelings above those of his friends though. You should feel you are a team, and he is supportive of you. He doesn't sound very supportive, but sometimes, men behave like this when they feel out of their depth in dealing with the problem. He may not know how to comfort you, or support you, so the next thing he's going to feel is an overwhelming desire to escape. This could explain why he went out with his friends. What do you want him to do?? Listen to you?? Hug you?? Tell him. If he knows exactly what you want him to do, to make you feel better, then he has a good idea of how to support you. Sounds like he doesn't know what to do, so immediately becomes defensive. Sit him down and talk to him about what would make you feel supported. If he still doesn't try, then seriously question your future married to a man who can't see your pain or try to deal with it!!
...............................
|
