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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my fiance for a year. We live together and plan to marry next year. I just dont feel sexual with him. He is gorgeous and I love him dearly but I don't get turned on by him.He is getting frustrated and says it's OK but it's driving a wedge between us. He keeps blaming it on me just not fancying him.I just feel I can't be bothered or have the time for sex. I know this is wrong. Please help!
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female
reader, wishes +, writes (28 September 2005):
 You say you cant be bothered and dont have the time for sex. It sounds as though you are tired and maybe stressed. If so, this would be your biggest reason that your sex drive has disappeared. I would get this looked at first. Stop working so much, or going out so much. Spend time relaxing, yoga, eating well, massages. Anything that makes you relax and feel good about yourself. Talk it through with your partner. Try to make the wedge disappear. It will all work out but dont let this issue harm your relationship more than it already has. It seems he is being very understanding, thats excellent and definately the sort of husband you should want. Maybe think about seeing a doctor or counsellor and talking things through with them. Look for a solution. Sex is beautiful and a great way to feel close to your partner. Dont take this away from either of you. Best Wishes x
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (27 September 2005):
 Please put the wedding plans on hold until you both feel that this issue is satisfactorily resolved. Don't kid yourself that sex isn't really important in a committed relationship, or that "things will work out somehow" if you just ignore the problem long enough.
Your fiance is telling you right now, up front, that he feels frustrated about the lack of sex and your disinterest, generally. Men almost always have a higher level of interest in sex than their girlfriends and wives, so this is something that you're going to keep revisiting if you don't find out what the source of the problem is, and address it.
Since your fiance has been forthcoming enough to level with you about how he feels, it's your cue to work together to find a solution to the problem. If you go ahead and get married while you're still thrashing through this, there's a good chance that it'll become larger and more intractable.
My first question to you is, Is this a new development, or has your interest in sex been waning for a while? If you had an active and satisfying sex life early on, and you've just recently become apathetic about it, there might be a physical or medical problem you need to address. Have you taken on new responsibilities at work, or is there a pressing problem in your life, like a sick relative? These kinds of things can trigger exhaustion or depression that will wreak havoc with your libido.
Alternatively, do you have a gut feeling about why you're feeling this way? Do you feel unattractive, or are you repulsed by some physical aspect of your fiance?
The first thing you should do is go to your doctor for a physical and a possible referral to an endocrinologist. They need to do a blood work up to check on your hormone levels, in case this is a medical condition.
If that's not the problem, then you need to consider speaking to a counsellor about what's going on that's made you lose interest in sex.
This is not to say that the total issue is your "fault", or that your fiance doesn't have a part to play. He needs to do what he can to ensure that you feel relaxed, comfortable and attracted to him, and he may need - at some point, or for a period of time - to scale back his sexual expectations, if your sex drives are badly mismatched.
Unfortunately, this isn't something that can be solved with a whimsical answer. You'll have to work on this problem (one that's common to many women, incidentally.) Please don't ignore it, though, because I suspect that your fiance is very concerned about it, even though he might be putting on his "brave face" about the issue, hoping not to upset you too much.
Now, off you go... Ring your doctor and get the ball rolling.
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A
female
reader, wicky +, writes (27 September 2005):
If this is making you and your partner unhappy you should perhaps consider a session of hypnotherepy or even seek help from a relationship/sex counseller, but first try a sex game i.e a board game that way it is bound to be fun!
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