A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm having an issue with my fiancee and was looking for a bit of help...We've been together for almost a year, but a lot of time has been spent apart while I take care of legal issues in the state from which I moved. Over the course of that time, I've had to interact with my children's father (divorce being said legal issue). I don't particularly care about him anymore, but at one point we did go Christmas shopping for our children. I know he still cares about me, and it was my mistake to go anywhere with him and I know this, but NOTHING happened. I lied about it. I know that was mistake number 2. And I'm gathering that for these reasons, my fiancee is pretty convinced that I cheated on him. I didn't. There's no way I ever would. How do I regain his trust or prove I did nothing?
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male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 Is this a first time thing or have you given him reason to doubt you prior to this?
While I think you know what you did was wrong, I don't think you realize how grave a mistake it was. I mean you are/were playing with fire. Has your fiancé ever been divorced? Does he have an ex-wife and children? If so, how does he interact with them?
Trust is fundamental to the proper functioning in any relationship. Plain and simple, if he feels he cannot trust you he could potentially leave you and frankly, I'm sure it's already crossed his mind. You are not married yet, if he would then this is his chance. Now of course, believing you did not cheat, then this would be somewhat tragic. Not knowing his background, I personally would find it hard to accept a woman who was previously married, has an ex and children. Now, I'm thinking I will likely not be in such a situation, so I cannot know from experience, however, I have always told myself that this would be hard to handle in and of itself. Add lying to the mix, and this is why I say you are playing with fire and a sure way to drive this man away. You have now set the stage that whenever you do something with your children and your ex may be there or involved, his thoughts and doubts of you will be raised. Frankly, can you blame him? When you lie, he wonders what else you have lied about, it's only natural, and he will likely see you in a much more negative light than you probably deserve.
That you know your ex still has feelings for you, again, you are playing with fire. Two things to mention here:
1. You need to sort out now whether or not you see yourself as potentially getting back with your ex. You say you particularly don't care about him anymore...are you sure about that? Clearly, you have a connection with kids and you no doubt loved your ex in the past but you need to have a heart to heart with yourself, because there could be more to your lie than you think.
2. Sabotage? Be sure you're not trying to sabotage this relationship with your fiancé. Do you feel worthy of this new relationship? Is your fiancé too good to be true that you wonder why he is with you? Be sure any doubts or feelings of not being unworthy are not creeping out. If so, you need to address these concerns before ever getting married. Perhaps you really are not over your ex and know this is not fair to this other man, your fiancé?
Ok, enough of that. So now we're not sure exactly what you've tried to do or say to your fiancé so we should start from square one:
1. Deal with this NOW. Don't let it fester with him. The longer he thinks this way the worse it could get. His mind will start to wander. Can he trust you? What else is she lying about? What about that other time you had to meet up with kids and your ex? The wondering and doubting could get worse and worse to the point where he feels he doesn't even know you anymore, because he can't trust you. Let's face it, he thinks you have cheated, this is no joke, for any self respecting man this is an absolute deal breaker.
2. You need to do what you did here with him. That is acknowledge to him that what you did was wrong. Acknowledge that while you can acknowledge that you lied you did not cheat with your ex and that you were in no way physical. This is to validate that he is right in feeling what he is feeling. You wronged him, you caused him pain. While a man can be strong and come off as strong, when it comes to you his ego can be very sensitive. Tread carefully, if you come off as flippant (as in 'just get over it already I told you nothing happened') then you might as well be packing his bags for him. Probably the worse thing to do is get that way and/or worse such as angry or mad at him for continuing to doubt you. You need to approach this with love, caring, genuine concern, and affirmation of your love for him and that you now realize this is the last thing you should have done considering how you feel about him. While you are all the above, don't beg or grovel...just be genuine...otherwise he could think you as a cheater and possibly weak and now pathetic. At that point most cannot help but think more lowly of you.
3. Why did you lie? If you can get to the bottom of that one it would help. If he can understand you and why you lied by rationalizing it somehow then it will probably go far to alleviating his doubts. So why did you lie? How did he find out that you lied? Did he catch you in it? Did something come up after the fact that made him realize you lied? Did you confess? It doesn't sound like you confessed because if you had it would have been a preemptive strike against him eventually finding out and your conscious talking. So thinking about it, if he caught in you the lie then it is even worse. You need to think about why you lied but perhaps you just didn't want your fiancee to worry about your ex and doubting you? Of course the irony there and how lying just doesn't pay. Perhaps you need to acknowledge you were just plain stupid and having had the opportunity to think about it that you will NEVER do it again.
4. Tell him you need him to believe you. Acknowledge that you know it is difficult but assure him again that nothing happened. Ask him what you can do that will allow you to regain his trust, because you need that back to feel that the two of you are going to be ok.
5. Repeat and reiterate. Your lie may come up quite a few times. Day to day things may trigger it and remind him. If he is silent and tends to keep things inside and you see his mind thinking, ask him if he wants to talk about things and if he's thinking about you lying. This is where you repeat the essence of what you've said before and confirm your affection and love of him. You may think this is overkill but if he is thinking it then hell no it is not. It's damage control and this is where you need to remind yourself you f'ed up. Were the tables turned and he had pulled this lie on you I'm sure you would be thinking similarly.
What if he gets angry or mad or starts calling you names? Not knowing your fiancé, he may resort to this. This is where you keep your composure. He is afraid and fearful that you are not what he expected you would be, and/or downright pissed and disgusted at you for putting him through this. Acknowledge that you can understand why he is angry and that maybe you deserve some of this but that this is hurting you. Speaking from experience, an affirmation of love for him in such a situation typically can douse those flames or moment of hatred almost instantly. Chances are an apology from him will follow.
6. Transparency. You're going to have to put yourself on a short leash. This will involve him essentially knowing your whereabouts at all times until his trust in you returns and/or is earned. How this works will in part be based on how your discussions on the matter go and what he may need from you. Buy suffice to say, even if he doesn't verbalize anything in this regard, you need to make it a point that he knows generally where you are and what you are doing. Remember, you lied giving Jim good reason to have doubts about you. His mind will be doubting you, don't give his mind ammunition to wander. If he generally knows where you are then he will have less reason to doubt you. If you touch base with him by text or call every so often then his mind will have less reason to wander. If he calls you, answer the damn phone and promptly. If he texts you, get back to him as soon as possible. Make a conscious effort so that he doesn't have to wonder where you are otherwise he will likely gravitate to thinking the worse...that you could be cheating.
So, while there are probably no guarantees, I do think there is a lot you can do on your part. In term of getting your ex involved to act as a witness, my gut says this is probably not a good idea. I'm not sure what type of interaction your fiancee and ex have had and/or are comfortable with. If your ex has no idea that you were caught in this lie then bringing this to your ex's attention could be a disaster. How do you know he will vouch for you? Your fiance may not trust anything your ex has to say anyway. Depending on how severe his doubts, he could believe both you and your ex are in on it. If your ex is really sinister, he could vouch for you in front of you but make it a point to get doubts back to your fiance through other people or in other ways. That is what if he lies and confirms that you did cheat? Just be very very careful if you decide to take this avenue. Personally, I would not.
So what's the moral of the story here just so that it doesn't get lost in all the above?
DON'T LIE...it costs you more than just telling the truth.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): Please don't lie to ur fiancee/husband and don't do anything that you feel u r not going to tell him. The best thing is talk to him about it before you do it next time. Let him be part of it. He just want to make sure that everything is in order.
Sure chance are more to see ur children's father next time as u have something in common, so your fiancee/husbaned should be involved at least informed how you are dealing with it. You need his support in this.
You can regain his trust if you stay open in the future. What he need is your honesty and openess to him. That will aliviate his insecurity. Tell him if your husband calls you and give him details. He will love it.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 I guess that lying to him has made him think that there is more to it and i guess anyone would think the same. Am guessing that you have learned your lesson now and always be honest with your fiance its the basis to a good relationship.
Right now the trust has been broken and even though you are innocent it will take him time to trust you again and forgive you for lying. You werent in the wrong for going shopping with your ex you both share children together and if he is clear that you have moved on then it shouldnt be a problem.
All you can really do is to show your fiance how much you care for him, promise to him that nothing happened and keep promising him, show him plenty of love and affection and apologise for lying and just be a good partner. Hopefully his trust will come back in time. Theres not a lot more you can do than that.
Goodluck.
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A
female
reader, Blonde68  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 I guess there is no way of proving to your fiance that you didnt cheat on him, he will just have to take your word for it, as I am sure he will. From the outside looking in, it would look like you are being secretative and hiding something despite the fact that you haven't. What you can do however, is in future be up front with him and tell him that you are meeting up with your ex husband to do shopping for the children. What your fiance also needs to understand, is that you have children with this man, and he will have to deal with the fact that you are going to meet up time to time for many many years to come whether it be shopping, parent school meetings etc. Although to be fair I havent been in the same room as my ex husband never mind shopping, since the day we split 10 years ago, and any shopping we do, we do alone!Please do spare a thought for your fiance though in the future and imagine if the tables were turned, how would it make you feel.
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