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female
,
*onksmistress
writes: Dear Cupid, My fiance has decided to become a buddhist monk. He has tried this before we got together. He said that he wanted to marry me, and believe me, I have given him ample opportunity to change his mind. He just broke the engagement. We will be living together for 1 more month, but he took vows of celibacy already. I threw the ring at him in an argument before, and he said he's lost his enthusiasm for the wedding. What can I do? Please help me. I love him so much.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): Let him become a monk. You should try to find another man to marry.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): This is a hard end to a relationship because your finance still loves you. When someone ends a romantic relationship with a person because of wanting to pursue a spiritual life, it is more difficult than if you could dislike your ex. His decision is a difficult one. It will be painful, but hopefully no one will suffer too long.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): Sister,
I know this story from the other end... and I can't offer you anything which will soothe your anger or make you feel better. However, you may want to try to read a little about the stories of Buddhist teachers, "saints" (arhats and Bodhisattva's) and how they lived their lives. I would defy anyone who has read these posthumous-biographies not to find them inspiring.
I will tell you as a male, that you don't want to marry anyone who is predisposed to this in the first place. He would always be thinking of philosophical matters before your relationship. He would put off special occasions to celebrate Buddhist holidays, go to the Sangha..etc...
Some of us were supposed to be monks...
If you read up on Buddhism a little more, you may find yourself beginning to understand this as a matter of "all-of-us" vs/ you and him. And believe me, unless his intent is not in the right place, it is all sentient beings he's considering...and you also are a sentient being...which (sorry to say for you Buddhist widows) makes you no more or less important than any person or animal on earth.
I hope this helps from another voice.
Thet
Beijing
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): He is stupid....he can learn the Way of Buddha,he don't need to become a monk.....He can be married and enjoy Buddha teachings.Try to find a grown up Man,not a child like him...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): This is a very difficult situation and I feel for you. I suggest you let go and let the decision make itself. Central to buddhism is non attachment. It would be foolish to undertake a celibate marriage
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): well, sex is an important part of marriage - if you are also willing to be celibate, than there's no problem - in my opinion, it's not really fair to ask you to give up your sexuality for the rest of your life - think about it - you obviously love him, but it's probably time to let him go
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2006): It could be your boyfriend has issues with truth, society, a host of things. It takes years to become a Buddhist Monk. It requires alot of things that western society isn't used to but some are drawn too, such as happiness, enlightenment, and peace. He probably recognizes that peace requires more than the answers provided here in the west.
You don't have to be a monk to be a buddhist and to live a peaceful life. It could be an escape... but from what?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2006): This site may help you a lot indeed...
http://www.dlshq.org/download/brahma_nopic.htm
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2006): By now this is over. I don't know if he did move away or if he didn't. I do know this. If you truly loved him, you would become a buddhist nun until you figured out for yourself what you want. He has made his choice, and it is his responsibility. Your responsibility, if you love him, is to be with him and support him. People rarely ask their heart if the path, or relationship is right for them. Instead they focus and dwell on their thoughts.
If he is no longer with you, you didn't love him. You were in love with him, or the idea of him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2006): I meant "THEN proceed to scold him until you're satisfied and leave if HE persists to be inflexible and unyielding in his philosophical answers - if any."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2006): Holy crap! Let's remove the religous argument and focus on the question itself.
Yes, as Becky and Mimi has suggested, all you can really do in this angle is speak with him, ask him why he has chosen that path, and why did he start a relationship with you if he wanted to become a monk? The proceed to scold him until you're satisfied and leave if her persists to be inflexible and unyielding in his philosophical answers - if any.
Also, to the Buddhist ranter, all you had to do was provide a link instead of going off on some rather incoherent stuff.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2006): First, just as a point of fact, I am not a buddhist, or an adherant to any faith, though I do believe in a creator.
Second, it does sound like this is not a good match.
Third, celibacy is not genocide. genocide is, by definition, an act of murder against a race of people. celibacy is a personal choice not to engage in sex in order to focus the mind on spiritual matters. After all, lets be honest, sexual politics can be distracting even if they involve someone you love.
Finally, you (cupid) have no business denigrating this man's religious group as a cult without more intimate knowledge of what is taking place. That is a hate crime- an act based on extreme prejudice. A religious decision is a personal one requiring intense study and forethought, not a couple of paragraphs wipped out on a blog.
Shame on you.
j.d. adler
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2005): You sound like a wonderful young woman.
I’m a Born Again Buddhist, so I’ll give you some free advice:
Watch the movie Titanic together.
Talk about what creative love means.
And Don't go down with the ship.
Here is an 8 fold path for the both of you:
Sir, you may become a modern western Buddhist Monk:
1. Modern Western Monks, like modern Christian ministers, are NOT required to take a vow of Genocide.
They can marry and have children, just like healthy, normal people.
I've known many happy ministers and monks with wonderful families.
Yes, I said it right, Genocide, not celibacy.
Celibacy is a vow of death, a giving over to death, a small suicide -
insuring the death of the genes one was entrusted with, as a gift.
Celibacy is an act of vandalism, an act of violence against the personhood of man - and woman.
2. If one of you have chosen not to become a mate, then young lady, you already need a new mate.
It is a yes or no question: No mating, your not life mates.
IF He will not breed with you, your genes will die too.
In effect, murdering your genes for all eternity.
That is so wrongful to the both of you, to be destroyed and lost for all eternity.
You both are very special and wonderful and unique in all the Universe. And that really means something!
It is so important to live a full life,
because People are not only individuals, you both are links in the great chain of life. And life is Good.
100,000 Generations struggled and fought, and suffered and loved and died so YOU (and HIM) could stand here on this lovely
Planet Earth today. To work and play and enjoy your moment under the sun.
3. Religions or Leaders that enforce death upon their followers are NOT to be trusted.
They are the worst of the death worshipping, child hating, evil cults.
That goes for Catholics, Harmonists, and Buddhists as well. (Jesus said it was good to tolerate children.)
Forced Celibacy is evil by it's very nature, because it enforces the destruction of the future promise of children.
Self Genocide is a Hate Crime.
If he is being forced against his will by his spiritual leaders into celibacy then he is under duress and coercion and that
spiritual leader can not be trusted, it could be a bad cult ending in violence, and certainly a childless death for the
celibates. Both you and him should get far away from guys like that.
He should gain some street smarts and not trust people who are not looking out for the best interests of himself and his wife
and family, his children, grand-children, and great grand-children. (think deep, out to 4 or 5 generations).
4. Children are a Gift from God (or gods, or mother nature, etc).
If possible, it is not wise to refuse the very gift of life, to take ones role as part of the creation.
Life and the creating of life is a gift of the creator.
(God, Jesus, Shiva, Great Spirit, Mother Nature, Ra, Odin, Evolution,
whatever name you want to think in your head, for the Source of All.)
5. If he WANTS to be celibate, then he has abandoned his relationship with you. It's over, find another.
He may simply be unworthy of you and he is allowing himself to be destroyed by a user cult.
Really, if a person is so unwise they don't want to marry and reproduce,
those genes making up that person are over due to be removed by natural selection.
People must find mates worthy of the gift of creative love.
6. If He TRULY wants to Live EXACTLY like the Buddha:
The Buddha had at least two children and then abandoned his wife and family to become a monk.
So, he could have two children with you, like the Buddha, and then abandon you and go live as a monk,
leaving you to fend for yourself, like Buddha did with his family.
Now don't think too bad about Buddha, he was a very bad father and horrible husband.
But Buddha was a very rich prince, so his wife and children were not left to die in the streets,
they were wealthy and survived, but the children had no father, and the woman was left all alone.
If the Buddha stayed he could have turned into a drunken wife beating child abuser.
Perhaps Buddha did what was best, though certainly not ideal for his family.
Buddha just wasn't man enough for fatherhood, or he couldn't get along with his wife.
The burden is shared.
So if your Man is intending to leave you with two children and oh, about $3 Million in cash,
Then he can live EXACTLY like the Buddha. But if I were you, get the $3 Million up front, and come to
a written agreement as to how many children he will father and when he will leave you and go join the monastery.
Maybe he could be a part time monk, going on a couple week long retreats each year?
7. Perhaps Sir, you Really do Love her, very very very much, and you are willing to step aside and let her go.
A man can know in his heart when his woman can simply 'Do Better'. (or he can do better)
Or perhaps a man can tell when a woman is 'not ready'. (or he will Never be ready)
His love for you is a christ like love, an agape type love. He wants you to be free from him.
He will lay aside all of his own self interests and make sure that you are free to go find
a better man, a more suitable mate. A man who will love you deeply, a soul mate for life.
He is laying down his life, to insure you can have a better life than he could provide.
It's a hard thing for a man to admit, but sometimes true love calls men to simply step aside.
Leaving you is the truest love he can show to you.
Men have to learn how to love their women, it takes years.
Women have to learn how to respect their men, that may take longer, depending on how well a man
learns how to love his woman.
AND LASTLY FOR HIM:
8. To become a Buddhist, to become Enlightened, is to be 'Awake'. Be Awake to Everything.
See things as they truly are.
Yes, we are spiritual beings who live in dreams and wakefulness,
But also we are also creatures, and we are entitled to enjoy our lives as Part of the Creation.
Self preservation is not clinging, it is not selfishness.
Reproduction is an act of Self Preservation for the two of you.
Reproduction is the same as looking both ways before walking across the street.
To save and preserve life. To Create, Save, and Preserve life is a very good thing.
Even Buddha drank the rice milk when he was starving to death. Serve rice milk at your wedding!
Raising good happy children is good for your Karma.
So too, is having a wife, she is good for your Karma.
Christians say a good wife is a Gift from God.
If she is a good woman to you, perhaps she will be a good wife and mother too.
Happiness is good, but the Buddhist does not cling to it too tightly and get disappointed.
Sadness will come, but the Buddhist does not cling to it too tightly and become depressed.
Balance, Harmony, the Middle Path, the yin/yang - both male and female are required to be complete.
What is Earth without Sky?
What is the Ocean without the Land?
What is man without woman?
To live alone, you risk missing out on truly living a whole life, now and for All eternity.
Meditate with your woman, and meditate upon your Karma, what would be more harmful to you and to the woman?
Talk to your four parents together, what is the best path?
Is leaving more harmful? Then leaving is bad for your Karma, because you will cause unneeded suffering.
Is staying more harmful? Then staying is bad for both your karma and her karma as well.
Every guy can buy 30 or 40 books from Amazon.com and become just as Enlightened as he wants to be.
He can marry and take his wife and children to the local temple and meditate on the weekend, just
like Jews or Christians who worship their god on the weekend.
Really, it's not a bad life, you would enjoy it. A family that meditates together stays together.
A wife and children would make great traveling companions to go visit Asia,
South America, etc. etc.
Joy shared is squared, multiplied in value.
Joy alone is divided, less than whole.
To be a Buddhist is to have freedom, inside ones own mind and spirit.
Freedom comes with responsibility.
You can still live a full and normal life.
Just like Baptists, or Mormons.
It doesn't have to end badly in separation.
Do the Right thing.
If you don't want to marry, just say so.
Don't blame it on Buddha - he was rich and he had a wife and two kids, and walked away from them.
Don't blame Buddha for your own choices.
There is no shame in admitting a mistake,
only in avoiding correcting an error.
Ask forgiveness for your mistakes, and live in love.
Whatever your choice may be.
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A
female
reader, Ask MiMi +, writes (3 August 2005):
Sounds like this guy has already made up his mind about what he wants to! You need to ask him direct questions and have him explain what he wants and expects from the relationship. As it is he is sending you mixed signals. Is he interested in being married or not. You need to find out, and when you do, you will be able to make a decision about where the relationship is going.
All the best to you in the future.
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A
reader, becky05 +, writes (3 August 2005):
Your boyfriend was unfair to begin a relationship with you if he has been considering becoming a buddhist monk.
Unfortunately, there is probably nothing that you could do to change his miond. You need to put the relationship behind you and move on.
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