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female
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*sm2
writes: I'm 19 years old and I've been dating a guy for about 7 months. We've been having some trouble lately & things have become beyond complicated. The relationship started out perfect. After dating for about 2 months he told me he loved me, he's never loved anyone before and shortly afterward I lost my virginity to him. After that, he told me he knew I was his soul mate. Recently though, we've been fighting a lot. I get upset because I've been feeling like I've been taken for granted in so many ways. I do a lot for him: pay for things such as gas for him, I'm thoughtful and regularly do nice little things for him like sending nice emails and things like that. He, on the other hand, makes promises which are almost never kept. I can't help but feel like I'm putting the majority of the work into our relationship. When I ask him to do very, very small things for me there is almost always an excuse for why he didn't do it...he just "forgot". I feel ignored and worthless. Even sex is just "quickie" sex, lasting only minutes and without foreplay. Afterwards he apologizes saying "sorry I'm so bad" and he swears to improve things. Of course that never happens. When I get upset and cry he just gets mad and says I'm getting upset over the stupidest things and I need to grow up. He says I'm too high maintenance and I'm looking for a 'fairytale' relationship that I will never find. But then he apologizes and tells me he loves me a million times. I don't know what to do. I love him unconditionally and that worries me. Is this grounds for breakup for good?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2005): When you say you’ve talked to your b/f about how you feel, was this in the form of discussion or just complaining? If he’s just starting to take you for granted, it may not be very long so there’s still a chance for you to establish a pattern within your relationship that you can both live with.
Some men come from families And/or prior relationships where the females (re: mother/old girlfriends) did everything for them and he never had to appreciate what was done for him. If he learnt to be emotionally lazy in his dealings with women in his past, then you have to reeducate him but it must be done gently and with love. Walking out at this stage could harm your relationship but as a strategy, it can work because of its shock value. I would try a subtler approach first if I were you. Explain to him how you feel and that you want an equal relationship based on mutual respect; ask him to offer some input on ways that you can achieve this. Make it clear that the relationship belongs to both of you and you want to work as a team.
It’s good that you continue to respect yourself and don’t do everything for him. If the idea of women's love for your b/f, is a woman sacrifices herself totally for him and he’s not getting that, he could be feeling insecure also. Teach him over time that love isn’t self-sacrifice or self-abuse but trust, respect and communication. If you respect yourself and stick to your guns, he will come to respect you. There’s no other way to gain it. Good luck.
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (3 August 2005):
 1. Every relationship starts out perfect
2. Every relationship can feel bad at times
3. there is no such thing as grounds for break up- if you want to break up- break up. There is no shame in that. You are too young to worry about it yet.
Put it this way: You want to test drive a few guys so that you will know what is grounds for working it through. If you commit too young and don't see alot of different people, you will never know. So date around, don't get serious for awhile and try to see if they will allow you to put the physical relationship off a bit so you won't be hurt and their true colors come out.
Let me just say that girls ALWAYS put all the effort into "the relationship". In fact, guys don't even think that way. If over time you make him feel good about himself and he likes being around you, dependancy begins and they begin to feel love. Women like to look at what can be and decide if he is within range and if so, do you want to spend your time capital and get a fixer upper Guys are not nearly that complicated. If you ask what they are thinking and they say nothing, believe it- they can’t even figure why we ask let alone think about what they think!
If you want a man, eventually you realize that THEY DON"T GET IT! Really, they actually don’t have the brain tissue and chemistry to get as emotional. Women do because we get pregnant and someone has to replenish the species. Babies take a very long time to grow and they take a lot of mind reading to keep alive. So for the interrelating and the emotional support go to your friends and don't take it too personally; just watch your pattern. If you regularly get to the crying stage, no matter who it is you are with, then it is you not him. If you are able to get over it after thinking more clearly and able to move on and have fun, and you realize there is a pattern to the fights like say every few weeks, it his hormones (I swear they have times of the month too, but it is a conspiracy to keep it from us! ;) could be your time too I suppose. . . ), However, if you don’t go digging for problems and try to be fair and they are still in your face, he treats you poorly in public or is selfish, rude or demeaning, it is him and then dump him - the sooner the better.
Good luck and have fun while it lasts! .
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female
reader, Peasle  +, writes (3 August 2005):
The relationship sounds unbalanced. You're doing the giving and he's doing the taking. Actions speaks louder than words - what a man says should be matched by what he does.
When you say he doesn't follow through on promises - what are these promises? For example, not showing up when he says he will (if this is happening) is certainly not acceptable behaviour. Not returning romantic emails, on the other hand, may just be a difference in style - rather than a major cause for concern.
The fact that you love him 'unconditionally' is cause for concern. You should love yourself foremost - and that means not accepting poor behaviour from someone else. If he feels that you love him unconditionally, he knows he can get away with anything! And so he does! He doesn't need to change because he knows you'll be right there waiting for him, writing another romantic email to show how much you love him. Women often feel that if they are really really nice to their man and excuse his bad behaviour, then he will follow their lead and start acting the same in return. What usually happens, however, is that the woman become a doormat and the guys knows he doesn't need to make an effort any more.
Decide whether these broken promises are important, the bedrock of a relationship. (As opposed to the 'nice to haves' - such as flowers etc) If they are, tell him plainly how you feel. Don't drag up the past, don't cry, don't tell him how you treat him so much better. Tell him, bottom line, that you love him, but feel the effort in the relationship is not two way and it needs to change or you are out. Then take a back seat (that means no cutesy emails, no 'going out of your way to make him feel special'!) - and observe. If you aren't getting what you want, get out.
Good luck!
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reader, charliesgirl +, writes (3 August 2005):
It seems that you are putting all the effort into this relationship without actually gaining anything from it yourself. A loving, trusting relationship consists of compromise and of making the other partner happy. Any relationship that continues to make you unhappy or make you feel worthless is only damaging to your self esteem and peace of mind.
People often stay in a loveless relationship through habit or through fear of change, or fear of being alone. I am not suggesting that you should break off the relationship immediately, however the track record of his behaviour (promising to change and never fulfilling his promises) suggests that he is unwilling to make the necessary effort to salvage the relationship. You are possibly too willing to please his every whim, whilst he cannot even complete the simplest task for you! I'm also concerned that you help him out financially too- ok, lending a loved one a little money that they repay is perfectly ok, but if you are consistently bailing him out then sadly he is using you.
Sit down and speak to him. Tell him you are unwilling to continue with the relationship in its current state. If he promises to change, see if he does change his behaviour- not only that, but see if he can maintain it for a month or more (not just a few days). If he cannot change, then I think you will have accept that he is undeserving of your love and attention and find somebody else who is.
As they say, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince, and you have a great future to look forward to! Don't waste your precious time on losers.
Good luck!
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reader, becky05 +, writes (3 August 2005):
It depends what he is doing that is so bad.
Just because he doesnt send romantic emails back and buy you flowers doesnt mean that he doesnt love you. If, on the other hand, you feel that he is mistreating you, you have to tell him firmly how his behaviour is making you feel, if he doesnt care then perhaps it is time to walk away.
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