A
female
age
41-50,
*llieb19
writes:Please help! I have been with my fiance for over 7 yrs and just found out he has been cheating on and off for the past 3 yrs! I am scared to be alone and would take a huge financial hit if we separate as we own businesses and real estate together. I'm devastated but still feel compassion towards him and don't want to hurt him. I am not angry. Help! I don't want to care about his feelings. I am 27 and don't even know how to date anymore. What do I do? Any suggestions to get through this?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 November 2010):
 Buy him out if you can or let him buy you out, I would trust that man in ANY aspects of life, let alone with your money, since he was so flipping careless with your heart.
A
female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (5 November 2010):
 Do you want to stay business partners? Do you want him still be close to your family? What do you want???
I don't know about your job live and your financial situation. But you have to think about what you want and what is best for you! Would it be a possibility to change your job? Would it be a possibility to start from the beginning? Would it be a possibility to move to an other place as well? You are still young, there are a lot of chances! Or would you rather stay at your job, be financial in a secure place, have your habitual environment? But if you stay, how would it be to see him everyday? Having business meetings with him? Meet his new girlfriend and know what he is doing? Will you still be able to move on on our old place?
Somehow its an new start anyway!
About your family. You can not forbid him to stay in contact, but if you don't want him to stay in contact with your family, you have to tell him very clearly (but friendly).
I would tell your family and friends. And its up to you, but I would also tell the reason. And if you don't want your ex stay in contact with your family, I would tell your family, that it would be hard for you to have a new start and a new life, if they would stay in contact. So you can ask for stopping the contact.
Hope this helps!
XXX
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A
female
reader, allieb19 +, writes (4 November 2010):
allieb19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe wants to remain business partners? He is super close with my family also. What do I do? It's so hard to just think of him as a business partner after all this time together. I don't even know where to begin with telling my family we're not together..any advice?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 November 2010):
You leave him. He cheated on your for 3 YEARS? And you want to stay? Getting married will NOT make him stop cheating. Being engaged certainly didn't either.
There is nothing to forgive, time to lose the loser. Only thing that will hurt him is his vanity. All of a sudden people will Know what a lousy man he is.
And 27? not too late to find a good one.
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A
female
reader, allieb19 +, writes (1 November 2010):
allieb19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all of your responses and I know you're right. I need to leave, its just so hard. I wouldn't stay for him for $. I was saying we built all these business together and so it would hurt me financially to leave. We don't have kids.I will let you know how it turns out. Any more advice is appreciated!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): Don't stay with him because of money!
Don't think, you will lose everything if you leave him! The only thing you will lose is a lot of problem with a cheating husband!
You are still young! Belife me, 27 is not to old to restart! An I'm sure you will find a new partner (not tomorrow, but in a few month) and you will find a man you can trust! And you are still young enough to start a family with a new partner!
It will be hard at first to leave him and the first few weeks you will feel lonely. But go out with your friends, take courses, find new hobbies and take time to think about you, what is important to you and for you in our live!
I'm sure you will find the right way for you!
But don't stay with him because of fears! 3 years of cheating is a long time, he will do it again. He will never change (realy, don't be naive!), he will do it again (don't listen to him, he did it 3 years and you had to found out, he will never change!). If you stay with him, you will have to live with the fear, he will do it again. You will never 100% trust him and if he does it again, you will be hurt. And beliefe me, it will hurt much more, than it will hurt now to leave him!!!!!!!!! Don't stay with him because of your fears now and don't block out what will be in 10 years when you will found out, he did it again! Restart now, as you still are young enough to go new ways! Once you are married, this won't be that easy. Maybe there are also kids, what makes it much more difficult to leave a partner.
In your question you actually say, you want to leave, but you, but you fear of it. Don't let fear rule your life!
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (1 November 2010):
CaringGuy is spot on. Speaking from experience, my ex-wife cheated on my for several years before I filed for divorce. I shouldn't have waited. I feared getting back into the dating game, but when I finally did at age 33 I found it to be a whole lot more enjoyable than when I was younger (confidence is key). I also went from feeling trapped and depressed to being happier than I've been in a very long time.
Please, do yourself a favor and don't waste any more of your time with this loser who doesn't deserve you. Break off the engagement and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): All of this is just what I would do if I were in your shoes so take as much or as little of it as possible! I don't want to judge either of you as I don't know you but just know what I would do if I were put in your position.
I am very sorry to hear that you are going through so much heartache and can understand how complicated things are as you are such a big part of each others lives.
I can understand the fear of being alone, I would feel the same but also I would be scared of a relationship with someone who had betrayed me and lied. I would be scared of the future with them because I personally would no longer trust them and deep down I would never truly forgive them.
Only you can judge if you think he will never do it again. But 3years of cheating is quite serious-its not like a one night drunking fling-which to me is serious enough!
If he doesn't know you've found out it would be better to confront him soon. Give him a chance to explain and apologise. But I would also get in touch with a lawyer pretty quick about how to sort out the businesses and real estate fairly between you as I would, no matter how scary the thought of it is, be leaving him and fast.
To get through it I would sort out a nice litte apartment to get my own space and would have to learn to be alone again. Get your friends round and keep busy by having dinners together, get out to the cinema, theatre or whatever interests you. The main aim is to keep busy I would want to have time to put everything out of my mind. But I would also allow yourself space and time alone to grieve the loss of your relationship as it is a big deal and a big part of your life that has changed.
You don't have tell everyone you hate him and talk negatively about him because you loved this man and until you found out about what he was doing you were in love with him! Just allow yourself to go with what you feel and if people want to be negative about him don't feel ashamed to ask them to stop-its not that you are sticking up for him but now it is not important. Concentrate your energies on yourself now as you'll need time to heal, only then can you consider the world of dating again!
Good Luck in whatever happens for you x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 November 2010):
You'd have to be insane to stay with a guy just for money, while he's cheated on you for three years. I appreciate that it would be a hit, and that you're afraid of being alone, but this relationship is a lie, and everything about it is a lie.
You don't want to hurt him? You won't. You can't hurt a man who has cheated for three years! He's already hurt you, and certainly feels nothing for you. So you won't hurt him. And, at 27, you can get back out there and find a better guy who won't cheat.
You need to keep your self respect and dignity here. If you stay with him just because you're afraid of being alone, or just for money, then you'll just be miserable your whole life.
The guy doesn't care about you or love you, and this is just a relationship of convenience, not love. For your own sake, end it. Don't be this guy's doormat, or later in life you'll look back and realize you've wasted your life.
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