A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Could anyone who has been through this help. My fiance has a child. It appears that no one in the world believes the child is his. The mother became pregnant within a month of them getting together. It has now surfaced that she was sleeping with several married men when they first started. Her character is of that who would lie, and was anything but honest throughout their relationship. The child is lovely, but the truth is, there is not one single resemblance. This is nothing to do with money or child support because he doesn`t earn enough. He finaly told me himself about the doubts he has also had and did not know everyone else thought the same. His main fear is hurting the child. What is he to do?
View related questions:
fiance, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (30 December 2011):
 How to proceed is based on the child's age, but I think he should get a paternity test done at any rate. If the child is old enough that he identifies your fiance as "daddy", then it's noble and right that he doesn't want to disown the child, as the child is innocent, no matter what the sins of the mother are.
However, he still needs to not only protect himself legally, but eventually the child may want to know who is real father is, because when the child is old enough, and your fiance isn't the biological father, the child will be owed the truth, the same as any child who is adopted.
If your fiance loves this child as it sounds like he does, a paternity test won't change that love, and you can rest assured that if this ex is as dubious as you say, that she will not factor in the happiness between you and your fiance.
He's an honorable guy in considering this child's wellbeing regardless of paternity.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): Get a test done. It will mean you telling the kids mom. If she says no, then you will know why.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): Jeremy Kyle will do a paternity test for free.
Otherwise you can pay for one. But finding out if he really is the father is the first and most important step. He is right, the baby must come first if it's his and until he knows whether it is or not he must put that child first as if it is. I personally could not live with myself if a child was possibly mine and I ignored it or refused to bond with it only to find out it really was mine.
So get the test and then you can deal with whatever the repercussions are after that.
It sounds like you have a good man here, one willing to step up and take responsibility so let him keep that up and just find out for certain.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): Get a test done and just hope for the best results. If they come back negative then the child will end up hurt and you cannot avoid it. If you lie to the child you are just as bad as the mother.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): Have they had a DNA test done to prove once and for all the child is his? You haven't mentioned one and it's the obvious place to start - for the child's sake more than anyone.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): Try the following http://www.childsupportanalysis.co.uk/papers/truth/app_a.htm
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): Whilst there are women like her there will always be questions. Its simple, you get a paternity test done. it does not take anyone with experience to tell you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): It needs concluding asap. Also it is wrong if the childs being lied to. Your husband may be better preparing himself with a councilor if the results are negative. The moment i read 'married men' i see every reason why minds need to be put at rest. Is his name on the birth certificate?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): this is not something you should carry on not knowing. even if he carries on a relationship with the child, the truth has to surface. it may even work out that the child is his, but dont bet on it. if it was a married man then it could be he knows about it and is quite happy with getting out of it unscraped. i question the character of any woman who sleeps willingly with married men, and so should you. i have not been through it myself, but did see it happening once. if the mother has nothing to fear then she will want the test done herself. i hope this resolves.
...............................
A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (30 December 2011):
He needs to demand a paternity test. He can then decide whether to tell the child or not (depending on child's age). Even if he is not the biological father he can still choose to be a father figure but not be legally bound. Encourage him to do this. The child (at a certain age ) will also want to know who his/her father is.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): I would surreptiously get some material from the child and have a DNA test done just to put your mind at rest. The child would not need to know as I believe you can use a toothbrush or hair from a brush. If the child is old enough to think of him as Daddy then I would tread carefully so the child isn't hurt in any way and even if the child turns out not to be your fiance's you could still maintain the contact if they have already built up a bond. If the mother is not asking for money then I am unsure what she actually wants other than to have some kind of hold over your fiance. Also it would be best to get this sorted so you can tell her you know the truth but you are still going to behave with decency as this is not the child's fault.
...............................
A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (30 December 2011):
 Simple: paternity test. Get or save the mOney and do it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): First, he needs to get a DNA test done to prove that he is or is not the father. if it is his child then he shouldn't be disowning the child. The thing is, suspecting that he isn't the father is not enough reason to disown the child. I know hard this situation is, I was in the same kind of situation with my boyfriend early in our relationship, and I told him the same thing, get a DNA test and then figure out the next step. His doubts were confirmed, and he wasn;t the father. He sounds as if he is emotionally attached with the child in question, if this is the case then maybe it's worth continuing to be a father figure to the child. It depends on the childs age, as to whether it would hurt the child. Good Luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): As it is written, there is a strong possibility the child isnt his and he knows it. Either way it is not something you can sit on. The child has a right to know the truth. If the results are negtative then the trauma is the result of lies, not the paternity test.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): It is very easy to get dna testing in the UK. Expect to pay around the £350 mark. You will need her and her consent for the child involved. You could see a solicitor if the mother refuses, but if she does refuse it will have answered itself for you before wasting his time and money. This is known as a "peace of mind" testing and she wont be required to reveal the real father. Does he have other children who resemble him? If so he has strong genes and the likely outcome is that the child is not his. It will hurt the child more by not having the test done. Her history alone is enough to put a big question mark there. A test needs doing.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 December 2011):
 How old is this child? if the child is old enough that he/she considers your fiance daddy then your fiance is doing the right thing by an innocent child....
if the woman is trying to get money from him and he does not believe the child is his, he can get court ordered paternity testing done and then once he is NOT responsible for this child he can become like a father figure to this child and while not being legally bound to the child he can easily be emotionally bound.
I personally put a lot more stock in actions than blood. I raised a stepdaughter as if she was my own.... no legal ties to this child bound me to her...
if the child is very young and he has no ties to the child legally and he wishes to extract himself from the mess, the child will have few memories of this if any and he won't hurt the child but will the child have a positive male influence then?
...............................
|
