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female
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anonymous
writes: Should I be worried about my fiance checking in on his ex-girlfriend? We have been together just over a year and been engaged for 4 months. He moved in with me 3 months ago; right before that I was using his computer and noticed that he'd been on his ex-girlfriend's website. (She is a semi-famous musician and was his big "one that got away." They were together 15 years ago, but I know he hooked up with her again a few years ago when he was with someone else.)I confronted him about what I'd found and we worked it out, but he was very upset that I'd "snooped". I didn't -- that time. It was an honest accident that I saw it, but since then I have been totally paranoid (I've had several exes cheat on me) and now deliberately check his internet history. In the past 2 months, he has looked up info on her 3 more times, as well as info on 2 other exes. Interestingly enough, it seems to happen most right after he and I have had a couple of really wonderful days in a row together. As far as I can tell, he hasn't tried to contact her.I hate that I now snoop like this, but I can't seem to stop myself, and I don't dare confront him because he'll be angry that I've broken his trust. He reguarly tells me that I'm his soulmate and the only woman he wants to be with and how much he loves me, but I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, or that he's only with me because he couldn't have her. Should I be worried? Help!?!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2006): I have in the past looked on my ex's website but it doesn't mean anything to me. i am just curious to know what he is doing but since i have hooked up with my current b/f I haven't visit the website.
A
female
reader, Suzanna +, writes (14 September 2006):
 I don't think that you have real reason the be worried. He is probably just curious about what happened to these people that use to be a significant part of his life.
Remember that there were reasons why these relationships did not work out. And all these people have moved on and changed since.
Accept that your fiance had important relationships in the past and that he loved other woman. These relationships have helped to shape the person that he is today. Know he chooses you and loves you and would like to marry you! He would certainly not have proposed to you if he was planning on hooking up with an ex.
You need to stop this jealousy and trust him and his feelings. Do not spy on him, that is disrespectful!
You will regret it very much if you mess things up with him!
Good luck XxX
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A
male
reader, Herr Professor +, writes (14 September 2006):
 First of all, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with a guy checking on his ex-girlfriends, especially the one he was with for fifteen years. I've never understood the fact that many people break up with someone and feel that have to be enemies and never speak again. If you really love someone, it should be natural that you remain friends and want to know how one another is doing. I stay in contact with many of my ex-partners; it doesn't mean I don't love my current one or want to get back with an old one.
One thing that does concern me is your comment about not snooping "this time", which implies that you have done this with him in the past. If you are snooping, this in itself might make him uncomfortable, which leads to more secrecy and problems between you.
Based on past relationships, you obviously have an issue with trust, and rightly so. However, not trusting someone is a surefire way to push them out of your life.
You need to tell your boyfriend how you feel. Tell him that you really love him, but you've been hurt so much in the past that you automatically assume the worst. Tell him that you find it wonderful that he cares enough about his former loves to stay in touch with them, but hiding it from you makes it worse, and that you would trust him more if he were just honest about it. The two of you have to communicate honestly with one another. Keeping secrets isn't the path to follow.
I really think you could benefit from some counseling, as well, to deal with your feelings of mistrust. You really can't have a happy, healthy relationship until put your past behind you.
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A
female
reader, LiLKiss +, writes (14 September 2006):
 it is very difficult situtaion, but ill ask you one question what would made you to check up on your exes??? would you ?? i dont see the reason y you would do that because you have fience and you love him and past guys that you have been in relationship shoudnt matter to you... thats y i donno what your fience is thinking but he shouldnt be doing that that is my opinion.. should you be worried honesly yes i dont want to scare you but you need to think about it and ask him how he would feel if you checked on your exes every so on.. maybe he really loves you and everything he said because other ways he shouldnt be engaged with you if he has doubts and if he is thinkin about his ex. you should talk to him and let him know that you are scared and it wouldnt be fare. that is just possiblity that there is something wrong but it could be nothin because you cant really say what he thinks.
well i hope everything will work out the way you want it and let me know how everything works out ...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2006): You really sound like a woman inlove.You are making all the excuses in the world for him whilst it looks like he enjoys getting back with his exes.Sort yourself first,think about yourself and not make excuses for him.To me this guy is not ready for commitment.
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