A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I are currently planning our wedding for Decenber 2013. The problem is I don't want his friends there. Please advise me on how to handle this.Six months ago (when we were already engaged), he was invited to a wedding without me. I thought this was a major slight and asked him not to go. The wedding was on my birthday, to make things worse and was out of state. The couple in question were not close friends of his, but he really wanted to go to see his other friends. We both live on the East Coast and the wedding was in California. The actual weekend before the wedding we had a huge fight. I went to stay with my best friend. He went to the wedding without me. Because he was so upset with me and I with him, we even talked about calling our wedding off. For me this was a private conversation and I didn't discuss it with anyone, not even my best friend. (I just told her that he was off on business and I didn't want to be alone.). He, on the other hand, told everyone at the wedding that we were having serious problems. Many of his friends, most of whom I've never even met, advised him to leave me.He came back from the wedding and we decided to work things out. The only problem is that I don't feel comfortable inviting these people, the ones who told him to leave me, to our wedding. These are his old college friends. I haven't met them and they've only heard terrible things about me. He wants the biggest advocate of our breakup, a man I've never met, to be a groomsman. This makes me terribly uncomfortable. What do you advise? How should I handle this situation?
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (1 August 2013):
 so you want and expect your husband to not have his friends attend the wedding?? that's really depressing. his friends have every right to be there. as do yours. his friends don't have to like you. and your friends don't have to like him. the reason? because they aren't there for you. they are there for HIM. the same way that your friends are there for YOU. what happened in the past is over and done with. you choose to forgive and move on. that means you let things go. so holding this against him and them is completely unfair, regardless of who was right or wrong then.
if this is what you expect from him - for him to have practically no one in attendance during your wedding, then why don't you just go to the courthouse where you live and have a wedding there, with no one in attendance. that way it's fair on both sides.
as i said, your friends are their to support YOU. his friends are there for HIM. they don't have to like you. and you don't have to lose sleep over this. it's no big deal.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 July 2013):
 Then you would have to change the way you think and fell about that, wouldn't you ?...
Come on, I can't believe you want to have the start of your wedding life , and the excitement for your big day, tainted by something basically so petty.
It was all in all a big misunderstanding. Your fiance' was mad at you and upset after your fight, and vented to his friends talking about you in anger-fueled terms that he does not really think, and that he regrets having uttered ( otherwise, you would not be getting married now ! ), his friends tried to be supportive, and not having the full picture, said what a friend typically says : If you are unhappy with her, you should leave her.
Then , it all got sorted out, things went back to normal and lovey-dovey, and the friends are left holding the sack for something that should not leave you foaming at the mouth. After all, even if they really disliked you ( they don't, they were running your mouth consequently to how YOUR BF run his mouth )- hey people are not OLIGED to like you. I can understand you don't want to pay chiken , fish , dessert and wine for people that don't like you, but, here's the catch, they are your fiance's guests and friends, they like HIM, and he likes them , so they have the righ to attend. It's two of you running the show, you are not getting married all by yourself !
Therefore, I reiterate my suggestion that you don't let something so menial cloud your happiness , and that you can't do gracious- maybe you can do " polite " ? Bare minimum polite ? Impassive but courteous ? Not openly ostile at least ? ... That's all it takes. You can limit yourself to a neutral, non committal " thank you so much for coming " rather than " thank you for coming, you damned dirtbag of a troublemaker! ". That's all.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (31 July 2013):
 It was very rude that you were not invited, and really your fiance should have stood by you and not gone.
Maybe his friends have changed their minds about you now? They only heard one side of the story at the time. Also when they meet you they may feel completely differently.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know you're telling me the graceful and tactful thing to do, but I know myself and I just don't have it in me to throw "saccharine bombs." For better or worse, with me you know exactly what I'm thinking and how I feel. Sometimes being genuine is great, but this is not one of those situations. I'm worried that with all the pressure from the wedding itself, I won't be able to be graceful to these people.
And your right, it's my fiance's fault, but at this point there's nothing that can be done to right what he's said. I'm worried that the wedding will be terrible for at least one of us....
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (31 July 2013):
 That was very rude of your fiancé's friends, to not invite you to the wedding when you were already engaged .... and I would have been hurt if I were in your shoes, I would also have been more than a tad angry to think my fiancé had blabbed all our troubles to all and sundry, because I too am a very private person.
HOWEVER, and it is a big however, hence the upper case letters, HOWEVER, their rudeness and his thoughtlessness do not mean that you too need to display a lack of manners and class nor a lack of graciousness.
Invite them all, and when you get introduced to them, smile sweetly, clasp their hands firmly, and tell them how pleased you are to finally meet them all, and how much you appreciate them travelling such long distances to be able to share this happy day with you and whateverhis name is.
Don't start your married life off by trying to score points against his old buddies, or by being seen to be trying to control who your fiancé can be friends with or not.
Saccharine bombs are sometimes the most deadly, you know you have dropped them, the recipient knows you have dropped them, but who is going to believe them?
Have a great wedding, and a long and happy marriage!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (31 July 2013):
Noblesse oblige. You invite them because same as you 'll have your friends at the wedding, your husband will need to have HIS friends, you play gracious host, thank them for attending... then ship them back to California and forget about them. Hopefully forever.
I understand that it rankles, but, if you really have to be angry at somebody, that should be your fiance', not this people. If they only have heard horrible things about you... they must have heard them from somebody, right ? They did not make up horrible stuff all by themselves.
Then, people are entitled to have opinions, and to express them when requested. These people only had your fiance's version, they don't know you , or at least not well,... it's normal and human they 'd side up with their friend , who, again, has given them his onesided verson of the facts.
Also, it's not THEIR fault if you are a private person that never talks about her love troubles, while your fiance' is a big blabbermouth - or at least a person that needs to go to friends for advice and support on personal matters.
Finally, thase people would and should be there not as your admirers and supporters ( which they are not ) but in their role of groom's friends. That's the trouble with formal weddings, you don't just invite whom you love, you invite.. whomever has the right to attend.
When I got married, there was not a lot of mutual appreciation between my MIL and I, and had it been for me, I would have liked if she had stayed at home... but of course I did not even suggest it. Wrong example, because a MIL is family, not just some faraway friend ? Ok, I'll give you another one. My boss. I was NOT fond of my boss, yet I did not have the guts to not invite him.
It's not even a matter of guts, though- to me, if you bother to do all the traditional thing, with gifts, reception, maybe church etc..., if you play the game, you play it by the rules, and extend the invitations to whom is entitled from a social point of view to get one. Otherwise, you elope to Vegas.
Lastly- be generous. It will bring you luck, I believe, to start your wedding life with an act of generosity , love and devotion for your mate. He likes these persons, would be glad to have them attending ? ...So let him have his gossipy guests. What do you care. You are his woman ,his companion forever, the love of his life- you are not at the same level with those unwelcome guests, you are not even in the same mental and emotional galaxy- you can afford to not worry at all about what they said or say, you can afford to show class and elegance .
Congrats for the wedding !
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