A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I always had intense trust issues that lead me to stay away from relationships. In fact I've never been in a relationship till now, perhaps because of that. This also lead me to not make many friends and for some reason I maintained distance from girls too, fearing myself trusting one of them and them betraying that trust. I didn't have any friends in the opposite sex while in college. However there was this particular girl I maintained a professional relationship (sharing notes, clearing doubts etc., strictly professional though a little closer than other girls). She had a boyfriend and I respected that. Once out of college, she broke up with her boyfriend due to reasons that they'll be relocating to different cities. She meanwhile started having conversations over text with me which were friendly in nature. I didn't shrug her off because she was mostly nice to me during college days (many classmates of mine had turned hostile to me during college). I didn't have any feelings for her partly because I didn't find her that attractive. I knew she had broken up with her boyfriend by this time. We had occasional conversations, perhaps once or twice a month catching up on our lives. A year into this we started having phone calls, though again not very frequent. In our chats she used to sometimes flirt with me. I was assuming she was developing feelings me taking cue from our conversations, but I had made it clear indirectly that it was not possible for me to get into a relationship. Almost two years into this one day I called her up just to know what's up with her. We had a chat and talked about our lives and hung up. A few hours later she messages me asking if I have feelings for her and stuffs. I must make it clear that till this point she never explicitly told me if she had any feelings for me or not. But previously in our conversations she talked to me in a flirting manner, combined with the fact that she asked me this thing now, I believed she had feelings for me. I didn't want to reply then and there so I slept on it for a night, and next morning I wrote to her saying it was not possible for me to have any feelings for her or anyone. It was quite rude for me to say such a thing which I realised later. She replied saying she was sorry if she hurt me, but somehow I was pissed at hoe things went. That was the last we had a conversation which happened about six months back.I don't know why since then I've been thinking about her and the thoughts have started becoming stronger day by day. In fact I've been having thoughts of sexual nature about her. In the mornings when I wake up, she's the first person that comes to my mind.I'm somewhat confused regarding the issue. She's not physically attractive enough for me to have sexual thoughts about her. We haven't talked in six months. It's not like I want to get into a relationship with her (perhaps trust issues again). Was it wrong for me to close matters with her that way? Is it my fault that I'm having these thoughts? Have I fallen in love with her? If so, should I try to get back to her? Please help me with this. Thank you in advance.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2020): Friend, I do not wish to be rude to you, or to sound cruel, but you sir are not healthy enough emotionally to be involved in a romantic relationship. Idk what has caused your deep rooted trust issues. It is also telling that you have not had many friendships and that people in college became hostile toward you. Generally, college is not a hostile place. You were pretty tactless, when you parted ways with the one girl, who befriended you. Your social skills may be lacking, but if you feel a certain paranoia about feeling that you cannot trust folks, then it is no wonder! No my friend, you have not fallen in love with the lady in question. What you have is a male mind, and the proverbial penis, without a conscience! Lol That part of you sounds fairly normal, my Friend. Do yourself a favor and find yourself a good therapist and go digging for answers in your psyche! Doing this could change your entire life for the better! Friend, it is true that NO man is an island. I pray that you will seek help! Best wishes!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (20 May 2020):
 You have a lot to learn about love, my friend. First and foremost, it is not based on physical attraction alone. Some of the most attractive men I have met have held absolutely zero appeal for me because I did not feel that connection, that spark, that "chemistry". On the other hand, the men who made me laugh, who made me feel like they were interested in me as a person, immediately stood a better chance, regardless of their looks. Obviously there needs to be SOME physical attraction but, often, this grows stronger as you get to know someone and realize what a nice person they are. To be honest, if the most good looking guy came along and, when he opened his mouth, it became apparent he was an ar$ehole, then he would immediately be less attractive and stand no chance.
Your friend was nice and friendly to you when no other females were. I suspect this is where your disappointment in women comes from but, seriously, going off your post, I bet I can take a good guess WHY they didn't bother with you. I suspect you are over-sensitive and see snubs where none are intended. I also suspect, again based on your post alone because I have nothing else to go off, that you can be quite harsh when dealing with others, to the point of rudeness. Why would people hang around to be treated like that? Would you?
To answer your question about whether you should try to get her back: why? You have said yourself, you do not find her sufficiently physically attractive to have sexual thoughts about her. I can guarantee you, there are plenty of other guys out there who WILL find her more than sufficient in all ways, including physical attraction. She deserves better. Furthermore, I suspect the only reason you have suddenly started thinking about her is because you know you have blown it. If she has any sense, she will have moved on by now. Even if you contact her, she will probably blow you off.
You need to look at yourself and find out why you are so arrogant in your attitude towards women. Perhaps it is that you lack confidence and are so afraid of being hurt that you put up walls to try to preempt this happening. Perhaps it is because you think you are special in some way and deserve only a woman who is regarded as very attractive. Perhaps it is because you lack social skills and don't know how to handle women in a romantic setting. Whatever it is, you need to figure it out and work on sorting it out, with professional help if required. If not, you will be alone for the rest of your life. I am sure that is not what you really want.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 May 2020):
 I think you should DEFINE these "trust issues" and work on those first. They might be more in the line of commitment issues than trust.
If you have never dated, I don't see how you can have developed these trust issues for HALF the Worlds population! Which is why I think you NEED to figure out what that is all about and WORK through it.
Secondly? I think you need to leave this girl alone. If you say "She's not physically attractive enough for me to have sexual thoughts about her." Then you NEED to leave her be.
Because it CLEARLY shows your immaturity. Are you such a HOT stud muffin that the girls you DO think are good enough looking for you, would WANT to date you? It's not like you are BEATING of attractive women with a stick because they certainly don't seem to flock to you, do they? You probably think you should be dating 10's only... but if you give yourself a number, what are you? A 10? a 5? An 8?
How a girl/guy looks isn't the MAIN attraction or importance for a good solid relationship. Yet, everyone has a "type" then thing with that is you can't date a person for their "type" because EACH per are an individual.
You might think she isn't "hot enough" for you to date, but WHO wakes up every morning thinking of her? She sounds like she gave you a chance when NO ONE else did in college.
You have issues. And you need to work them out before you even consider dating anyone. You KNEW this girl was interested and you did NOTHING for a LONG LONG time, not until she braved to whole " I have feelings for you". Then you shot her down and run away. You could have told her WAY sooner, but you didn't because YOU go something out of talking to her. You go SOMEONE - ANYONE who wanted to get to know YOU. Talk to YOU.
There is a reason you don't have friends. Your social skills sucks. That is another thing I would suggest you start working on. Not having female friends is not the most important part of college life. But "many classmates of mine had turned hostile to me during college" shows that you aren't good at making or being a friend either. Why would classmates be downright "HOSTILE" towards you? Unless you behaved in a hostile or asinine manner yourself?
Was it wrong to close matter the way you did? Well, that is moot because you ALREADY did that. You can't unring that bell. And you felt it was the right thing at the time. It lost you a friend. Sometimes when one person in a friendship develop feelings, a friendship ends.
Have you fallen in love with her? Maybe a little? Or maybe you had just gotten used to having her around and now that you don't, you miss her. Maybe it's a bit of regret on your part?
Should you get back to her? No. I think you should let HER move on, so she can find someone who can APPRICATE her WHOLE person, looks, personality, sense of humor, smarts, etc. etc.
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