A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:One of my closest and dearest friends has in the last year entered into a relationship. The guy, he's got with is absolutely perfect for him. And I see them being together for a good long time. His whole life now revolves around his relationship. His boyfriend lives in a neighbouring country. my best friend has deleted all social media networks. And their time is split between the two countries.Although I'm very happy for my close friend, we've lost a lot of intimacy of friendship as a result. He calls every week for a long chat, but mostly it's me talking about my life. I feel bored often and avoid connecting. All the things we had in common, seem to have dissipated. He doesn't travel much anymore as his boyfriend is against air travel, he doesn't keep with what's happening with people we shared as mutual friends as he's deleted Facebook because it makes him compare his life to others. All the dynamic discussions we used to have seem to have dried up and conversations feel repetitive or nostalgic. I feel the time I connected with him the most was in his wilder phase, but now he's in a very quiet happy, content, and adult phase in his life. I support him but feel bored often.Now I obviously treasure our old friendship and understand with time things evolve, sometimes a friendship dies and new one is born. But do I speak to him about how I feel or do I just let the energy transmit? I've dodged a few phone calls to put in some distance as I dont want to lose friendship but maybe think right now a less close one is the way to go, so we have things to talk about when he calls.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 May 2020):
 It sucks when close friends are suddenly no longer as "available" to us as they were, whatever the reason. However, your friend is moving on with his life and is happy. You need to be happy for him but also to extend your social circle so that you are no longer as reliant on him for company and friendship. Maybe it is time you too started looking for that someone special with whom to share your life?
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (20 May 2020):
 OP, its time for you to "get a life". I don't mean this in a sarcastic way but you need to find things to do that will fulfill you and make you happy where you won't miss your friend so much. He has obviously found happiness with someone and now you are feeling left out. Search yourself and think of things to do that will make you feel happy and entertained. It might be finding new friends, getting a new hobby, learning how to salsa, building model airplanes or WHATEVER.
Its natural that you miss a friend/companion that you have spent time with and have happy memories but they should never be your whole world. Not even a partner should be your whole world to the point that you have nothing to do when they aren't around.
EXPAND your horizons! His relationship is new and he's probably in that honeymoon stage. Eventually it will cool down a little and then perhaps he will have more time for you but don't hang around and wait for him ok? LIVE YOUR LIFE as he is living his.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2020): Hello
I read your post to mean that you ARE happy for your friend and that you DO understand that friendships evolve and change overtime, as I think you quite clearly stated, so I don't understand the other replies berating you, for what you've already accepted and understood!
If I were you, I wouldn't tell him that you find your phone conversations together boring, I would maybe just interact a little less often as you yourself have suggested. People and situations change and we have to adapt as you realise, so as you continue this friendship, albeit on a lesser scale, things between you may well naturally grind to a halt. Friendships arise when they are mutually beneficial. You were contemporaries in both your stages of life and therefore had a lot to spark off each other about. That has changed now, things you both shared have now become obsolete.
Go with the flow and let things fall to the wayside in their own time. I have had many close friendships that spanned years and then when they got married, moved away, both of our positions within the friendship changed and communication eventually stopped, when they found new friends more local to them and so did I. The friendship is still there, just much more diluted.
I don't think there's any need for you to voice your concerns, just be a little less available, enjoy the interaction you DO share as you will now have more to talk about and let things go their own way, as they always do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2020): The best thing to do in cases where your best-friend becomes more involved in a romantic-relationship; is to go find your own. You engage in yourself in hobbies; and socialize with other friends, family, and acquaintances that you've neglected and abandoned for him.
You can sometimes over-invest your time and attention in a single individual; when it is healthier and more fulfilling to spread your love around. People tend to get spoiled and take your loyalty and devotion for granted. We might also outgrow former friendships and even romantic-relationships that may have been more relevant in a different phase in our lives. Some people never grow-out of their 20-something partying-phase of life. If you're single, it's usually extended well into your 30's!
Perhaps you've grown a little too emotionally-dependent on this friend; and it's time to wean yourself off that particular connection. Go rekindle some already established friendships, and make some new ones. When house-confinement under the Covid-19 pandemic is lifted, of course!
You can still FaceTime (if you have Apple devices), Skype, and message people on social media that you've neglected to checkup on; while you and your gay-mate were the inseparable duo. Once the freshness of a new romance has worn-off, and the novelty of love becomes more familiar; you'll hear more from your friend. It just won't be like the good-ole days. You're not in your 20's anymore! Maybe it's time to settle-down somewhat!
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A
female
reader, hilary +, writes (19 May 2020):
 What would the alternatives be? Do you think your friend should put your friendship first and his relationship second? Not realistic is it? If you are totally single then of course your life is emptier than his, but whose fault is that? Find someone to settle down with then. Or look at why you are unable to and why he has managed to find someone who makes him happy but you have so far failed at this, change and improve so that you can be as happy as him. Your friendship is supposed to be the cherry on the cake, the bit that makes life better, not the main focus point, not the cake itself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 May 2020):
 Maybe what you need is to look to yourself for Self-fulfillment. Work on yourself, better yourself, entertain yourself. That means find hobbies that can spark some enjoyment, try new things, do some selfcare etc. And maybe look at your social circle and BE a better friend yourself which can "attract" (so to speak) new people.
You sound jealous and petty that your close friend found love. You ought to be HAPPY for him. It's a good thing! Especially if this new partner is a GOOD match for him!
It's also normal that SOME people withdraw a bit from friendships when they have met a new partner, their priorities shift. I'm sure at your age, you have met people who had kids and have a LOT less time for friendships.
Did you live vicarious through him? If so, well that is not his fault that you are now "bored". He isn't your personal entertainment bot. You call him a friend so TREAT him like a friend. If you want more "excitement" in your life... THAT is YOUR job to find, not his to provide.
You are in your 30's? Time to act like it.
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