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anonymous
writes: Hi,I'm back again with "I am not comfortable with the attention I'm getting from my husband's father!". I know it should tell my hubby about this matter but I am SO AFRAID! DAMN AFRAID!Yesterday, we visited my in-law again as my sis in-law invited us to do early celebration of Father's Day. I have been trying to be with everyone or someone around me all the time as I was afraid that my father in-law would approach me and start doing something silly. Apparently, my younger boy (2 years old) was asking for bath while my hubby was watching TV, my mother in-law was napping in her room upstairs and I thought my father in-law was napping too... I had to bath my little one upstairs as there is water heater and all his bathing 'stuff' were in the upstairs' bathroom. After bath my little one, while I was drying him up, suddenly my father in-law appeared in front of us! He then tried to kiss me and I got very annoyed and told him off “Please, don’t. Stop it!” He then just smiled and walks away and I quickly lift up my little one and went downstairs. I hope what I said would put everything to a STOP. I am very disturbed now, I just don’t know how my hubby would re-act if I tell him. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (18 June 2006):
 I understand this situation all too well. My father in law to be made a slimy move on me when he had to much to drink at my sister in laws engagement party. I told him to pack it in and threatened to take his fingers off if he did it again. I told my husband about it and made him promise not to do anything or tell anyone. But during a row with his mother he tiold her exactly what his step father had done. She of course belived I was lying and it caused all sorts of problems. Even tho this happened six years ago it still has repercussions today in all our relationships.
I wouldn't mind, but this guy has had affair after affair and I got blamed!!
Tread very carefully in this situation. BUT TELL your husband. Do it now, befroe all this gets out of hand. Who knows what this guy could do if you are alone in the house together at any point!
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female
reader, adele +, writes (18 June 2006):
Hello to you, i have a great deal of sympathy of your situation, Your Father -in -law will not stop this sexual abuse until, you, yourself, take further steps to stop it. AS he is controlling the situation, and knows YOU WILL stay silent , you are enpowering him. Allowing it . without knowing it. it is a very conusing and intimidating place to be in. He must be getting awfully confident to do this within such a close range of other family members, May i ask you , what would you do if by a chance you found yourself alone, and confronted by his unwanted and blatant advances, where do you think it may lead ? . Yes you risk upsetting the delicate balance of the family unit , do not be afraid of this, you must protect yourself and your family. you say you said " stop it ", and his response was to laugh at you ,this showed his lack of respect, not just for you, but his wife and family also , so do not protect him any longer. Confide in a person who may be able to bridge the gap in approachingthis delicate situation with your husband, a professional and considerate g.p, may do this with the both if you, and then offer back up, which you both may need to help you through the emotions that follow, It seems a strong move , but it has far reaching consequences for your mental and emotional health in the future, if you do not take repsonsibility now. You may reply to me personally , if you so wish, i hope you take my advise in good faith. Be strong and walk tall.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2006): If you know your mother can keep it a secret until telling your husband, I dont see why not. Also if you know that your mother isnt going to be scandalous about it. Your mother is like a friend and I could understand why'd you rather go to her first with this to get her opinion and her guidance. Though you do need to tell your husband not just your mother here. Your husband is the person with whom you really need to talk to and tell whats going on. Like I said, its not good that you're withholding this from your husband for such a long time. It could get worse.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2006): Thanks, everyone for your advise. I'm a female, by the way, probably I was in a hurry and click the wrong button yesterday.
I'll need to cross my fingers and get the guts to tell my hubby. What really really worries me know is my hubby's reaction towards me after I tell him. It's either he believes me OR he won't believe me and asked for a separation or maybe worse. Guess I just have to take the risk.
By the way, is it a good idea to tell my mother first??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2006): Im just curious, why did you post yourself as a man?
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female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (12 June 2006):
 You will be unable to keep this from your husband for much longer, as long as this man continues to harass you. Things will come to a head in the end, probably by you refusing to go anywhere near him (who could blame you) and your husband wanting to know why.
Like everyone else says here you really need to sit down with your husband and tell him what his father has been putting you through, I should imagine he will be horrified and extremely embarrassed that a member of his family could do this to you, but ultimately as long as you are silent about it, it will go on. Show your father-in-law that you will not tolerate his behaviour and keep quiet about it any longer. As someone else has said he gets his power from your silence, he will not have that over you once you have told your husband what's gone on.
This may cause some trouble within your husband's family, but you should not let that stop you, end the letcherous old goat's unwanted attentions now, I have a feeling you won't be the first to have suffered at his hands, but be the first to stop him! I know this can't be easy for you, but it really needs sorting, don't you think?
Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2006): My advice, I would tell my husband. What if you do tell him in the long run and he finds out that this has been going on for the longest time, he's going to be more hurt about the whole thing. For one because his father did this to and secondly because you held it from him for such a long time. Do you get what im telling you? And if you dont put an end to this and tell anyone about it, your sickening father in law is just going to continue to do this. He is going to see that your doing nothing about this and is going to keep on doing this or as time goes by, he will do something to you that would really hurt you. He could force himself on you for something else and not just a kiss. He could also do this to one of your kids. I would be very careful if I were you. I would be sooooo upset if that were ever to happen to me! Next time carry some pepper spray with you just in case screaming doesnt work with this sicko! I hope you take care of yourself and your children as well. May God Bless You!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2006): i agree with everyone.....confront this (1) with your husband and then (2)perhaps in front of everyone ASAP, as this man obviously has some issues here. More than you, i am actually worried about the kids in that family including your own. If he is doing that to you now who is an adult and can scream...believe me he is equally capable of doing this with kids as well....(getting the picture).
If i were you, even after confronting this with everyone, i will still keep myself and my baby away from this man as much as possible or only restrict myself to big gatherings and families in his presence.
I have faced this myself once or twice, it does come as a shock and you are not sure what to do, but you have a voice and can scream.
Be careful hun....
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female
reader, Angel ron +, writes (12 June 2006):
 Perswonally I do not like the sound of this one bit you really must speak to your hubby about this as this is not right. If you feel you can't speak to your hubby directly then leave him a letter explaining the situation.Howver what you can do also is write another letter to your father in law telling him to stop his behaviour as it is making you feel sad and depressed and you want it to stop now because what he is doing is uancceptable and give him an ultimatum in that if he sdeos not stop this behaviour you will have no choice but to contact the police and to inform his son of his beaviour. tell him to stop it now .
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2006): I agree with the other advice and with Yos's points.
It is common to be ashamed, or worried at how other people will react and see you. I guess you might think your husband won't believe you? Or that his dad will be able to defend himself.
I think your husband will believe you. You have to tell him everything. I'm sure you will feel much better having shared it. Don't keep it bottled up, and don't leave it too long before telling him. Now is the time to put your trust in him, ok? Good luck.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (12 June 2006):
 This is a really serious situation. What your father-in-law did is totally unacceptable and has the potential to be very damaging if you do not act to deal with it quickly. You are 100% right to be very disturbed, any normal person would be in your situation.
Some advice:
- Talk to your husband straight away. It's totally fine to be afraid, but you really MUST tell him. Make sure you tell him when you are not near his father, as he might get very angry and direct it at him, and violence never solves anything. You have to emphasise that what he did is completely unacceptable to you.
- Your husband should then talk to his father, perhaps with you there also. He needs to make it clear that if he tries anything like that again then it will cause the destruction of the family and everyones relationship with his father. Complete refusal to ever see or talk to him again is minimum, you could even threaten prosecution. What he is doing is criminal.
- I would suggest sharing this with the entire (adult) familily. One established way to prevent abuse future is to make sure that everyone is aware of it. Direct confrontation with the abuser by everyone around them can serve to limit them.
- If you can't establish these things above I suggest you (and probably your husband) go and see a family councillor / therapist. They will be trained in how to deal with this and can make sure that you approach it in the right way.
I can't stress enough how serious this is, and it's a very good thing you have reacted strongly to it and want to do something about it. There is a real danger that if your father-in-laws behaviour is not stopped now it will get worse and some really terrible things could happen. Sexual abuse can destroy lives.
Good luck! Trust your husband and share everything with him. Please feel free to come back here and ask for more advice if things do not improve.
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (12 June 2006):
 I don't know what sort of relationship you have with your husband, but you must let him know some-how. Basically, your father in law gets his kicks from the secrecy and power of the situation, as much as the sexual contact he aspires to. By exposing his 'secret' then you take back some of the power in the situation. I appreciate this could be devastating for your family and husband. Therefore, you must tell your husband about what is going on in a sympathetic way - don't present him with a 'its either me, or him' way...just say your relative has got a bit overfriendly towards you and that you would be grateful if he has a word - you could say that you are a modest person and you don't like his gestures towards you even though you think they are harmless really. By not saying this guy is a dirty old pervert, you get your point across without having to put your husband in a confrontational situation. If your husband speaks to his father about it in this way, your in-law from hell will get the message that you are not afraid to speak up.
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female
reader, auntie claire +, writes (12 June 2006):
 dear reader.
you can't carry on like this you really do need to tell your husband don't just blurt it all out though try and record where and when he does this things. its not right you know and i bet he knows it too if your husband is an understanding person he will take you seriously and hopefull have a word with his father. if this fails to work then i suggest you go to his wife someone needs to sit up and listen to you before this goes too far. if all else fails to work then go to the police but remember to try and record when he does this either by writting it down or better still actually record it somehow (a latest model of mobile phone should do it) you need to put a stop to all this NOW!! think of yourself and what would your hubby say if this did go too far
keep me posted and i wish you good luck xxx
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female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (12 June 2006):
 Well I think that you do need to tell your husband, if you keep getting harrased its not very nice! I know its hard but well maybe give this creep one more chance, if he does anything like this again in the slightest tell him that you will have no choice but to tell your husband if he doesnt pack it in. For all you know hes done this before and prays on women like you in the hope they will give in. he clearly has no respect for his wife, you or your husband, so you shouldnt really be giving him a second chance, but i know your feeling awkward about it, and dont want to upset your husband, but you cant carry on getting pawed over like this, its not nice and it does have to stop one way or the other. Be firm with the father in law and if it happens again, tell him so, to stop it in no uncertain terms and then tell your husband, or even if you have to shout out very loudly so that others can hear you to get him off you!
You cant carry on like this and you have to do something to stop this man doing this to you!
Take care
x
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