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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm going through hell with my b.f of 1 yr!Saturday, I found him chatting with his ex (whom he dumped miserably while she was pregnant... for me. She had an abortion). Everything was fine till Friday. And on Saturday I had the feeling something was wrong. I drove down to his house and found that he was not at home. On my way back, I saw his car parked a couple of blocks away from his house. When I looked around I saw him happily chatting with someone on the phone. When I asked him who he was talking to, he said it was his construction engineer. Just then the phone rang and it was his ex! Just last month I caught that no good a** of his exchanging texts and chatting up some work colleague of his and now this!He pulled a sorry face and followed me everywhere the whole evening. He tried everything - begging, pleading, crying... everything! I cannot believe what that as**** has been upto behind my back. And he gets to complain when my ex calls to wish me on my b'day!! What double standards!!! I am disgusted with him. I just can't take this crap anymore. Should I break up with him? We were supposed to get married in December.
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abortion, his ex, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): this man is a lowlife and will hurt you as badly as he did his ex. This type of coward always has a woman in the wings, too. Like you were when he left his PREGNANT ex, poor girl.
A
male
reader, Dr T  +, writes (12 June 2006):
I agree with Wendyg - sounds like you've made your mind up - go with you're gut. To be honest from reading you're letter I was a bit surprised to learn that you are planning to get married! Doesn't sound like you guys know each other well enough to make that commitment. Best of Luck!
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A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (12 June 2006):
 It certainly sounds like this guy is messing you around. No one should be able to tell you who to speak to, especially when he goes behind your back and speaks to other girls. This guy sounds like more trouble than he's worth, get shot of him and find someone you can trust!!!
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A
female
reader, auntie claire +, writes (12 June 2006):
 dear rader. why on this eartyh are you putting up with all this "crap" as you so rightly put it my advice would be get out while you can do you really want to be married to this if he think he can get away with it now who knows what he'll be trying to do when your married. lets face it it didn't really start very good did it if he dumped is pregnant girlfriend for you whos to say history won't repeat itself. i don't want to sound all negative about this but from where i'm sitting your just heading for pain, do you really want this? from your letter i would say not. but at the end of the day the choice must be yours. but you could do much better you know you could.
good luck i hope the choice you make is the right one for you all the best xxx
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (12 June 2006):
 I agree with the others but wanted to add that you have to take some personal responsibility for the way that your relationship is turning out. Your BF is hardly a gent if he walked out on his pregnant ex for you, or cheating on you in the past. When people do things like that (regardless of the state of play with his ex) then they will behave badly with anyone as they have no principals. As a grown woman you should have seen this guy coming, although I appreciate that love is blind! If he left the other girl to go out with you, then it is entirely possible that he would leave you for another. Marriage will not be an obstacle, as he clearly has no principles. You say your BF is making your life hell, but what you really should understand is that you are in charge of you, and you are allowing him to make your life hell by putting up with him. It is impossible to tell what is going on between him and his ex, and perhaps he wouldn't tell you the truth if you spoke to him about it. However, marriage is about total communication, mutual respect and about trust ideally - you should think carefully about marrying a man who left his pregnant ex, as he may do the same to you.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (12 June 2006):
 Difficult. Dr Pete is right, it could be innocent and your strong emotional reaction may be based on not understanding all of what is going on.
However I'm a big believer in womans intuition in these situations. If you can feel the redirected energy then it is being redirected. That is a big warning sign. You should be open to the idea that he may be not comitted to you. If that is the case then you need to decide whether you want to be with him.
To be honest, he sounds to me like a typical non-committal man who is maintaining a relationship whilst simultaneously not closing down other options. This is unfortunately common male behaviour. You need to have a cards-on-the-table discussion with him about commitment, honesty and intimacy. If you are going to make it work you need to be able to talk about all of these issues with an open agenda and make sure that you two are in the same place relationship-wise.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2006): From what you say, there is no trust in the relationship at all, so surely it's time to end it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2006): It's just that he is forver lying about one thing or another all the time. Like I said I caught him texting a couple of girls before this. I see him lying to me about small things that I wouldn't care about!! Frankly, I'm just annoyed with his lying habits.
I don't have anything against his ex. I know he has been unfair to her. I told him clearly that I would not mind if he wanted to keep in touch with her. But, why lie???? Turns out he has been in touch with her for a month now.
Am I over-reacting?? I feel like I've been taken for a fool. I feel like he just takes me for granted and expects me to fall right back into his arms when he lies and gets caought. Is that fair?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2006): You don't seem to know the motives behind why your boyfriend is talking with his ex.
It could be innocent. It could be that he made a mistake in not being completely honest with you. Perhaps for good reason? You sound very annoyed at him. Are you over-reacting?
For someone who is supposed to be getting married, I am quite surprised at your question. You should be able to talk about this with your boyfriend, and find out the true situation with his ex-girlfriend. Only then you will know if it is worth breaking up over.
You've been together a year - you're supposed to be getting married - you need to talk to him about all of this and see if you can resolve what has happened.
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A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (12 June 2006):
 Well looking at whats written here in, you say you are disgusted with him and you cant take is crap anymore. I think you have made up your own mind. Hes obvioulsy not that nice a person or he wouldnt carry on like he does, double standards are never good in a realtionship, its all about an equal footing and having the same input, and being able to compromise to make things work, clearly none of this is happening, so your efforts would be best suited elsewhere! Find yourself someone thats worth the effort, this guy never will be!
Take care
x
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