A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour on the day before Christmas Eve. Since then our family has all been together, trying to support my mum. My Dad is very details obsessed kind of guy. There are all these palliative care nurses, district nurses, doctors, physiotherapists, OTs, hospice staff etc coming to the house. My dad is planning everything from moving my mum downstairs, to getting a rota of firemen to lift her down the stairs, planning her end of life medication, you name it. He is being quite aggressive in some cases with the organisation of it all, barking orders and cutting people down. It feels as though my mum who is the main person in all of this, is kind of being sidelined while he runs this death show.I was dealing with it OK although obviously the news came out of the blue and was a complete shock. Still, I just want to spend time with my mum, help her through it and enjoy each other's company. My dad is driving me mad with his obsessive attention to detail. It's constant meetings and planning sessions.Everyone is worried about hurting his feelings, as he is a control freak and obviously has completely lost control of this situation. He was always talking about his own death and my mum was always the healthy one. Now she has a terminal illness, he is completely at sea.But I think someone needs to tell him to calm down. Just after she got her diagnosis he started talking about calling the babysitter to tell them when we were coming back to the house. I said, 'Dad, that's not important. This is about Mum. This is her time.' He got really angry saying nobody ever listens to him, 'I won't say another word. I'll shut up now! '. I said, 'shut up it's not about you!' After that my sister said we should back.off and let him deal with it his own way. But now he is being really insensitive to mum, telling her to drink water, to get up etc in a really unpleasant manner. Not in a loving way. He's obsessed that she should be drinking 1.5L a day and is measuring it all. I think it is hell. Then he was telling her he was moving the bed downstairs. Started ranting about 'that's what I'm going to do and that's the end of it!' How can we get him to be more sensitive towards her? We know he is upset, but so are we, and she is the one with the diagnosis and coping best of all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2014): Maybe he feels, the more he can control her, the more he can 'make' her live longer?
You don't mention in your post how your mother feels about his behaviour? Have you talked about it?although, Unless she's brought it up with you, I don't think you should bring it up with her.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 January 2014):
 I was 35 when my mother died from cancer. She had a brain tumor also. I understand your feelings, and your fear and your frustration. Totally.
That being said, Eyes wide open has it perfectly. Your mother has been with your father longer than you have. She knows him and probably depends on his behavior to be a certain way. This is his way. This is THEIR coping mechanism. I watched the exact same thing with my parents. The minute my mother died, my father who I always thought was in charge of the running of the household fell totally apart. Seems my mother was the one making all the decisions. I had to make all the funeral choices.. my dad was lost.
Love your mom and do what you want to do to be with her as often as you can. Accept that your dad loves her very much and his life partner who was probably HIS caretaker for nearly 40 years or more is now in need of care and he's lost. He's coping the best way he can, and this comforts her. Makes no sense to you, but i speak from your exact shoes.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 January 2014):
 I think your best bet at this stage would be to show your mother all the kindness and support you can. Your mother knows your father very well and most likely isn't as upset about his behavior as you are. Things will settle down.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 January 2014):
 Sorry, you mentioned something about calling a babysitter to tell her when you are coming back to the house , so I thought it was referred to a babysitter of yours and a house of yours , somewhere else. It does not change much the substance of what I wrote .. " or partecipating no matter how closely or affectionately " . Yes, she is your mom, I am not forgetting this for a sec .nor what all this means to you. BUT, she is the woman your father had children with, and has slept beside ( and slept with ) for a lot of years, the woman he made a LIFE with, and when ( but ,let's say IF ) she is gone , he is the one who's going to be partnerless while you and your sister have , or will most probably have in future, your partners to support you and to be with you.
Not that I want to draw a graduatory of who's got more right to be grieving, that would be silly, and losing a loved parent is no joke too- but a graduatory of shock, surprise and fear , maybe yes . We all assume that at some point our parents will go before us, perhaps way before us, while it does not feel as "natural " for the husband of a so far healthy woman, with an average life expectancy of over 0 years, to find out suddenly she may soon be gone before him.
Your desire to see your mother treated with sensitivity is understandable and commendable, but make sure that in all this the sensitivity toward your father won't get lost.
I understand that his way of managing the situation may rub you the wrong way, but, again, I'd try not to interfere. AT least not right now in the fresh aftermath of the diagnosis.. Unless your father has just changed overnight into a totallly abusive monster- if he displays some dominant, controlling tendencies, well, maybe that's the guy he is and was, just a little worse under pressure, and I doubt that your mother will be shocked or too surprised, you get to know people quite well in a few decades of marriage, my guess - just a guess of course - is that she is not half or 25% upset as you are about the "barking "
What can I say ?,- this is your mom, and your grief, and if you don't like the way things are being handled, you don't like it and have the right to not like it . Let me just reiterate, and call me stupid if you want, that when I die I would LOVE to have someone close who cares enough to not let me go without a fight, and is ready to overturn the house, come up with every possible plan or change or idea , call the firemen the cops the National Guard ! if it only could help a bit. Always better than just sitting there sighing " Oh dearie. Well, let's God will be done " while I waste away.
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (4 January 2014):
 I am sorry to hear about your mum and sympathies to you and your family.
The other aunts and uncles have covered quite alot of ground. However, I would like to add something. Obviously, your father already had controlling tendencies, so he was that personality type, now something has happened that is totally outside his sphere of control (ie, your mum being diagnosed with an illness) - now for a controlling person, there is nothing worse than feeling utterly impotent and this is how your father will be being effected, it will be making him feel worthless, he will perhaps feel guilt for not being able to protect your mum though reasonably and rationally of course he couldnt have from this. There is nothing he can do about it, there is nothing he can do to help your mum (which again will make him feel impotent and powerless) so he responds by taking all the control that he can, ie, becoming more controlling over things that he can influence.
Controlling or dominant people often have trouble accepting that somethings will always be beyond their control and feel threatened by things that are - so, all this is mixing in with the other emotions that the other posters have pointed too. I would suggest direct confrontation would be a bad idea (he will only entrench more); what you have to do is maybe get him to open up about his feelings and maybe subtly point it out to him when he crosses a line (he wont necessarily see in his own eyes how controlling he is being, he will justify it to himself on the grounds of taking care of your mum for example) but be subtle else all you will do is make things worse.
Good luck to you and your family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2014): Cindy cares, he is not barking at the firemen, he is barking at my mother. He is talking about giving her a fireman's lift down the stairs, dragging her down the hall even when she says she is not comfortable. Why are you assuming I am just visiting. I have been here the whole time. I am living with it too. I'm trying to stick up for my mum.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 January 2014):
 I agree with the other aunts...shock, worry, resentment, anger all getting mixed up in his head and manifesting as super controlling and aggressive.
He does need to talk to someone outside the family so they can let him know that it's OK to fall apart!
He is being bloodyminded but I bet he weeps when he is alone!!
Remind him that your mum needs to be handled gently and that everyone can take a hand in her care. Spend as much time with her as you can.
It's weird to think that someone can get so resentful towards someone so dear and so ill but that is how some people cope or react. You are probably going to have to ignore a lot of his behaviour and give a bit of compassion to his lot.
Wishing you some peace ahead xx
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 January 2014):
My simpathy to you and my best wishes for the best possible outcome for your mother.
I think your father is in shock, - understandably, since the bad news is so recent - and ,pardon me, I think that YOU must be in shock : your mom has just been diagnosed a brain tumor, and you worry because your dad is barking at the firemen ?! Heck, that's his wife and lifetime companion that he may be losing!, let him bark, let him yap, growl, and howl at the moon if he wants, the paramedics and medical staff are experienced, trained and prepared to deal with distressed relatives, they won't take it the wrong way .
As for your dad having a very hands on, detail oriented approach to care management, that's his way to deal with shock and grief, and to keep his own sanity, - tryng to make order out of chaos , the chaos that inevitably a serious illness or a death brings to daily life. What do you think, otherwise, that rituals and customs concerning death are so complex and involve phone calls and flowers and printed announcements and thank you notes and praparations of meals and even choosing the music for the ceremony etc ?... So that the bereaved ones can absorb the shock and diffuse the negative energy on other stuff, raw energy that would nake them implode and break down. Order and discipline are HEALING, in certain situations.
Yeah but what about your mom, you say. Well, your mom I suppose knows your dad well, knows the type of guy he is , his flaws and strengths, she won't be that surprised and, IMO she will be anyway touched and comforted by seeing this man that in his peculiar way, fights like a lion for HER life. Who cares about loving or nicey-nice, he wants to keep her alive, and he wants to keep her alive the longest possible and in the best health conditions with the best quality of life, and if he can't give her healing, at least he'll give the best , most effective, organized care that he can, and screw everybody if it's not nice or polite or sweet. I'd be honoured to have a close one to fighting this way for ME, it's a privilege not all of us will have. And you are surprised that he wants her to drink 1.5 liters of water a day and he's on her case about that ? Heck, if a doctor or a reputable medical source had convinced me that 1.5 liters can even just make a small difference , even just give one day of life more to MY mother , I'd pry her mouth open if I have to .
That's not your way , that's not how you would handle the situation, how you would react ? Fine, and perhaps you are right, there may be better ways. But he is the one who is LIVING with the situation, not just visiting, not just partecipating no matter how closely or affectionately, he is the one who needs to cope with death showing up on his very doorstep. So, listen to your sister - back off, be supportive of your mother in your own way if you wish, but let HIM be supportive of his wife in his own way.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (4 January 2014):
 He is still in shock, in a way angry,its only been a short time since this diagnosis was delivered.
He perhaps needs counselling or just somebody to talk to, outside the family.
He is trying to cope with the news, the fact he will lose her. Trying to do the right thing. Just as you all are.
Maybe your mum needs to talk to him too, they must both have things to say, alone. She could share how she wants things done, tell him what she would like.
There's no blueprint for dealing with it all, its a tragic situation, but mum needs to be relaxed and in a loving environment with her family supporting her. She is the priority.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 January 2014):
 This is HIS way of showing her he loves her. I know it's not how YOU would do it, but he is TRYING to rationalize, organize and plan everything so SHE won't have to worry.
My dad was kind of the same at first when my mom got sick, but thankfully he chilled out quite a bit.
HE JUST found out too. Some go into shock and can't do anything others getting into commando mode and take over. I think it's more typical for a man to get into commando mode then shock.
Once everything had settled a little maybe you can talk to him and tell him to ease off a little, you mom is still there.
How long have they been together? 30-40 years? If so, can't you IMAGINE the fear he has of losing her? What he is doing he "thinks" will prevent it somehow. It will show her how STRONG he is being for HER. Maybe give her something to fight for.
None one facing that is going to be 100% rational.
I still wake up several times at night to check that my husband is still breathing (he had a heart attack _ surgery in early 2013). I fuss over him if he doesn't take his meds. I "make" him go for walks with me, I "make" him eat healthier. That is how I am, you dad is who HE is.
And I'm sorry to hear that your mom got ill. SPEND as much time with her as you can. Let her enjoy you for along as possible and vise verse.
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