A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I am in a bit of turmoil right now.I am 35 and live with a lovely guy, however we have no passion it has died, we have been together 3 years and I do love him but I can't help but think what else is out there. My father who I was very close to died suddenly in April and it has really changed me and made me realise life is short and I should live. My best friend has been offered a year in New York from March and I am so jealous. I understand why she is going. She is 33 single and thinks new adventure and I can't help but be so down, one as I do not have many friends and she is like my sister and two because she is living and doing something cool. I am in a job I hate and not sure I want to be with my partner and I don't know what to do. Do I move to the states, shall I just take off with her (I have no job but have some savings) do I think ok that is her path I have a good man who loves me and at 36 soon I should have a child and settle and maybe quit my job. I am so confused and constantly have anxiety since found out she is leaving. Thanks xxx
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female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (24 November 2015):
 First off, I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. Hugs to you.
Can I ask when the passion died between you and your fella? Recently, or has the spark been out for a long time?
I can understand the urge to go to New York with your buddy. It is running away, in the guise of adventure and spontaneity. Sometimes that can lead to great success, and sometimes it will end in major regrets about what you left behind.
I really do not think that a child is a great solution to situations like this. It feels like you'd be settling for having a kid, basically because it's something to do, and maybe it'll keep you busy, it's better than going to a job that you hate, and maybe it feels like it's what you're "supposed" to do after being with a nice guy for 3 years at the age of 35. A child could give you some purpose or fulfill you.
None of those are good reasons to have a child. In fact, they're really good reasons NOT to have a child. First, let's work on making your own life better and more fulfilling. Let's make sure that your fella is the guy that you are happy to spend the rest of your life with.
Maybe chatting with a counselor or a life coach would not be remiss. Someone who can help you sort out what decisions and thoughts you're having are productive, helpful and ambitious, vs. those that are rash, unrealistic, irrational. You've had a lot of major changes going on, and it's likely difficult to separate what's going on in your head.
I agree with Nora - maybe after a chat with a professional, taking a bit of a retreat to clear your head and do some soul-searching would not be remiss.
Best of luck, sweetness!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2015): How important is having kids? If it is I would advise think carefully as you are mid 30's. I had a test recently for AMH and it was very low. You need to be aware of your fertility. If less important then rather than hang off someone else's plans start to explore your own interests. Take a course to change careers? When major life events happen we re look at our lives. Take your time to get your next move right.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (23 November 2015):
When you are confused the best thing is to do Nothing.I know the lost of your dad and now your best friend deciding to leave re your unhappiness in your relationship.What you are dealing with here is overload.As you stated you are in TURMOIL.This is not the time to make hasty decisions.Would you consider taking time out of work and having a quiet holiday and pull things together.Find yourself again and be gentle with your self-give yourself a chance to grieve and a chance to smell the flowers again.Time will sort things out for you.You have a lot of living to do yet.Kind wishes NORA B.
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