A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi! I'm getting married to the love of my life in a couple of months. I lost my mom a year ago and my father is... well, he's never been there for me and he is always pretty scary and judgmental. I still love him, in a way, you know, he's still my dad, but I'm aware that I will not be able to count on him should I need him emotionally or financially. My bf and I live far away from him and I'm always the one emailing him asking him how he is, but I'm never really comfortable around him and always thought he never really gave a damn about me. Anyway, he does not approve of this relationship (let alone this marriage)- he says the guy is ok but he doesn't want me to live far from home and that I'm gonna find myself sad and lonely very soon for some reason. Point is: should I tell him about the wedding at all? Should I invite him? My bf's family has become my family and they're all coming, but I don't know whether I should invite my dad or even tell him. Will he get offended if I don't? Will get mad if I tell him about the wedding once it's been celebrated?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for taking the time to answer my question. Yesterday I was discussing this very topic over dinner with my fiancé: he doesn't like my dad because he sees he's an emotionally abusive man who never cared for me and never will.
Anyway I told him we should call my dad and tell him over dinner (we're headed off back home for a few weeks of vacation soon) and he said if I wanted to invite my dad and tell him about the wedding I should do so on my own and that he wants nothing to do with him.
He also says he would like to have fun at his own wedding and that my dad being there would only send out bad vibes and spoil the party for me and for everyone else involved. He then added that I should be aware that once I tell my dad about the wedding he's gonna start lecturing me on how I'm ruining my life and I'll end up miserable leading an awful life.
Wow... and now? Caught in the middle between fiancé and dad. This is bad! What should I do now?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 July 2012):
 not only should you tell him you should invite him and let him make it his decision.
my parents were married when mom was 19 and her parents did not approve of my dad and did not attend the wedding.
I think till the day they died the regretted it.
because when all was said and done later on down the road they said out of the three son in laws they had, he was the best... treated them well, took good care of their daughter, fathered two of their beautiful grandchildren...
had my mom cut them off they may never have reconciled and their grandchildren (me) would not have known them.
my father did not attend my last wedding... but he was given the option to do so...
he's attending my wedding in October... even at 52 having my daddy there is important to me... I even asked him if he wanted to give the bride away... he laughed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): He's being selfish and trying to blackmail you and in a way using your mothers death as a weapon, by effectively saying if you leave him and don't have him in your life like you don't have your mother, you'll soon have nobody and you'll be lonely.This is likely due to him not wanting to be lonely himself.However you are an adult and you're capable of making your own decisions in life, and if you are happy to marry your fiance then you have every right to do so. I think you should send him an invite, and if he shows up then that's a good sign but if he doesn't then I guess you know where you stand with him.But by all means don't back down to him or do as he wants you to do, because you will be doing this forever and you will miss out on all the chances life has to offer YOU.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 July 2012):
 I think you should invite him. Sometimes parents project their own emotions onto their kids. He is the one sad and lonely now because of the loss of your mom, whether they were together when she passed away or not. Even though you lived far away from your father anyways, the marriage of you to your boyfriend represents one more step away from your dad.
He may have felt distant, but you never know what goes on inside the mind of a father and what they're not showing.
Invite him. He is family. The option to attend or not is his, and approve or not, he loves you and won't ruin your special day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): My first thought is that your Dad will be offended and hurt if he is not even told about the wedding beforehand. He may be mad, and I doubt that he will think very highly about your husband after the wedding if he wasn't invited. Maybe your father's disapproval of your boyfriend is fuelled by the fact that your Mum passed away and your so far away, and it is his way of telling you he is lonely and wants you around (though it is an extremely poor way to send that message).With that being said, it is still your wedding and your day, so your happiness comes first. Is there a way you can let him know, and tell him that you will only invite him to the wedding if he stops acting this way, and does not go on with this behaviour. I understand that your fiances family are more like family to you, but even so they are not your family technically, and on your wedding day I am sure you would like to have your family there, and your father is the only parent you have left. If his attendance is going to make you tense and ruin your special day, then do what is right for you, even if that means you can't invite him or tell him, even if it will hurt him, it's your day. Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (6 July 2012):
 you must invite your father and get him involved. he is probably still grieving about your mother and if he was a hardass already he probably is double haqrdass with the grieving process still happening. do what you want to do but include him in every step. despite his negative vibes you will count your blessings in the longer term.
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