A
male
age
41-50,
*pc23
writes:Hi, my question is regards to performing oral sex on my fiance. In most cases she does not want me to go down on her. She has assured me that she enjoys it when she does let me go down on her, just that most of the time she feels insecure about her body and therefore is not comfortable with it. Additionally she has told me that I am the only person to bring her to orgasm through oral stimulation, and that she only allowed one person before me to ever try before. I have tried to compliment her on her body, hoping to let her know how beautiful i think she is. She also knows that I find going down on her to be a huge turn on, because in my mind it is an incredibly intimate act. I have read up on the subject, and the best suggestions I have found are to constantly reassure her of how beautiful she is inside and out, work out together to help her improve her own self image, and to keep at it and try again and again. At this point none of these approaches have worked, and I am at a loss for how to help her enjoy oral sex. My fiance has told me she wants to enjoy it, but cant get past her insecurities.Mainly what I want to know is, what can I do to make her feel more comfortable? Should I continue to try, or consider this a lost cause?
View related questions:
fiance, insecure, oral sex, orgasm Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 July 2012):
 why is it that the men that like giving oral always end up with the females that don't want it and us girls who would happily accept it end up with men that wont' give it.
OP i feel your pain...
you need to continue to try... for some women they are afraid they smell funny or taste bad...
I agree that making her taste it might help... she may not know how it tastes... so the next time you do go down on her kiss her right after... or put it on your fingers and put them in her mouth...
and love ALL OF HER and keep trying and if she says no you can say ok but what can we do to get you closer to saying yes... may I kiss your beautiful thighs?
keep trying and maybe she can learn to be comfortable with it.
if she's insecure about herself in general it never hurts to see a qualified therapist to work on self-esteem.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): I agree with the others, I wouldn't give up on it at all.
Google "show your vagina" the top result is a website for women who are insecure about how their vagina looks. It was made by a woman to help others see how many different shapes and sizes they come in and to help them understand there's something beautiful about all of them. It contains lots of examples, literally thousands and she'll also see how common an insecurity it is.
All the rest was stated perfectly by the previous posters.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (6 July 2012):
 This is an extremely common problem unfortunately. It's great she was able to relax enough to have an orgasm from it, a lot of women are too tense to allow it to happen.
Women are essentially told through the media that our genitals are dirty, disgusting, and smelly (lots of jokes in songs and movies about dead fish, men fainting at the sight and smell, etc...) and basically we should be ashamed to even think of knowingly "exposing" men to them. So it's likely more about the smell and taste and the appearance of labia and such that makes her uncomfortable than anything else.
Keep in mind there is no magic tip we can give on here that will make everything better. This is going to be a months long project, but you can absolutely get her past it.
Have her do her homework. She should go look up images of normal labia. Because currently most men and women only see vulvas through porn, where everything is plucked, shiny, and symmetrical with small little round things. That's not how reality looks. So she should look at images of normal labia (google "normal labia gallery") so she can see how normal she is.
She should also go with a mirror almost every day (to get used to it) and look at herself and touch things. I mean actually really look and touch in a non-sexual way. It's something many women never do, and so they don't get used to their own bodies. I mean think how often you touch your penis, it's entirely possible for a woman to NEVER touch her own genitals (washcloth in the shower, toilet paper, etc...). If I was giving this advice to her, I'd tell her to use her hands in the shower rather than washcloths, but I'm not sure how you'd work that into the conversation.
I know this will sound excessively weird, but she should see why it's not a big deal taste-wise. It's her own body, she should taste it for herself. You can actually pretty easily ask her to do this, you can say it would be really hot for her to do so (either off her finger or your penis or something) and then point out that it's really not an unpleasant taste.
Here's what you can do with her. Don't beat her over the head with compliments, compliment her in other ways. Like randomly during sex, drop in that you got a whiff of her and it turned you on (even if you didn't actually). The few times you do get past the insecurities, make sure to tell her it really turns you on. I know it can seem a little like a pervy joke in a movie, but you can even do things like, smell your fingers after fingering her right in front of her and say how sexy that smells (even if it doesn't, just say it). You just want to get the message across as much as possible that she does not smell bad.
You can also breathily whisper in her ear that you had this sudden craving to go down on her, ravish her with kisses and head south. Don't ask first, just start heading down. Of course if she tells you to stop, stop. But be persistant that this would really turn you on (be sexy about it, don't argue, just do a little dirty talk while moaning and kissing). Make it seem like you are really longing to do it. Like absolutely nothing will get you more turned on. You can even go so far as to act like this is foreplay for you, something she can do for you (again, even if you're just saying it for the sake of saying it). It will take the pressure off her. A lot of women feel uncomfortable receiving pleasure, as though their only job in sex is to be pleasure-giver. So it can be uncomfortable for some to relax and receive without giving anything.
It will also help if you can somehow separate what you're doing from what she's seeing. Like being under a skirt, under the blankets, or otherwise concealed so she can focus on the sensation. It can also help to do it in the dark. You should also try to do it right after she's showered so she feels clean. Just keep at it, it's not a lost cause. She'll relax eventually. You're being very generous to try to push past this!
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (6 July 2012):
 Do you kiss her in other places all over her body? I think it is strange that she enjoys it, but yet she does not really want you to do it. I am not sure you would approve of this, but have you ever watched any videos together of men pleasuring women in this way? Not necessarily porn videos, but there is that "Great Sex" video series where there are women and men with all types of bodies instructing/demonstrating different techniques, positions, etc. I know you know how to do it, but it might make her more comfortable with herself to see other normal women who don't have "perfect" bodies. There is something maybe from her past that makes her feel so self-conscious about her body. The more times you can reassure her and the more fun you have, the more relaxed and confident she will feel. Sounds like you're doing a great job so far...just stick with it!
...............................
|
